Monday, October 25, 2010

Lost...

Yeah, I really don't have a good title for this one. Life has just been passing by, not much going on. I have been busy somewhat with my family. My little sister comes over almost daily with her 3 girls. Her husband is being shipped off to Iraq in December, and he is in OK right now for training. Her middle daughter is my goddaughter. I have also been babysitting for my oldest sister from time to time, she pays me which is nice, because I still do not have a job!
I am starting to feel the pressure of not working. E tells me not to worry, he is working lots and we have the $ to pay our bills. But we do want to get our own place. It's nice living with family sometimes, I mean we don't have any house payments, or utilities to pay. My mom makes dinner almost every night for us. But it is hard following other peoples rules, I mean we have had our own place for 6 years and to now be under our parents "rules" its gets hard sometimes. I have been applying everywhere I can find, but nothing is happening. I know I have to trust in the Lord, but I am having a hard time right now.
I feel almost helpless. I don't feel close to Him right now, I feel that my prayers are empty and there is just no direction in my life. This is really hard for me to feel this way. Whenever I pray, I have this closeness to the Lord that I love and I can feel him guiding me. But now, I don't. I don't know where to go, or what to do. I'm just lost. This IF thing is driving me crazy. Everywhere I turn there are families. I live in a relatively small town, that is very family oriented and everyone has kids. All I see at church, and the store, and the neighborhood are moms with their kids. There seems to be this divide between women who are moms and those who are not. If I go out with my sisters, I almost get ignored to a point because I don't have any kids, I guess I don't have anything in common with them, so they talk and talk to my sisters, and don't even bother asking me anything. I know I'm a little sensitive, but it's there, and I hate it. And when we finally are able to get our own place, where do we move to? My mom keeps telling me I should stay here in this town, but I don't want to buy a home in a kid run place. I don't want to live like I may someday have kids, so I need to buy something to get ready for it. I don't want to be the outcast on my street. I am sick of living like "someday it may happen". I just want to live my life the way it is. There is still so much for us to do, but the realities are that I may never have children. IT may never happen. What then? I have a huge house with no one to fill it? I don't want that to be me. I saw an episode of house hunters on hgtv and there was this young couple wanting a big 4 bedroom house because they were going to start trying for babies as soon as they had a house. I laughed when I heard that, maybe I'm a little cynical but how naive to think that you can just get pg whenever you want. It doesn't happen like that for allot of us. I hate it. I hate the PCOS. I hate that I have to try so hard.
Sorry for the cry fest over here, I just needed to get it out!

11 comments:

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

You can vent anytime. It just reminds us all to pray harder for you! You are an amazing person, and I cannot wait for the day that your heart and arms are filled.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

I agree with Leila - let it all out! We are here to support you! I am sorry for this down time, hoping the light at the of the tunnel is very close! (((Hugs)))

Complicated Life said...

We're both lost! I completely understand how you feel. We literally have one couple that we're friends with that don't have children or aren't pregnant. We are very lonely and I hate the way I stick out like a sore thumb.

We bought our house last year and did buy one with extra bedrooms. We were struggling with IF then, but just decided to do it. For some reason, I feel like those rooms will be filled; somehow, someday. But I completely understand wanting to "live life as it is" and not living as though children are right around the corner. People often tell me, "Well, you might want to rethink *such and such* because you'll have kids soon." I learned a long time ago not to plan my life around the children that are *supposed* to come because honestly, they may never come. We are adopting though, so I do hope that pans out, but who knows how long it will take! Could be years!

JellyBelly said...

Never apologize for venting!!!! We're here for you!

I understand your job hunt and housing frustrations. I could barely live with my parents as a single adult, I couldn't imagine living at home with my husband!

You will fun a job, just be persistent and pray!

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

Understood sweetie. Dh and I struggled with that thought like that of the house except ours was with a car. Last September my car died. Dh and I found a fabulous deal at our friends dealership for a mom car.....we got a Toyota sequoia. We figured we would just start popping them out and with a deal like the one we got, we thought, why by a car now and then resell it for something bigger in a few years. So we went with it...and for the past year I have been drying around by myself in a 7 seater bus!!! That's what we get for planning,huh? But in all honesty, I loveeeeee it and when we go on road trips, we still fill it up! Can't imagine fitting kids on those trips! But, I can't either. So, I get what you are saying.....hugs around your neck:)

Faith makes things possible said...

Oh my, over half the stuff you wrote I have either felt recently or am still feeling!!
It's amazing that there are so many times IF can make you feel so alone but then a fellow blogger writes some of the exact things you've been feeling and then you realize you're not do alone after all!!

Hang in there pretty lady, I'm praying for you!!

Ps...PCOS sucks!!

some how, some way, some day said...

I know how you are feeling! We bought our house in 1998 anticipating having children. We are 1 block from the elementary school and it hurts to see the neighbor children walking by every morning. You are so not alone on this journey!

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I’m just so sorry! Vent away!

I’ll be honest. We moved last year to a 4 bedroom house. I was miscarrying #3 at the time so we weren’t delusional or having grand ideas about filling it up rapidly. We just liked the house, but I feel so SILLY here sometimes. I don’t even use the upstairs and leave the heat/air turned off up there unless company is here. I completely understand that. And I do need another car, but cannot bring myself to start looking at them for the same reason.

As for the conversing with people: If you do not currently have children or a job, it can be more difficult for people (who don’t know you) to talk to you simply because those are the “go-to” conversation starters. I have neither so believe me, I know. It’s lack of creativity on their part and totally sucks because it leaves it up to you, but I am confidant you do have things in common with a lot of these people. Any blogger who has met me will tell you that I am a BIG talker (which everyone finds surprising because I am so quiet on my blog). So it is easy for me to interject myself into a conversation and me be the one to tell a story or ask people questions and get a conversation started. Once it is started, it is easier for the other person to talk to you. I admit that this comes naturally to me and might not fit another’s personality, but I just wanted you to know how I personally deal with it. I’ve been married for 8+ years and long gone are the days when we had childless couples as friends.

I hate PCOS, too. I really do.

Chin up & hang in tough, Lady. It'll get better. I hope sooner than you think.

the misfit said...

I understand. It's so hard not to know what future to plan for, to struggle between being able to just live the life you have and never being able to plan for something else. ARGHHH.

And I'm sorry you feel distant from God...I sure know how that is, but I generally think it's unjust for it to happen to people who are not as cynical as I am.

My Heart Exults... said...

I have PCOS too. Simply put: it sucks.

I have been feeling abandoned and lost recently myself. I think a lot of us have. If you haven't already, check out this post about this book http://myheartexults.blogspot.com/2010/10/page-45-of-my-first-book.html:

For me, even though I feel alone I still feel Him calling me to attend Adoration. When Mary lost Jesus, when she was scared and without her Son, she went to the temple to pray and there she found Him. When I feel rejected, ignored, hurt by all this IF stuff, distant, desperate...he bids me to Adoration, reminding me that He is with us always. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

C. said...

Hi Suzy,

I just realized I had never thanked you for your kind comments from before. Please forgive me; I (unfortunately) seem to get more selfish when I'm facing a trial myself.

I really enjoy your blog and I think you should be able to vent or have a "cry fest" whenever you need to! Holding it in is worse...at least in my opinion.

I'm sorry you're struggling. It sucks to feel lost an apart from Him. You are in my thoughts!