Monday, June 28, 2010

Thank you St Joseph!!

I want to send a big shout out to my main man St Joseph! Woot Woot! So as most of you know we are trying desperatley to move out of here, we put our house up for sale (a short sale) and got an offer the same day. This was in April. Today we finnally got word that the bank accepted the offer and we have closing set for July 27th! Holy cow! I had done a Novena to St. Joseph to help us move if that was the right thing. So, I guess it is the right thing! :) We are just so excited!
We will be so much closer to Gabe, only 2 hours away, and my entire family will be there for us.
It's still a little scary, I don't know how were going to be able to afford the move, and drive accross the country. But I have faith that it will all be taken care of. St. Joseph has been there for me so many times, I can't thank him enough.

We are trying to stay in the house untill at least mid August. We have to talk to the buyers and see if they'll work with us. We don't have any jobs lined up yet, and we'll be moving in with my parents, but hey, beggars can't be choosers right?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Condoms for all!

What the heck is going on here!!! Did you all see that news article about a school district in Massachusetts that voted unanimously to begin giving out free condoms to students who request them…even if they’re in first grade !! First grade!! What is this???!! I almost choked on my dinner last night when I heard this. The parents do not need to be notified if their child is requesting to get a condom. Even if the parents tell the school they do not want their child getting condoms from school, they still will give it to the child without letting the parents know.
How on earth can anyone agree to this? Who in there right mind would think that it's ok for these little kids to have condoms available? And I know that most 1st graders probably don't even know what a condom is, but the fact that it is even permissible is disgusting!
I know that once things like condoms or birth control are available to kids, at any age, they are more likely to have sex, than if none of this was available! It blows my mind that parents or any adult can think that it's ok for these kids to be having sex. Maby they think that there being good parents by providing "safe" sex, but why make it available at all?? I know this brings up a whole new moral subject that I'm sure most of you agree with me on, but how do you explain this to others who aren't Catholic or Christian, or even those who are but just don't know the truth??
Sex is sacred, and I believe that at the right age your child should be made aware of whats going on with their bodies, but not to just give them condoms and let them have a free for all!!
My sister and her husband teach a Theology of the Body class to teenagers, and it is amazing! I think that this should be mandatory in every parish across the nation! The more people who are aware of how beautiful sex is and how it is sacred act between husband and wife, the better off our future generations will be!
It just upsets me so much to see things like this on the news, and on the radio this morning there were just ignorant people who were ok with it! Our country needs prayers people! It's so sad..

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

CD1, Fathers day and other ramblings...

Hola all! Thank you all for your support with this diet. Ann I have to ask what is this "faux" rice ??? I love to have brown rice with alot of my dishes, so please tell!
Also I am slowly getting back online to read all the blogs.. so I'll be commenting soon I promise! :)

So interesting cycle I'm having this time. I was all emotional mid cycle, which could have also been because of all the stress with my dog and Gabe coming. But then my period started on Monday, 4 days early! I actually had a 28 day cycle! WTH?? I can't remember the last time it was 28 days. I usually go for 32 days, and get all crazy in the head. But this time 28 days. And no crazy! My cramps were horrendous though,I was having some cramping a few days before, which isn't unusual, I will sometimes cramp a few days and then nothing until my period. But I was cramping for about 3 days on and off, and all of a sudden I'm at work in the potty and Bam! there she was! I was so unprepared, I had to ask all over the office for "supplies"! My cramps got so bad that I almost went home. But another interesting point about this period was the color. Bright red, which I think is a good thing? Its still very short, only 3 days. But this is partly why I haven't been able to post or comment, my cramps were so bad on Monday that I only got threw about 3 blogs before I had to go lay down. So I'm trying to get threw it all tonight, maby I'll be done by tomorrow! lol

So Fathers day was nice this year. We are poor, so nothing really for E. Gabe made him a card, and I made breakfast, and E's favorite dinner, steak and shrimp! He gets this at least twice a year, once for Fathers day and once for his B-day. Also made his favorite cake, yellow moist cake with chocolate frosting! I totally cheated on my diet and had a slice! Mass was very nice, our church was having a free breakfast for fathers afterwards, but E can't wait till after church to eat, so I had already made french toast and fruit for him.

