Friday, April 30, 2010

Part Time Mom....

This week I have recieved a few private emails about the infertility post that I had on my FB. An old highschool friend was very supportive. Here is what she said: I feel like a complete jack ass! I had no clue you were infertile. I guess that isn't something you want to broadcast. I bet your husband sons is a blessing for you. Love ya girl and stay strong!
She has 2 kids, and had asked me at one time if we were trying or something like that. It wasn't anything that I would have gotten upset about though. But she had a great point. Gabe is a blessing! It's just hard to remember that sometimes. He doesn't live with us anymore, since his mom moved out of state. We only get to see him twice a year. We visit for Christmas, we pick up Gabe and stay at my mom's house for a week. Then Gabe stays with us for the entire summer. When he is with us, I am a mom. kindof. I take care of him, I make sure he says his prayers and gets to Church, I take him to play-dates, and make his favorite foods. We talk for hours and have lots of fun. I love it when he's with us. We really feel like a family. A complete family.
But when Gabe is gone, its like I am nothing. When he calls, he wants to talk to Daddy, not me. He misses his Daddy, not me. Sometimes he wants to tell me things, and talks to me for a while, but he can't say that he loves me when his mom is around. He doesn't talk to me that much when she is around. It sucks.
So, I am a part time mom. I love it. I hate it. But my friend is right. I am blessed to have Gabe in my life. Even if he isn't mine, I still get to be a mom, even if just for a little bit.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Infertility Awareness Week

So most of you know it is Infertility Awareness Week. I finally just let the whole world know about my infertility on my Facebook. It was a little scary to put it out there for all to see. I wasn't sure how people would respond. I think most people so far have ignored it, I mean what do you say to someone who posts "hey I'm infertile!" lol. I'm not sure I would comment or even bring it up to them. But I was a little surprised that one of our friends commented that he too is infertile. Its just something that people don't talk about. I never would have known that he is going threw this if I hadn't spoken out. If posting about the infertility has helped one person out there not feel alone, then I'm glad I did it! :)
Of course there is always one person who is just so insensitive and annoying. I work with this girl who at first I thought was nice, we became FB friends, but the more I get to know her the more I want to stay away from her! She came up to me and said "I saw your FB status, I didn't know. Are you sad?"
How did I respond to this without punching her in the face? I just looked at her and told her that it is something that I have to deal with and now I have to get back to work. Wow! some people!

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Now onto something that is just really sad. One of the boss's at work 13 year old son was killed yesterday. He was riding his bike to school, and was hit by a van. The driver was an older man, no drugs or alcohol involved. He was not speeding. The boy wasn't wearing a helmet. They said that he may have survived if he was wearing one. It is just really horrible. I can't even imagine what that family is going threw. If you can all send some prayers towards that family, they really need it.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

waiting

We are so excited about the offer we got on the house! We now have to wait for the Banks approval of the short sale. This could take a few months. The buyers are in no hurry to move in, so that is a good thing! :)

Right now this feels like the only good thing going on. It is CD2. The cramps started early this morning, and I had to go to work for a few hours. I was not in the mood for that. I always know when this day is coming. it sucks. I don't want to hate it so much anymore. I feel hopeless right now. I guess I always feel like this every month, and then in a few day's I'll be all optimistic and hopefull for the future. But right now, not so much.. I wish I knew what I can do to get PG! It just seems like there is no help out there. I had bought a book on PCOS, and it was a waste of $$. The begining of the book was all about what it is, and the different hormones involved, but then the author said that "its not enough to tell a woman with pcos to just eat less and excersize more!" but then she basically said that is exactly what you need to do to help "cure" the PCOS. If that was all it took, then I should be "healed" right now. Does anyone out there know anything helpfull about PCOS? what to stay away from, what to do to help with the sypmtoms? I am so sick of the cramps that make me feel like I am going to die! I am sick of not getting pregnant, I am sick of everyone around me getting pregnant and always asking me why I don't have any kids. When I say I have a step-child, I always get the same response "oh, so your husband just doesn't want anymore kids?" WTH? NO! Are you stupid? Ugh, it is just frusterating. I hate feeling like this. It is so depressing.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

We may be moving??

I know I've been away for a while on here. My PMS hormones were kicking in last weekend. I was feeling depressed and sorry for myself, and I figured it would not be good to post feeling like that! During this "time" I think things that I normally wouldn't be thinking, and I just get so down about the littlest things. I am aware of my problem, and isn't that the first step? ;)
So I am patiently waiting for AF to show up and ruin my nice day, or night. I hate that *B*

Anyway. Work has been crazy. It is a little different from what I was doing, and learning the new system has been frustrating. But so far I like it enough. I know it will take some time getting used to, and once I get into the swing of things, it will be a piece of cake! (mmmm cake!)

