Thursday, June 3, 2010

Just one of those days...

I'm depressed, I'm sad, I want to cry, is AF coming soon? NO!!! WTH???? I have no idea what is wrong with me. All day I've just felt this sadness. UGh! go away hormones!! Usually I don't post these depressing posts mid-month. But today, I just felt that I need to write it out!

I've been feeling lately that I am never going to get pg. Ever. I'm getting older and older, and nothing has changed! I know there are still things that we haven't tried to help us achieve a pregnancy, but I wonder about that. How long do we try? How many different options do we do? And right now I don't have insurance! And if we end up moving soon, I still won't have insurance for who knows how long! I can go to my primary care doc, but she wants me to go to a obgyn, who is more knowledgeable than she. Which I completely understand, but I don't want to go to a different doc and have to tell the same story to, and get more blood work done! This just plain sucks!! E still talks about when we have a baby, and our kids, it's heartbreaking for me, b/c I feel that I just know that it will never happen. But I smile and pretend that it will all work out. That it just isn't time yet. But inside I'm dying. I just wish I knew either way what was going to happen.

Also I'm a little sad that we still haven't moved! I am missing everything! My baby sister just graduated high school, and she is off to Spain for 2 weeks! She grew up so freakin fast! It feels like she was just a little baby! Then she is off to college in the fall, and now she'll be a grown up and I'll never get to see her!
My other little sister is on her 3rd baby, and I've missed all 3 pregnancy's! I know I made this choice to move, and I never would have met my amazing hubby, but sometimes I hate that I moved away from my family.

Sorry for the depressing post. Tomorrow is Friday, so hopefully it will be so much better!

9 comments:

prayerfuljourney said...

It's okay to post about the "blahs" of IF. It does stink! I would hate being far away from my family too. I bet it is hard. So,you are looking to move back closer to home?

You are young...and yes, you have more procedures or meds to try...and will most likely see more than one dr to help you. It's what IF is all about...but in the end when you're expecting your little one..it will all be worth it. Look at how in awe all the pg women on this blog are feeling? Sounds wonderful. Praying for you and hope you feel better soon!

Sara Renee said...

I hate my low days too... I know how you feel! I had a low day, so low, that I thought my two bffs were conspiring against me because they had a playdate together with their kids & didn't invite me! Turns out it was while I was working. I told myself that I hated them, and would never speak to them again, and that when I got pregnant I would keep it all to myself and didn't need their stupid play dates... lol. Infertility makes one a crazy person. I like to think it's for a purpose though... like I get to see crazy people get pregnant and learn what NOT to be like! I hope everything gets straightened out soon! You know, you can research discount programs for people w/o insurance. It's actually cheaper NOT to have insurance sometimes... by the time you pay all those premiums and whatnot. I haven't gotten a chance to read your backstory, but have you researched vitamins that help PCOS? Im about to start them!! I'm totally rambling... I'm sorry you had a craptastic day! HUGS!!

S.I.F. said...

Get it out there lady... Goodness knows I've had a few of those days myself this week. But you WILL be a mother some day. Of that I am sure.

the misfit said...

I can certainly understand the low days lately :). And I'm totally with you - torn between acting like it will all happen "eventually," and accepting that it's not going to happen ever, and figuring out how to decide when we've tried enough treatments and need to stop. Why is this ALL so difficult?

Faith makes things possible said...

Sorry to hear you were having a bad day! Hopefully you are waking up this morning feeling better!

I hate having down days where fear and doubt sink in and hope slowly fades. We are human though and this can be expected from time to time. We just have to remember to keep trusting though through both the good and bad days!

I was on retreat over a year ago and one of the speakers said something along the lines of (sorry, I don't have my journal so I don't have the quote exactly) of "fear and doubt being from the devil." God wants us to be happy and so I try and remind myself of this. It's just hard though because, although I think I know what I need/want, His plans are going to be way grander than whst I could think or imagine.

Although I try and stay hopeful, there are days that are down days and the best thing is to let it out ( as the other commented said!!)!!!

Happy Friday to you!!!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

Hang in there, and don't feel bad about posting your "downs", we all have those moments. I've been feeling that way lately too. I agree with everybody, sometimes you just gotta get it out! We're here for you girlie!

Jenny said...

Don't feel bad about writing about your sadness. Infertility isn't always "rainbows and sunshine" and no one is always happy about all of it.

I don't know what you've tried so far with ttc but there are a lot of natural things you can try first before going to see a doctor. :)

And, I waited five and a half years before going to see an RE and actually figure out what was going on! So I'm definitely not one to judge on visiting the doctor. :)

Leila said...

I am so sorry you are sad, but please know there are many prayers for you out here in cyberspace!! Hugs!

Waiting Lisa said...

When I am feeling depressed, it always helps me to write about it. In fact, I find that the longer I go without writing, the more anxiety/depression I feel from keeping it all in. Keep writing! :)