We made it, litteraly. Yesterday we got part of the big blizzard that wreaked havoc out there. We had to bring Gabe back, and I knew that we needed to leave early, but Gabe's mom said that they don't get snow till january,(yeah, cuz she's lived here forever) and Eric didn't understand how bad it could get. So I was right (of course) and the drive that is supposed to take an hour one way, took us 2 to get up there and 3 to get back. And our car is not great in this kind of weather. It slips in the rain! But we didn't have to deal with that much before we moved.
And Saturday was CD 1. I was devestated. Even with the confusion of wether or not I was ready, it just broke my heart. I was holding out hope, I didn't have any cramps before hand, which doesn't happen often, so I kept trying to make believe that it wouldn't happen. But it did. So here is another year gone by with no baby in my arms, no one to call me mommy. Another year that I'm not able to give this gift to my husband. It's depressing sometimes to think about. I was sorta surprised how hurt I was that AF showed up. Some times it's really hard, and others I knew that AF was coming and I'm not putting any pressure on myself. I think that is my problem, I have less symptoms some cycles so I can't help but to think that this could be it. And I had awesome CM this cycle. We timed everything. And yet.... nothing happened. How long can this go on? E keeps telling me I need to be optimistic about it, but then look what happens. I am crushed when AF shows up and I know that there is no point in me being hopeful. None. Sometimes I think that I will never get pregnant. Adoption isn't in the cards for us, so I have no hope.
But something did happen Saturday night. As I was laying in bed I just felt this overwhelming peace start to fall over me, and I just felt that I needed to pray the rosary. So as I was praying, I knew that I had to offer this up. At least for a night I felt better, knowing that my pain is helping someone out there. It doesn't make it easier to deal with, but I know it is a good thing to do.