I wanted to thank all of you for your prayers for us and our housing situation. Also thank you St. Joseph! If your on my facebook you may have already heard, we listed our house! We are really excited about this. Finally! After lots and lots of prayers, we decided to do a short sale. There is some new government program out there that will help with the Short Sales, so that the Seller isn't responsible for the difference in the sale price and the loan amt. That works great for us. We really didn't want to go into Foreclosure, and we can't afford to stay here any longer. E has been out of work for so long, we are running on empty. So my Realtor friend Cesar listed our house yesterday and this evening he actually had a Buyer to look at it! They have since come and gone, about a half an hour ago. We should be hearing from Cesar soon to see what they said. I know it's silly, but we were kinda hoping they would put an offer on the house tonight and we could high-tail it outta here!

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Update! Ceasar just stopped by while I am writing this, and he said that he thinks that the Buyers are going to make an offer!

Monday, April 12, 2010

oops! and Failed BBQ

OMG! what did I do? I was trying to delete my other blog and deleted this one! then I undeleted it, and all my posts are gone! I am so pissed right now! Can you tell I'm not very good with computers???

anyway... Today was very interesting..
E sent me a text at work today, wanting to know how to defrost the ground beef. Oh no! What in the world is the man going to do? E does not cook. He can't cook. Ok, he does make bomb scrambled eggs and breakfast potatoes, but that is it! lol :)
So I tell him what to do, and I want to know why he needs to defrost anything. His friend J is coming over tonight and he wants to bbq some hamburgers. Might be fun! Ok, let me again say that E can't cook, and he has never used a grill before! Never ever! E never wanted to use the grill. He thought it was dumb, untill last summer when we had a bbq at a friends house. Now our grill is a built in one that came with the house we bought 5 years ago. It is not the best grill out there. Now I have always wanted to use the grill, but alas I am very clumsy and most likely would have burned myself or burned down the house!
So I get home, start on the potato salad, which by the way is bomb-diggity! then I make the hamburger patties. E and J finally get the grill started, after a helping hand from yours truly. The two of them out there, and they couldn't figure out what the heck they were doing! lol. So I give E the patties, and go back inside.. ( of course that is a bad idea ) All of a sudden I hear " Honey, I think we need more ground beef!" What! oh no.. what is going on. I get out there, and I am amazed at what I found! The burgers are a mashed up mess and half of them fell into the coals, I don't know what E did.. lol :)



So, needless to say, we did not have tasty homemade burgers, E and J went to BK for us, because I was not going to cook anymore. So we had our BK and potato salad. What a night! I think after I deleted my blog I need a glass of wine.. omg.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

No coffee = ovulation???

I have read several times that coffee can be a big cause in infertilness ( don't know if that is a real word! ) in a lot of women. I have only had maby 4 cups of coffee in the past few weeks. I have had crazy amounts of CM! I havn't had this much since, forever! Sorry if your grossed out here, but I am so excited. Even E noticed it. I havn't taken my temps in 2 years, so I don't know for sure, but I like to think that maby I ovulated this cycle? After all the coffee is gone from the house, that will be it for me, for the most part. I can't throw it away, you know guilt about wasting has been ingrained in my brain! So just one or 2 cups a week. I love coffee, but I will gladly give it up if it means that we can have a baby. :)

I'm not sure how my thyroid meds are working. I don't realy know if I feel any different. I guess I'm not as tired all day like I was, but my energy is not where I think it should be, or where it used to be years ago. I still have about 4 weeks to go before I get my bloodwork done again, So we will see.

My new job is getting a little better. I have already made some great new friends. And I know that the trainer is just kinda dumb, so I'm ignoring that and just focusing on learning "on the job". It's not that different from my last job, but each company has it's own policies that you need to follow.

So this week on Thursday E smashed up my car! He is fine, thankfully but the car is not at all! Someone did an illegal u-turn in front of him, so E hit the side of this guys car, then this guy tried to take off in the wrong direction on the street, and only stopped because his pacemaker started acting up! Some people! I don't get it. The guys has insurance, so they will be paying for the damages. We should know on Monday if it is totaled or not. In the meantime we did get a rental. It is pretty nice! Not as nice as my car, but still nice.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I hope I made the right decision!

So, yesterday I started my new job. Yikes! Did I make the right decision here? I left a decent job, pay was alright, people were ok. Maby not the perfect job, but it was good. I did get a pay raise for this new place, but... Something just isn't clicking here. We have training for 2 weeks, and the trainer is horrible!
How can I explain this .. She makes up stories about past trainees, and you can tell that they are so not true! She talks super fast and just breezes threw everything. I am mentally checking out most of the day. How awful is that? My girlfriend works here, and she warned me about the trainer, but nothing could have prepared us for what she did today. We went to lunch at 12:00, lunch is an hour. We got back at 1, and didn't see our trainer till 3:30! WTH??? Really?? I mean it was nice getting paid for nothing, but this was ridiculous! I am hoping that once I get out on the floor things will be different.

