Yeah, I really don't have a good title for this one. Life has just been passing by, not much going on. I have been busy somewhat with my family. My little sister comes over almost daily with her 3 girls. Her husband is being shipped off to Iraq in December, and he is in OK right now for training. Her middle daughter is my goddaughter. I have also been babysitting for my oldest sister from time to time, she pays me which is nice, because I still do not have a job!
I am starting to feel the pressure of not working. E tells me not to worry, he is working lots and we have the $ to pay our bills. But we do want to get our own place. It's nice living with family sometimes, I mean we don't have any house payments, or utilities to pay. My mom makes dinner almost every night for us. But it is hard following other peoples rules, I mean we have had our own place for 6 years and to now be under our parents "rules" its gets hard sometimes. I have been applying everywhere I can find, but nothing is happening. I know I have to trust in the Lord, but I am having a hard time right now.
I feel almost helpless. I don't feel close to Him right now, I feel that my prayers are empty and there is just no direction in my life. This is really hard for me to feel this way. Whenever I pray, I have this closeness to the Lord that I love and I can feel him guiding me. But now, I don't. I don't know where to go, or what to do. I'm just lost. This IF thing is driving me crazy. Everywhere I turn there are families. I live in a relatively small town, that is very family oriented and everyone has kids. All I see at church, and the store, and the neighborhood are moms with their kids. There seems to be this divide between women who are moms and those who are not. If I go out with my sisters, I almost get ignored to a point because I don't have any kids, I guess I don't have anything in common with them, so they talk and talk to my sisters, and don't even bother asking me anything. I know I'm a little sensitive, but it's there, and I hate it. And when we finally are able to get our own place, where do we move to? My mom keeps telling me I should stay here in this town, but I don't want to buy a home in a kid run place. I don't want to live like I may someday have kids, so I need to buy something to get ready for it. I don't want to be the outcast on my street. I am sick of living like "someday it may happen". I just want to live my life the way it is. There is still so much for us to do, but the realities are that I may never have children. IT may never happen. What then? I have a huge house with no one to fill it? I don't want that to be me. I saw an episode of house hunters on hgtv and there was this young couple wanting a big 4 bedroom house because they were going to start trying for babies as soon as they had a house. I laughed when I heard that, maybe I'm a little cynical but how naive to think that you can just get pg whenever you want. It doesn't happen like that for allot of us. I hate it. I hate the PCOS. I hate that I have to try so hard.
Sorry for the cry fest over here, I just needed to get it out!