Monday, October 25, 2010

Lost...

Yeah, I really don't have a good title for this one. Life has just been passing by, not much going on. I have been busy somewhat with my family. My little sister comes over almost daily with her 3 girls. Her husband is being shipped off to Iraq in December, and he is in OK right now for training. Her middle daughter is my goddaughter. I have also been babysitting for my oldest sister from time to time, she pays me which is nice, because I still do not have a job!
I am starting to feel the pressure of not working. E tells me not to worry, he is working lots and we have the $ to pay our bills. But we do want to get our own place. It's nice living with family sometimes, I mean we don't have any house payments, or utilities to pay. My mom makes dinner almost every night for us. But it is hard following other peoples rules, I mean we have had our own place for 6 years and to now be under our parents "rules" its gets hard sometimes. I have been applying everywhere I can find, but nothing is happening. I know I have to trust in the Lord, but I am having a hard time right now.
I feel almost helpless. I don't feel close to Him right now, I feel that my prayers are empty and there is just no direction in my life. This is really hard for me to feel this way. Whenever I pray, I have this closeness to the Lord that I love and I can feel him guiding me. But now, I don't. I don't know where to go, or what to do. I'm just lost. This IF thing is driving me crazy. Everywhere I turn there are families. I live in a relatively small town, that is very family oriented and everyone has kids. All I see at church, and the store, and the neighborhood are moms with their kids. There seems to be this divide between women who are moms and those who are not. If I go out with my sisters, I almost get ignored to a point because I don't have any kids, I guess I don't have anything in common with them, so they talk and talk to my sisters, and don't even bother asking me anything. I know I'm a little sensitive, but it's there, and I hate it. And when we finally are able to get our own place, where do we move to? My mom keeps telling me I should stay here in this town, but I don't want to buy a home in a kid run place. I don't want to live like I may someday have kids, so I need to buy something to get ready for it. I don't want to be the outcast on my street. I am sick of living like "someday it may happen". I just want to live my life the way it is. There is still so much for us to do, but the realities are that I may never have children. IT may never happen. What then? I have a huge house with no one to fill it? I don't want that to be me. I saw an episode of house hunters on hgtv and there was this young couple wanting a big 4 bedroom house because they were going to start trying for babies as soon as they had a house. I laughed when I heard that, maybe I'm a little cynical but how naive to think that you can just get pg whenever you want. It doesn't happen like that for allot of us. I hate it. I hate the PCOS. I hate that I have to try so hard.
Sorry for the cry fest over here, I just needed to get it out!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Baaaad morning!

Ok so I'm blaming this one on AF. She isn't here yet, but she is definitely on her way! I think I might be over emotional regarding this situation.
Here it is: I have my first Familia class tonight. The title is "Called to Authentic Feminism" When my cousin posted about this class on her FB page, all she said was that it was for all women. It sounds like a wonderful class, and my older sister has done a few of the Familia classes and loved them. So after I get the workbook in the mail I notice a few things. One is that this is part of the "Motherhood" series, and Two, the opening prayer that we are to pray is all about thanking God for letting us be mothers! This bothered me a little bit when I first noticed these things, but I assumed that surely not everyone going were mothers. Yesterday my cousin sent out an email about the class, and just for fun (maybe a little creepy?) I checked out her FB to see who all these women are, and to make sure at least one of them isn't a mother! Wrong, wrong, wrong! All of them have toddlers! Every single one! And to top it all off one of them is pregnant with her first child, and she just got married 2 months ago!
I lost it last night, I just keep thinking that this will become a baby fest and all they will want to talk about is what their two year old did that day. Maybe I'm being over dramatic here, but I just wanted to be apart of a good Catholic group of women who I could be friends with, and learn about our faith. I feel like as I get older, everyone either has babies, or if they don't it's because 1) they don't want them, or 2) they are engaged or newly married and are expecting to conceive soon.
I would love to have some friends who aren't always talking about their kids, or on the other side, talking bad about people who do have kids. Is there a happy medium in this? I'm just not sure where my life is going right now. Ugh!

Anywhay, I was thinking about how this would be a good opportunity to offer this up to Him for all of you and all who are suffering. But I'm really not sure how. I mean I can say it, but do I really offer it up? Am I supposed to feel different when I do? I guess all I can do is try, and hopefully tonight won't be as bad as I think.