My diet I think is getting easier. I think it was not only extra hard last week because I wasn't used to it, but also I get crazy cravings before my period. I made this recipe from the diet book, it did not turn out good at all! It was mashed cauliflower. Instead of mashed potatoes, you put the cauliflower in a pot with water and olive oil and garlic, let that get really soft and mash, and voila! mashed cauliflower, supposed to be similar to the potatoes. Ok, mine was so not even close! I don't make much cauliflower b/c it smells up my fridge if I don't use it right away. So I was waiting forever for it to soften, and I thought it was soft enough, so I started smashing away, and it wouldn't mash! It got all fibery and weird, but I ate it anyway, and it was ok. Tasted like cauliflower though! lol. Have any of you ever made anything like that? I've read this recipe before, but I've always been afraid to try it. I may make it again and try to soften it a little more before I start mashing!

On the Gabe front, I'm so excited he's here. He's a great kid, and I'm pretty lucky that he is such a good kid. He's been telling us that he loves it at our house! :) We try to do as many things with him as we can. We love to play Clue, and crazy 8's. E has him doing yard work and house work while I'm at work, and he's enjoying it. It's something for E and Gabe to do together, and E is teaching him how to be a man! lol. When Gabe gets here, I always just want us to be normal, and be a family. I have tried so hard to make sure that Gabe doesn't feel like he's a burden or anything like that, I just want him to feel loved and accepted in our home. I want us to be a united family, and I hope I'm doing it all right!

Oh I found this great online 3 minute retreat! It's from the Loyola Press, Its a great little spiritual helper. :)
here is the link

Saturday, June 19, 2010

First week almost over.

SO I'm just about done with the first week of this horrid diet. But, I am committed to 30 days. I really hope I can keep it up. It's just that I feel like my belly is constantly empty. I can eat the fruit leathers, and they have some great ones at Trader Joes that I love. And the soup is no bueno for lunch anymore. It definatley did not fill me up enough during the work day. I am still working on getting my thyroid in check, but I have another 3 weeks till I get my bloodwork done again. I'm on 75mcg's of Levothyroxin right now, and I am pretty sure it will need to be upped again.

Did you know that there is a completely true and physical reason that some of us especially with pcos, have a hard time feeling full? There is a gland in your brain called the Hypothalamus, it tells your body when your full or hungry. Studies show that with alot of women with pcos, their hypothalamus isn't working properly.
So now that I know this, wenever I want some bad food I can tell E that I need to feed my hypothalamus or my brain will shut down! hahaha! Isn't that crazy though? I never understood why I could eat so much and not feel full.

Yesterday for dinner I made a pork loin that I marinated in some store bought marinade all day. It was delicioso! I had a big salad with it and made the boys baked potatoes.
Here is my food for today

Breakfast: 1 egg with left over pork loin, and a grapefruit

Lunch : soup and a salad

snack: handful sunflower seeds

Dinner: taco salad. I cooked the ground beef with onions and taco seasoning, and just put that with lettuce tomatoes and taco sauce. ( that wasn't part of the diet book, but I can't eat all this bland food for 30 days ) But no cheese or sour cream added which I love, so I figure a plus for me! :)
I slept most of the morning, so I didn't need as much to eat today.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I'm so hungry ... oh so hungry!!!

No carbs = a cranky Suzie! This PCOS Diet thingy sucks! I mean how on earth do we survive with no carbs! Or Chocolate!? Can you tell it's getting close to cd1? lol. I've got about 7 more days. I usually get some strong cravings for some Starbucks and chocolate, and cheese around this time, then it dies down as I get closer to the day. But I'm STARVING!!! Ok maby not starving, but I feel terrible. Supposedly I'm cleansing my body of all the bad things by eating whole foods and stuff like that.