I don't think that I have really talked about our housing situation. E and I want to move sooo bad! We bought our house at the peak of the housing market, and now are upside down like no body's business! We have nobody here, no family, we have fired most of our friends, mainly because of their lifestyles. G is not here anymore. So it is pointless for us to be living here. Besides, I miss my family so much. Going home once a year is just not enough. E is from Vegas, I'm not. He only has one sister, and she and their mom moved to NY. That is where E's mom is from. This is just not the place for me. People come and go all the time, it is hard to put down roots in a place like this. My family is from Cincinnati, and I love it there. I love the people and the city, I love the food. Yes I love Skyline! If you didn't grow up on it, most people hate it.. lol. But we can't move. Not yet. We can't rent our house b/c our mortgage is so high. Right now with all the foreclosures, you can rent a house twice the size of ours for half the price! You can even buy a house twice the size of ours for half the price! We are just trying to decide what the best way is to go about this.. We might be able to do a loan mod, but it's not guaranteed, and we have heard so many horror stories about the loan mods not being what they thought. Some of the Banks are not as helpful as you would think. Hmmm imagine that!
I have a friend who is a Realtor, and he keeps trying to get us to Short Sale. But that will wreck our credit, and you can't buy a new home for 1-2 years after! We want to be able to move, and buy a new home. We really don't want to lose our house, or ruin our credit just to move because we want to move. It is driving me crazy not knowing what to do, or what is going to happen. All I know is that I want to get out of here and move back with my family. My little sister is having another baby, and I am going to miss this birth, just like I missed all the rest!

Here is a little background. I am one of 8 +1 I have a step brother, so he only half counts! lol. there are 7 girls, and 1 brother and 1 step brother. All of my sisters have kids. Except my baby sister, she is still in High School. So far there are 22 nieces and nephews. I am the only one who hasn't been able to get pregnant.. The only one who has this problem. I feel like if I can go home, somehow everything will be better for us. Everyday I pray that we can move. I hope it is Gods will for us. I don't know how it can't be.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Easter, and Prayer Buddy!

This year E and I went to the Easter Vigil. It was so beautiful. It realy meant alot for us to be here this year. E came into the Church last year, and he recieved all his Sacraments for the first time. :) It was a realy special time for us, and we thought it would be nice to welcome home all the new members. This year there were 10! The sermon was long, but well worth it. I felt such peace afterwards, and the joy that was coming from the new members was amazing! I think this will be our new Easter Tradition.

So here it is, my Prayer Buddy is Beautiful Day! I realy enjoy her blog. Her children are so beautiful! During my Novena this Lent I included her and her family in my nightly prayers. St. Joseph has been there for me and my family, and I wanted her to be able to feel his presence during Lent this year working in her family as well. I hope that she had a wonderful Lent, and I will be continuing to keep her in my prayers. This was a great idea, to be able to pray for someone you don't know, and to just be able to focus on someone else during a time that I want to ask for myself, is very humbling. I realized it is not all about me. There are other people out there who maby we don't realize need our prayers, but God uses us all in ways that we can never understand. I hope to be able to be apart of this again. :)

Today I started my new job and I am to tired to go into it now.. but I will be posting about that soon!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

upping my meds..

Yesterday I had my follow up apt with the Endocrinologist. You remember the one who I thought was an absolute idiot? Well this time it was much better. I didn't have to wait as long, and the Dr. realy took the time to talk to me. He still doesn't know squat about PCOS, but he does know about my thyroid, and I need to get that into check.
My levels aren't where they are supposed to be yet, so he upped my Synthroid from 25mcg to 50mcg. My body still isn't converting the T4 to T3, so hopefully upping the dose will do the trick.
I have seen on quite a few blogs about people using Armour instead of the Synthroid. I asked my Dr. about that. He told me that there is no reason to use that "natural" form yet. We first have to get my levels to the right spot, and see if the Synthroid works. He said about 90% of people the Synthroid works. In a normal person your body converts the T4 to T3 and the Synthroid should help my body do that. If it doesn't he will definately put me on the Armour. He said that with the higher dose I should start feeling much better, more "alive" during the day, and the weight should start falling off! Praise God if that happens! I litterally cannot eat anything without gaining weight. My once in a blue moon cheeseburger makes me gain at least 4lbs. Not joking! My dr. said that once the medicine starts working as long as I keep eating healthy and working out, I will be back to my "normal" weight.
I used to be thin! years ago I was thin! My poor hubby has never seen me like that. I will be so excited to have him know that I can look good! :) I know he loves me the way I am, but you know when you feel good about yourself, you look even better!

And yes I kindof quit coffee cold turkey. I havn't had one cup this whole week! It has been rough. I will only drink one cup on the weekends. Like one cup Sat and one cup Sun. I love the taste and smell of coffee... but it is bad for my infertileness.. I did this before, stopping the coffee, and my CM is thicker and I feel better not drinking it everyday. So I think I will keep this no coffee thing going!