Wednesday, July 28, 2010

It could happen .. Right?

Have you ever seen that show I didn't know I was Pregnant? . Today I couldn't help but to think would if that is me? This is what happened. Yesterday I woke up super sick. My stomach hurt so bad, I was nauseous all day, then again this morning. I have had cramps almost all day like I'm going to start my period. Of course I'm not because I already had my period last week. But I'm telling E and he is worried about me being so sick, so he tells me that I must be pregnant! What! So I amuse him and ask why he thinks that. Here is his logic... You can be pregnant and still have a period, and my period was very short only 2 days and no spotting like normal afterwards, why else would I have morning sickness, and cramps?
OMG I'm married to a crazy person! I laughed at him and he said I should take a test when I get home from work. I shrugged it off but all anyone has to do is plant a seed into my IF mind and it goes running off like a race horse!
I of course know that E's logic is nonsense, but I couldn't help but to think what if? Maby I'm about to give birth and have no idea! Maby the cramps are contractions! I could be anywhere and all of a sudden pop out a baby! According to this show it has happened! ;)
The cramping has subsided, but it was weird. I'm not sure what that was all about, but I'm kinda disappointed that this wasn't happening a week ago and I could of hoped that I would be late to actually finally take a PGTest. I have never taken one. I've never been late, I've never had a chance to take a test. Even if it came back with a BFN I would like to just have that little bit of hope that it could happen..

Thursday, July 22, 2010

My Bizzaro World

Ok so I havn't left you all! Ive just been very busy, with work, we had a slumber party for the entire weekend (whew! glad thats over!) and a birthday party. I'll be all caught up soon I promise! Thanks for all your advice girls! I went ahead and bought the b6 and mucinex and I'll keep you posted on how that goes! :)
So to the title of my post... As I get closer to my period I always feel like I'm in a Bizzaro world. I am normally a very positive, happy the glass is half full kind of person. Nothing really bothers me and I always wonder why people get so upset about the littlest things. Don't get me wrong, I have that bad Italian temper that gets the best of me, but that sizzles and dies pretty quick. So the past week, I've been so crazy in my head, getting upset at everything, I can't hardly muster a genuine laugh I'm so upside down. It only lasts a week, but I am a completely different person during this week. I get these crazy cravings for chocolate, chips and pasta. Every little thing annoys me to the point where sometimes I have to go be by myself because I don't want to be mean to anyone. E says its not all that bad, but in my mind I can feel this huge difference in how I think and feel about things, I hate it.
Yesterday was cd1 and my cramps were so bad I had to stay home from work. I slept most of the day with a heating pad on.

Gabe's birthday was on Tuesday, and we had a little party for him, it was alot of fun, but his mother had to ruin it for me. (I told you, I was in my bizzaro mood) She had sent him a birthday card with a picture of her ultrasound in it! WTH!! REally!? every time she calls she always tells him that he's going to be a big brother.. yadda, yadda, yadda. I saw that pic and almost threw up. I couldn't be happy for him. It just seemed like a slap in the face, she knows that we are having a hard time conceiving, and still I just felt like this was a "haha, were having a baby and your not" kind of thing. I mean she is like that, so I'm probably not that far off in my thinking, but then I felt horrible that I got so upset about it. Is it really that bad? Why should it bother me like that? I blame it on Bizzaro.

Then today, I'm almost out of this Bizzaro mood of mine, I was walking on my break at work, like I do everyday and remember that horrible "friend" of mine who was so rude to me? Well she came with me along with another girl, M. M is having trouble getting pg, she is having secondary infertility, her only child is now 12. So M has been talking to me a little bit about the if thing. So we are just talking about work and M asked me if there was any new news on the IF front, I said no not yet ect.. and I asked how she was doing... Then S (the rude one) says Oh I'm late on my period! Then she goes on to tell us how she was so sure that she just couldnt be because they alway pull out and only one time he didn't but she flushed those sperm down the drain as soon as they were done! Ok I am in utter shock at this point as to why in the world she would say any of this to two women who are trying to get pg and she knows that both of us are having trouble! WOW! I know that S is just an ignorant person, but this is probably the most inconsiderate thing I have ever had anyone say to me. She just had a baby in Feb, and that was right after she had a miscarriage. And that baby may not have even been her husbands! I am so sick of her, and her ridiculousness. Really, she might be pg again!? how is this even allowed to happen?
Later after lunch S comes up to me to tell me about this crazy night she had last night with her sister. They were getting high and driving around trying to find a gas station with her baby in the car crying! As soon as she said her baby was in the car I asked her why are you driving around high with your child in the car? She said "oh it wasn't like I was baked or anything" Then she says that they had to go into the gas station to get drinks b/c they were baked and had cotton mouth. Again WOW! Also this girl has a picture of her little 4 year old boy drinking a beer on FB! I am seriously thinking of calling CPS on her.
One of my friends who used to work with us asked me how can God let someone like her have children, and someone like me can't. She said it just isn't fair. I don't really think of it as being fair or not, but that this is Gods plan. I am so mad at her for treating her children this way, but it doesn't make it not fair for me to not have children. I don't know what God has planned for her, He knows her and what she does and doesn't do. If He allows her to have children then I have to accept that. Nowhere does it say that life has to be fair. It isn't and it sucks, but I can't change it. So I'm upset for her children,and I'm mad at her, but I'm not mad at God for letting her have kids.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Where oh where are you CM?