Here is my diet today
Breakfast: Protien shake ( yes I can have this, the book said if your pressed for time it's ok + it's chocolate ;) )

Snack: apple

Lunch: Organic Vegitable Soup (all veggies no potatoes or pasta in it)

Snack: Cherry tomatoes

Dinner: burger salad. I made turkey burgers tonight, and I chopped mine up into a salad w/ lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, and mustard on top. I have to say it was pretty tasty! :) mmm!

It's not the exact meal plan that is laid out in the book, but they said as long as your eating only the foods on the "approved" list your ok. Because honestly I will never make some of the items it gives recipies for.

Now. I want a chocolate cheesecake! Really Thats all I can think about. Today at work this girl was munching away on a Snickers bar and thats all I wanted all day till I got home. I have taken all change out of my purse so even if I want some horrible food, I can't. I've been getting up earlier to work out for 30 min in the morning because I am just too exhausted when I get home!
I'm trying to remind myself why I am doing this. I want to keep my clear skin. I had terrible breakouts for years! I want to lose weight. I want to get preggo! I think those are pretty good reasons to keep with it dont you?

Monday, June 14, 2010

My Faith Story

Ok so I've been meaning to write this for a while now, just trying to find the right time to get it all out. Our resident House Mother Leila had asked us to post about our Faith story a while ago, so here it is::

I guess I should start from the very beginning for all of this to make sense. My Grandma P is a very devout Catholic, she was the youngest of 12 and her father died when she was a baby. All of her siblings are very strong in their faith. She passed that on to my mother. My mother is an only child, (not by choice) she has always loved the Church, she even went in the nunnery (?) after high school. Luckily (for me) she decided that wasn't the path the Lord had for her and went off to College and met and married my dad. My dad's mom Nona, also came from a Catholic family. She was the eldest of 8. Her mother complained about each child she had and said it was just another mouth to feed. Nona wasn't very devout in her faith, and neither was my father. I was the 5th daughter to be born. My father left my mother while she was still pregnant with me. My mother moved all of us from NJ to OH, and my older sisters were not happy with that. We hardly ever saw my father. He never called or wrote or sent cards to any of us. My older sisters took it very hard. My mom and my step dad married when I was about a year old. Because I almost never saw my "real" dad, I had assumed that my step-dad was my dad. I called him dad. I remember when my real dad picked us up from the airport and I told him he wasn't my real dad, that he was my step dad, whoa, I was in trouble! I was only 4! I had no idea what was going on at that time. Finally I started noticing that my older sisters weren't calling our step-dad "dad". I wanted my sisters approval so I stopped calling him dad. That was a huge turning point in our relationship. My mom had my little sister when I was 2 &1/2. We were really close for a long time.
Meanwhile my sisters were going threw lots of terrible times, and I was put on the back burner. No one seemed to care about me. My mom worked hard. She and my step-dad had allot of problems in the beginning, so he wasn't even living with us for a long time.
There came a point when my little sister realized that she could get me in trouble for anything, because her dad would take her side over mine any day of the week. That started a whole new set of problems. For years it was me and my mom vs my sister and step dad. Our house was in Chaos from as far back as I can remember.
But one thing that was constant through it all was our Faith. Even though bad decisions were made and our lives seemed out of control, we always had our Faith.

I loved the Catholic church growing up. I knew the entire Catechism from front to back by heart. I loved the movies on the saints. My Grandma P had The Song of Bernadette, and Miracle Of Our Lady Of Fatima. Oh how I wished so badly that I could have been one of those children! I think that this was my own way as a child to get some peace. I could tune out the rest of the world and be entranced by these amazing true stories. For years I prayed and prayed that I could be a visionary. That is what I wanted out of my life more than anything. We picketed at abortion clinics, and prayed the rosary. As we got older and moved to IN, my parents joined a group of families and had a HomeChurch. All these families got together on a Sunday night and prayed the rosary, then the adults had there time to pray and talk and all us kids (there were allot!) got to hang out and play and do whatever. It was awesome! :)

