According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church a family is defined as : "A man and woman united in marriage, together with their children, form a family" This is in the part concerning the fourth commandment. This was what my Familia group was studying this month. When I first read this, I was so distraught. How can this be in the Catechism? Do I not have a family because I don't have children? Are we incomplete? Well, kinda. I have been thinking about this for a while, I know that this was in the fourth commandment which is Honor thy Father and Mother. So of course this has to do with a "family", but it still stings. For some reason I am having a really hard time this year dealing with my IF. This time of year is usually my favorite time of year, but I can't enjoy it. Christmas time is supposed to be joyous and wonderful, I mean for the first time in over 6 years I finally have a white Christmas, but it's not joyous this year. Another year without children. Another year of trying and failing and I just want to give up. I have always dreamed of how awesome it will be to have my own family on Christmas, you know little kids waking you up in the early morning so excited that Santa has come, and making your own Christmas memories. I hate thinking about it, that I may never have this chance. I lost it the other day when I was talking to my mom about Christmas, I just broke down and I hate crying in front of people. She always tells me that everyone is praying for me, but it doesn't seem to be working.
This year has been tough. I still don't have a job, and living here with my parents is starting to be to much. We need to get our own place. I am sick of AF showing up, and I can't stand the positivity that some people have for me. Everyone including E says that it will happen, don't worry, ect... But it hasn't happened, my positive attitude towards my IF is gone. I'm sorry that I've been so depressing lately, but I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm reminded that I don't have a "family" every day. I'm surrounded by families, and kids. Don't get me wrong I love my nieces and nephews and wouldn't change living close by them for anything, but the longer time goes by I worry about if I ever do have kids, they won't have any cousins to play with. All the kids will be grown and mine will be too little to know them. There are so many families and kids at church it's depressing to go sometimes.
I keep praying to St. Joseph every day, I pray to Jesus and Mary, and yet I feel so alone and sad that I don't have a "family". I hope someday that I will just be able to be ok, and not get so upset about this anymore. I don't know if we will ever have what is defined as a family, and I just hope that one day I will be able to accept that.