I'm wondering where this CM has gone?? A few months back it was here and loud and proud! But over the past few months it has been drier than the Sahara! I have no idea what happend. I wasn't drinking coffee, I've been on this diet, I've been excersizing daily. What is going on??? Does anyone know of any home remedies to bring it back?? Its been really annoying to have to deal with. I feel so bad for poor E, he understands but I hate it!
So I was doing really good with no coffee at all! But I have been craving a Caramel Macchiato so I took Gabe with me on Sunday. We went to the used book store, which I love more than any other store :), and then went to Starbucks. Gabe got this HUGE cookie, I mean it was seriously the size of his head! And of course I got my Caramel Macchiato, as I was drinking it I looked over and saw this:

I almost choked on my drink! Only a IF would think that this was funny. :) I told E and he just rolled his eyes.lol.

Oh, Ann, I made your recipe for the faux rice, and it was pretty good! I wasn't sure how it would taste, but I had it with my taco salad, and it just took on the taste of the taco seasoning. The "rice" gave it just enough oomph to it to make it more filling. Thanks! :)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

4th update, and I'm an awesome step mom!

The 4th was pretty cool this year. We usually buy our illegal fireworks and blow em up in the street with our neighbors, but last year someone's palm tree caught on fire in our neighborhood, and there were lots of police patrolling the area this year! lol. So we went to Lake Las Vegas. It was so beautifull there, but it was unbelievealbly hot! We were so sweaty it was awefull! But I am glad that there are no mosquito's out here! There was a live band and they had a group of guys showing off there b boy skills! According to Gabe it was "sick!" After the fireworks show, the parking lot was jam packed! We were in the overflow lot and we sat there for 2 hours! But we had a good time just hanging out in the car. Gabe said he likes to just jam out in the car, so we cranked up the stereo and jammed out for 2 hours! lol so, last night Gabe hugged me and said I was the best step mom ever! I wanted to cry! He is so sweet. And I know I shouldn't be so happy about this, but he was on the phone with his mom tonight and I heard him tell her that he loves it here and doesn't want to leave our house. I can't help but to feel so proud that I have made a good home for him!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

A little bit of everything!

thank you all for your prayers and well wishes! Things are starting to get crazy and I'm getting nervous! I am a worry wort, and I can't help it! I hate not knowing the unknown. I want to know what job I'll have and where we'll live. I hate feeling this way.
I have to share some good news, my little sister just had baby #3! She has all girls, and they are the most beautiful kids I have ever seen! They are just so cute and so sweet, you can't help but to love them! :) Her husband is in the Army Reserves and is on his way oversees in a few months. He'll be gone for a year, so this will be pretty hard on my sister to have to raise those girls on her own. Please keep them in your prayers!

My older sister D is trying to sell her house and they just bought a new one, and she called me today to let me know that there closing date for the new house is the same as ours! She offered us their house that they still have on the market to live in rent free until we get jobs! That was an amazing offer and I was so excited, but we realized that there is no way we can live there even rent free. E has his unemployment but that just pays for our car bills, insurance, gas and child support. We wouldn't have enough $$ to pay for food, or the other bills, like water and electricity. So we had to pass at least for now. Were just going to have to stay at my parents house until we have a job. Hopefully that won't be too long! I mean I love my mom, but it;s hard living there in someone elses house with there rules, and my step dad is getting old and grouchy. But I'm glad we at least have a place to stay where we won't have any extra bills.

Nothing new on the IF front. My temps are still low. But higher than they've ever been! Still working on getting my thyroid in check. I have another few weeks till I have to get my blood work done.

My diet is going well, I've lost 6lbs! I'm so sick of eggs, and meat and salads! I just want some cheese and a tortilla! I have one more week of this no carbs thing, then I can just do the low GI. And that is how I'll have to live my life. I think I can handle that though. I can still have pasta and lentils. I have a new recipe book of low GI recipes. Looks pretty good, I'm ready to eat some good food! :)

So I need to vent a little here. I have this friend at work, S, she has allot of issues, but tries really hard most of the time to be a good person. She always asks my advise on how to be better and for a while we were getting to be pretty good friends. Then I started noticing that she tries to do whatever I do. If I'm on a diet and can't eat certain things, then she can't either, If I say something funny she'll use my joke over and over again to everyone she sees threw out the day. She even started dressing similarly to me. Its weird and kind of annoying but I know she just wants people to like her and she's trying not to be the "bad" girl that she has always been before. She has made lots of bad choices in her life, and her family is not very nice. But the past few days she's been kind of mean. She has two kids, one boy and one girl. Her girl is just a few months old, and she feels the need to talk about her all the time! Everyday she wants to show me a new picture and tell me that her daughter can lift her head now, and hold her bottle! It's over the top how she does it and she makes a huge production about it. She knows how long and how hard it has been for me with my IF. And yet she still gushes about her baby all day long! At first I was happy for her, but now I can't even fake smile anymore. Then on Friday she told me that she and her husband have to use the pull out method because she is afraid of getting pregnant, then she actually says to me that I am so lucky that I don't have to worry about getting pregnant! I almost punched her right in the face! I didn't say anything because I was afraid I might choke her! I had to go take a break and call E. I was so mad. I can't believe that anyone could be that stupid and that uncaring when she knows how I feel about my IF.
E says she is jealous. She envy's my life, and this is the one thing that she has that I can't have. So she is purposely throwing it into my face. I don't know, but I do know that I can't be friends with someone like that. I will still be nice, because that's just who I am, but I have to cut her out of my life. I guess it's good that we are moving. I will find new friends, hopefully some good ones!