But I'm getting a little ahead. I was an ugly duckling. I developed early, and was not excited about that. I was really embarrassed. My mother was from the old school and refused to talk about gasp! "your body" ! I had no idea about anything that was going on. My older sisters were all finally in college and getting back on track in their lives. My sister C who is 3 years older was always this amazingly beautiful and talented person. She wanted nothing to do with me. I was a nerd. She was popular. I was tormented in school and was compared to her constantly.
Growing up we saw my dad twice a year. One week for Thanksgiving and 2 weeks out of the summer. That was it. And I loved my dad. Even though I never saw him, I had this love for him that I think is just ingrained in you. You can't help but to love your parents. That's why when one summer he asked my sister C to move in with him, my heart broke. I said that I wanted to move in too. (even though i really didn't, I love my mom and could never have left her) I was testing my dad. And he failed. He laughed and then said that I was too little.
So here I was going threw this horrible awkward phase and my own father didn't want me. It hurt, bad.

A few years later, he was diagnosed with Leukemia. He battled that for years. Finally He died right after Christmas on the Feast of the Holy Family 1997. I was almost 15. My world fell apart. My home life was always up and down, never knowing when the next fight would happen, and now my dad was gone. It was a very weird time for me. It started a depression that lasted for 2 years.
After my dads funeral, we had to greet all the family that came to pay their respects and one Uncle made a comment that all my dad wanted was to have a boy, how important it was for him to have a boy, and he never did. That was the worst thing I think I could have heard at that point. Because what I actually heard was that my dad didn't want me at all! He left my mom because I was a girl, my entire family went through hell because of me. I was no good. This is what was fixed on my brain for a very very long time. This changed me.

I was already just a teen going threw some big mood changes, and all this happening made it all seem so much more blown out of proportion. I felt out of control and helpless. I locked myself in my room all the time. I started getting high and going out and partying. I did everything a good Catholic girl shouldn't have been doing. I had bad friends, made bad choices. I was truly depressed at this time. I was looking for something, and I didn't know what. I still went to church because I had to. But as I was making these bad choices, I felt worse and worse about myself. There came a point where I wanted to end my life. I thought about it all the time. I told myself there wasn't a God. There couldn't be. Because if there was one then none of this stuff would have happened to me. My life was a wreck.

The summer after my Sophomore year in high school my mom signed me up for a weekend retreat at the Franciscan University of Stuebenville. Then I had to stay at my sisters house near the university to babysit while she went to summer classes. I hated her for making me go. I had a boy that I liked that I was hoping to make my boyfriend that summer and my friends were all going to be doing fun stuff, and I was going to miss out! This retreat was ok. I liked it, but I wasn't ready. Somehow I managed to find the "bad" kids at a Catholic retreat! For me it was a social event that summer. But it changed something in me. When I was done baby siting for the summer I was different. I decided that I didn't want to hang out with the same people. It took a while, but midway through the school year, I made new friends. They weren't ideal, but they were better. The next summer I went to the retreat again at the Franciscan U.
This is the summer that changed my life. The theme this summer was "Father". This summer I learned about Gods love for me, and how He is my Father. God will never abandon me. God has always loved me for me, and no matter what happens He will forgive me. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. I was filled with the Holy Spirit from head to toe! This weekend I forgave my dad. On Sunday, there is a time where you can share your experience in front of everyone! I had to get up there. I never felt so good. I was calm and excited and on fire for the Lord! It was amazing.
When we got back everyone was telling my parents about my experience. And I wasn't embarrassed at all.
Life didn't change drastically. We still had problems in our family and after a few months my fire died out. I still wasn't living my life as I should have. But it was better.
In the years after my dad passed away, I prayed for his soul constantly. I was so afraid that he was going to hell. One night my prayers were answered. I had a vision of my father. He was on his way into heaven. I won't go into detail here, but he did tell me that everything was ok. He was ok. That solidified my feelings of forgiveness.
I still had some issues with my step dad though. After high school I moved out of my parents house, lived with a sister in her basement for a year, then got my own place for another year. I met and eventually lived with a boy I thought I was in love with. I moved across the country for him. He turned out to not be such a good guy. I was going to church by myself at this point. He refused to go with me. I ended our relationship, and during this time I met E. After a whirlwind romance we got married at the Little White Wedding Chapel and hadn't really told anyone! E started going to church with me, and I decided that I needed to live what I preach. E came into the Church Easter 2009 and our marriage was blessed right before that.