Monday, October 11, 2010

My Prayer

There seems to be allot of emotional distress round these parts lately. My self included. Some times the burden of IF seems to much to handle and I am so glad we are all here to give each other support. It reminds us that we are not alone with this.
Every day I pray for all of you, and every Sunday during Mass I pray the same prayer for all of you, and maby selfishly, myself.

Dear Lord,
please protect those of us struggling with IF. Help us to know that You are there for us and have not abandoned us. Help us all find peace with whatever life you have in store for us. Bring us courage and strength for the pain and suffering we must endure. And if it be your will, please let every one of us experience motherhood, either threw natural ways or adoption. Please let us all experience being called "Mommy" and sharing your love with the world. Please Lord let us all enjoy this gift you have given to women, that would bring us to feel complete in our womanhood.
Amen.


I hope this prayer brings us all the peace that we so desperately need. :) And some babies too!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Just stuff.

This post isn't about anything in particular. Just blogging to blog! :)
I'll get some pics up this weekend of my beautiful surroundings. I did find some pics of the trails that we jog on online, I find it difficult to jog with a camera in hand! lol I couldn't find any pics of the trial in the fall, but these will have to do:



and another one:



Did I ever mention I love the Fall time? It is so beautiful with the changing of the leaves, I never get tired of looking at the trees! I know I'm a dork! haha.

My cousin has started a Familia class that will start next week. It's called "Called to Authentic Feminism" I am super excited to join this group of women and really be surrounded by good Catholic women IRL. My cousin is a few years older, so when we were younger we didn't hang out much. But now that we are all adults, it's nice that we can be friends. My cousin has an adopted son, her husband has some issue with his sperm, so again its going to be great to be around people who have a sense of what I am going through, and also are like minded. I can't wait to tell you all about this class and what we have learned. Have any of you ever done this class?

I am still looking for work. I wonder what the Lord has in store for me.. I have applied at numerous places, many of which I should have been more than qualified for, and I have gotten a few emails back saying they have gone with other people, or I just haven't heard anything back at all. I have complete faith in the Lord that he will get us threw this time and there is a way for us to survive! He has a plan for us and I just have to be patient. But is it wrong that I hate waiting!? ;)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Country Living!!

I love it!! I am lovin living in the country right now. It's peaceful and quiet. I love the trees and the birds. I could do without the mosquito's though. I've gotten bitten so much in the past few weeks it's insane! No one else gets bit, just me. I guess I've got super sweet blood! lol. But I think I might be allergic to the bites. I've gotten quite a few that have swelled up to the size of a golf ball. That is one of my only complaints. The other is that we are about 15-20 min from the nearest grocery store. But since we aren't really doing any shopping right now, it's not bad!
I love our new church. It's a relatively new church in the area. Everyone used to have to go to the next town over for Mass, but about 5 years ago the demand was so great for a Catholic church in the area, a local farm donated part of it's land for a new church. It's plain and ugly inside, but the priest is wonderful! The music is horrific, but thankfully the priest makes up for that. He tells it like it is, and is really on fire for the faith. Every Sunday we pray for the end to ab.or.ti.on . Fr prays for us to all to accept God's will for our lives and to ask God every day for His help. Now if we could just get rid of the "choir" it would be the best church I've ever been to! ;)
I've been busy babysitting for all my sisters. I've had to let them all know that I need to look for real work and that I can't babysit every single day. But I don't mind helping out. I love my nieces and nephews. They are all so cute and fun to be around. And we are so close to Gabe. We get to pick him up 2 weekends a month. We meet halfway so it's only an hour drive.
I've also been jogging! I never jog, and NEVER run! I hate running. But I can jog around the neighborhood and not worry about stray dogs, or crazy drivers. My sister C and I also go to the park to jog, and its wonderful. I love to be in the park with all the trees and little creeks and ponds! Jogging has gotten easier and I think I might be loosing some lbs! I don't have a scale, but I have a pair of jeans that are fitting a little bit better!
Well, It's my step dads birthday today so I've got to go make a cake for him while he's out! Happy Monday all! :)