Monday, December 13, 2010

Threw the storm...

We made it, litteraly. Yesterday we got part of the big blizzard that wreaked havoc out there. We had to bring Gabe back, and I knew that we needed to leave early, but Gabe's mom said that they don't get snow till january,(yeah, cuz she's lived here forever) and Eric didn't understand how bad it could get. So I was right (of course) and the drive that is supposed to take an hour one way, took us 2 to get up there and 3 to get back. And our car is not great in this kind of weather. It slips in the rain! But we didn't have to deal with that much before we moved.
And Saturday was CD 1. I was devestated. Even with the confusion of wether or not I was ready, it just broke my heart. I was holding out hope, I didn't have any cramps before hand, which doesn't happen often, so I kept trying to make believe that it wouldn't happen. But it did. So here is another year gone by with no baby in my arms, no one to call me mommy. Another year that I'm not able to give this gift to my husband. It's depressing sometimes to think about. I was sorta surprised how hurt I was that AF showed up. Some times it's really hard, and others I knew that AF was coming and I'm not putting any pressure on myself. I think that is my problem, I have less symptoms some cycles so I can't help but to think that this could be it. And I had awesome CM this cycle. We timed everything. And yet.... nothing happened. How long can this go on? E keeps telling me I need to be optimistic about it, but then look what happens. I am crushed when AF shows up and I know that there is no point in me being hopeful. None. Sometimes I think that I will never get pregnant. Adoption isn't in the cards for us, so I have no hope.
But something did happen Saturday night. As I was laying in bed I just felt this overwhelming peace start to fall over me, and I just felt that I needed to pray the rosary. So as I was praying, I knew that I had to offer this up. At least for a night I felt better, knowing that my pain is helping someone out there. It doesn't make it easier to deal with, but I know it is a good thing to do.


Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Oh, I am so sorry. Bad storm and AF showing up...yuck. I am glad you guys made it home safely though...snow / ice / freezing rain is nasty to drive in.

Julie said...

I am almost 10 years into our our marriage and have never conceived. I know how you are feeling.
I understand that you can't have hope and grieve at the same time. It is so hard.
Somewhere around year 4-5, my cross changed a bit. I still carried the cross of childlessness, but I no longer wanted to get pregnant. I knew God was calling us to adopt. Although we had always felt open to adoption, it was at that point in our marriage that our focus switched...only to carry that heavy cross of failed adoptions for another 4-5 years. If you have time, read my infertility story on my blog. I think you will be able to relate to much of what I went through!
I am praying for you so that God will heal your heart so that it can be open to His Will alone!

Anonymous said...

i love those little moments of peace that come, like the one you mentioned while you were laying in bed. i think those moments are what get me through sometimes.

prayerfuljourney said...

I've had those moments of peace also....just feels like Jesus is next to you and letting you know that it will all be okay...He often tells me to Trust in Him! Not so easy sometimes.

I'm so emotional when AF arrives...I just try to prepare as much as I can.

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

I was so sad reading this and then when I got to your part about the peace, I realized that I felt what you were saying. You calmed my worry. Hugs sweetie. Going to mass in the a.m. Just put your name on the postit on my phone to remind me to pray for you tomorrow. Sorry...I am ADD and forget things with out the Post It App! HUGS