About 3 years ago My mom called me after she and my sisters went to an adult retreat at the Franciscan University of Stuebenville. My mom runs a resource center for the Church, and was buying some books while she was there. While they were listening to a speaker, my sister opened a book and read a story about a girl who had all these older sisters, and her dad died and had this horrible time. It was my story! I was recorded all those years ago at the retreat, and it was put into a book! My step dad had read it and apologized to me for the way he treated me. He said he didn't know how hurt I was by him and my dad. My step dad has become a very devout Catholic too. He always believed, but has had his own demons to deal with.

So now here I am. I am loved. I have no doughts in my mind about Gods love for me. About his awesome kindness and forgiveness. I have an amazing Church that we attend and I love to teach E and Gabe about the Saints that I grew up learning about.
Praise be to God for his loving kindness! :)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Love summer! :)

Today things have gotten better. Allot better. I get really frustrated that I want so bad to take care of Gabe and be a mom to him, and when things don't turn out the way I want I get really mad. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a baby. It makes me mad that I can't be the one to teach him about life, and how to act and how to learn about the Church. His mom isn't Catholic. She goes to some nondenominational church occasionally. I've tried and tried to teach Gabe about the Church, and while he's here he'll learn a little, but when he leaves and then comes back, its like he doesn't remember anything at all! His mom lets him watch movies and listen to songs that we don't approve of. She teaches him to be a different kind of person than E and I would want him to be. And its hard. E doesn't want to spend the summer nit-picking on him, but it drives me nuts! I see this innocent little boy being demoralized right in front of my face, and there is nothing I can do. I try to teach him as much as I can. I hope it is enough.

Today we went to a friends house to swim. She has 2 little boys near Gabe's age. We spent the entire day at the pool! I love it! :) I love the smell of the chlorine, and the taste of Oreo's in the sun. When I was little we lived at the local pool. We had swim team in the morning, then I had swim lessons. I'm not really sure why I had to take the lessons also, but I'm guessing its so I was kept busy so my mom could work. We spent the entire day there almost daily. I miss those days! so much fun.

Nothing new on the IF front. Same crap different day. My temps have risen a little bit this cycle though. Might be from the higher dosage for my thyroid medication. No ovulation this time.

My new PCOS Diet starts tomorrow. I'm nervous about no carbs. I have an unnatural craving for carbs I think. The more I know I can't have them, the more I want them! lol. :) We went shopping this weekend for the food for my new diet. It just stinks that I have to make 2 separate dinners for all of us though. ARRGGH! Well, wish me luck on this new diet! Hope everyone had a great Sunday! :)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Goodbye to my beloved Scrappy

I've been silent for a while I know. This week has been extremely hard. We had to let our Scrappy go. He started getting sick again and he was in pain almost daily. It was a very hard decision to make. Some day's he'd be happy and fine, and the next.. he was a different dog. The vet said it was cancer, and that there was no cure for him. He might have lived another 6-12 months, but he wouldn't be the same. He'd have to be on medication daily, and we wouldn't know from one day to the next how he would be. We couldn't keep him because of our selfish need to have him around. It wasn't right to let him suffer like that. This is very difficult for me to even write out now. He was an amazing dog. He was my baby. I will always love him.

That day we let him go was bittersweet. The same night Gabe came home for the summer. I'm having trouble adjusting. I always have trouble adjusting. Our house is very small. Gabe is getting bigger, and needs us to constantly be with him and play with him or he is too bored. E feels like he needs to overcompensate for not being able to be with him all the time, and I just want us to have a "normal" life when he is here. I don't want to treat him different b/c he can't be here all the time. I want to treat him like he is our kid and was just on a vacation. I do try to do special things for him, but he just wants to be with his dad, and I feel sometimes left out. Other times I feel like I can't breath. Our house is too small. There is nowhere for Gabe to play. I need just a half an hour to myself. Is that too much to ask? I made E mad this morning b/c they were watching tv and I came into our room to get on the computer. I thought that I would have at least 30 min to get on and read some blogs and write out my own. But they followed me in the room and started wrestling on the bed! I made a comment about them following me, and now E is mad. they are outside plaing catch. It is actually not too hot today to go outside! I'll have to talk to E later about why I need just a small amount of my own time. E has his ju-jitsu classes a few times a week and that is 2 hours long! All I'm asking is for 30 min of my own time. I don't think that this is unreasonable.

