Ok so I havn't left you all! Ive just been very busy, with work, we had a slumber party for the entire weekend (whew! glad thats over!) and a birthday party. I'll be all caught up soon I promise! Thanks for all your advice girls! I went ahead and bought the b6 and mucinex and I'll keep you posted on how that goes! :)
So to the title of my post... As I get closer to my period I always feel like I'm in a Bizzaro world. I am normally a very positive, happy the glass is half full kind of person. Nothing really bothers me and I always wonder why people get so upset about the littlest things. Don't get me wrong, I have that bad Italian temper that gets the best of me, but that sizzles and dies pretty quick. So the past week, I've been so crazy in my head, getting upset at everything, I can't hardly muster a genuine laugh I'm so upside down. It only lasts a week, but I am a completely different person during this week. I get these crazy cravings for chocolate, chips and pasta. Every little thing annoys me to the point where sometimes I have to go be by myself because I don't want to be mean to anyone. E says its not all that bad, but in my mind I can feel this huge difference in how I think and feel about things, I hate it.
Yesterday was cd1 and my cramps were so bad I had to stay home from work. I slept most of the day with a heating pad on.
Gabe's birthday was on Tuesday, and we had a little party for him, it was alot of fun, but his mother had to ruin it for me. (I told you, I was in my bizzaro mood) She had sent him a birthday card with a picture of her ultrasound in it! WTH!! REally!? every time she calls she always tells him that he's going to be a big brother.. yadda, yadda, yadda. I saw that pic and almost threw up. I couldn't be happy for him. It just seemed like a slap in the face, she knows that we are having a hard time conceiving, and still I just felt like this was a "haha, were having a baby and your not" kind of thing. I mean she is like that, so I'm probably not that far off in my thinking, but then I felt horrible that I got so upset about it. Is it really that bad? Why should it bother me like that? I blame it on Bizzaro.
Then today, I'm almost out of this Bizzaro mood of mine, I was walking on my break at work, like I do everyday and remember that horrible "friend" of mine who was so rude to me? Well she came with me along with another girl, M. M is having trouble getting pg, she is having secondary infertility, her only child is now 12. So M has been talking to me a little bit about the if thing. So we are just talking about work and M asked me if there was any new news on the IF front, I said no not yet ect.. and I asked how she was doing... Then S (the rude one) says Oh I'm late on my period! Then she goes on to tell us how she was so sure that she just couldnt be because they alway pull out and only one time he didn't but she flushed those sperm down the drain as soon as they were done! Ok I am in utter shock at this point as to why in the world she would say any of this to two women who are trying to get pg and she knows that both of us are having trouble! WOW! I know that S is just an ignorant person, but this is probably the most inconsiderate thing I have ever had anyone say to me. She just had a baby in Feb, and that was right after she had a miscarriage. And that baby may not have even been her husbands! I am so sick of her, and her ridiculousness. Really, she might be pg again!? how is this even allowed to happen?
Later after lunch S comes up to me to tell me about this crazy night she had last night with her sister. They were getting high and driving around trying to find a gas station with her baby in the car crying! As soon as she said her baby was in the car I asked her why are you driving around high with your child in the car? She said "oh it wasn't like I was baked or anything" Then she says that they had to go into the gas station to get drinks b/c they were baked and had cotton mouth. Again WOW! Also this girl has a picture of her little 4 year old boy drinking a beer on FB! I am seriously thinking of calling CPS on her.
One of my friends who used to work with us asked me how can God let someone like her have children, and someone like me can't. She said it just isn't fair. I don't really think of it as being fair or not, but that this is Gods plan. I am so mad at her for treating her children this way, but it doesn't make it not fair for me to not have children. I don't know what God has planned for her, He knows her and what she does and doesn't do. If He allows her to have children then I have to accept that. Nowhere does it say that life has to be fair. It isn't and it sucks, but I can't change it. So I'm upset for her children,and I'm mad at her, but I'm not mad at God for letting her have kids.