I know I stress myself out for no good reason. Maby I'll try to get up early tomorrow and have my time then.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

A New Day.

Many many thanks to all of you for your kind words, and support. I cried reading all the wonderful comments. Really I don't know how I could get threw some of these days without all of you! :)

Things have definitely gotten better over the weekend. Friday I was still a little bit on the hormonal side, and I broke down to E. I just started crying and blubbering all over the place. It kindof forced E and I to have a talk about all this IF business. It turns out that we weren't exactly on the same page. He didn't think that I was very serious about the whole having a baby right now thing as I actually am, and I was afraid to bring it up all the time. I didn't want to have to "try" so hard. I didn't want to have to time when we have sex. I didn't want things to get boring. Of course E just laughed when I said that b/c he said it will never get boring! :) So allot of good things came out of my cry-fest. We talked allot and figured out what we are going to do to make this happen. I expressed my concern about how long and how much do we try? E said we try till we have a baby. So that works for me!

We haven't done to much this weekend. It hit the triple digits so it's kinda hard to get out. Today its 107! omg its super hot out there! We are just getting everything ready for Gabe to get here. Only 3 more days!

So I bought this book called the PCOS Diet book. I'm just beginning to read it, and it is not going to be easy! It's really neat so far, as explaining the PCOS, why I am always hungry, my hormones, what effects what in our bodies. I'm pretty excited to try to follow this diet. But there are no carbs to start! No pasta, no waffles, no bagels, and worst of all no cheese! I love cheese! Actually if I could live off of cheese and double fudge brownies, I would! :)
I was going to just dive into the diet, but there is allot to read and to understand what it is that I am doing in this diet and how it works for me, so I am going to read the entire book first, and then start on it. So I figure by next week I should be ready to go. I'll keep you all updated on how it is working and what is going on, and if any of you have any questions feel free to email me!

Happy Sunday to all of you!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Just one of those days...

I'm depressed, I'm sad, I want to cry, is AF coming soon? NO!!! WTH???? I have no idea what is wrong with me. All day I've just felt this sadness. UGh! go away hormones!! Usually I don't post these depressing posts mid-month. But today, I just felt that I need to write it out!

I've been feeling lately that I am never going to get pg. Ever. I'm getting older and older, and nothing has changed! I know there are still things that we haven't tried to help us achieve a pregnancy, but I wonder about that. How long do we try? How many different options do we do? And right now I don't have insurance! And if we end up moving soon, I still won't have insurance for who knows how long! I can go to my primary care doc, but she wants me to go to a obgyn, who is more knowledgeable than she. Which I completely understand, but I don't want to go to a different doc and have to tell the same story to, and get more blood work done! This just plain sucks!! E still talks about when we have a baby, and our kids, it's heartbreaking for me, b/c I feel that I just know that it will never happen. But I smile and pretend that it will all work out. That it just isn't time yet. But inside I'm dying. I just wish I knew either way what was going to happen.

Also I'm a little sad that we still haven't moved! I am missing everything! My baby sister just graduated high school, and she is off to Spain for 2 weeks! She grew up so freakin fast! It feels like she was just a little baby! Then she is off to college in the fall, and now she'll be a grown up and I'll never get to see her!
My other little sister is on her 3rd baby, and I've missed all 3 pregnancy's! I know I made this choice to move, and I never would have met my amazing hubby, but sometimes I hate that I moved away from my family.

Sorry for the depressing post. Tomorrow is Friday, so hopefully it will be so much better!