Thursday, December 30, 2010

Prayer Buddy Reveal!!

Drumroll please.............. My prayer buddy for Advent 2010 is.......... Alive in Hope! http://alive-in-hope.blogspot.com/
I was so blessed to be able to pray for such an amazing lady. I had already been following her blog for a while, and I have to admit I was a little nervous. This woman is already so holy in my eyes, always with something amazingly positive and Christ centered going on at her blog. I though "what in the world can I pray for her?" There were no prayer requests posted on her blog, and the only thing I knew for sure was that we both have PCOS. So everyday I prayed to St. Joseph and Jesus to take care of her and heal her, I prayed the Rosary for her and asked Our Lord to combine my prayers with hers for whatever she needed during this time. I was having a spiritual war with myself these past few months, and truly praying for Alive in Hope helped me get back to where I need to be. I am very glad that I did get to pray for her this time, and if you havn't had a chance, you should get over there and read her blog!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A very Merry Christmas

So I want to thank all of you for your prayers and kind words.. I think that helped me a lot! After my cry fest, I prayed and prayed and just hoped that I could be happy. And I was. E is amazing, he always makes me laugh and makes me feel like everything will be ok for us.
On Christmas Eve my little sister and her 3 girls spent the night, it was so much fun! We watched Dispicable Me ( if you havn't seen it you must!) and the girls were so excited for Santa to come, so they made sure they were asleep asap! We put out reindeer food in the snow, and put out milk and cookies for Santa. Then they woke us all up early to open their presents. We were just super busy all day, my nephew came over after church and by 3 o'clock the entire family were here for dinner and gifts. There were 18 adults and 22 kids! It was a mad house like usual, but I love it, I love having everyone here to just hang out and enjoy each other. We had lots of wine flowing and tons of food. Christmas was awesome. E got me a Kindle and I love love love it! I love to read, and this was just the best gift ever. The books are about half the price you would pay for in the store, and i don't even have to go anywhere to get my books! :) So Christmas was great, I wasn't sad or upset about anything this year, and having my family surround me with love was just amazing.
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SO I had my follow up meeting with the Crighton lady S, she said that my chart was perfect, and not at all like someone who has PCOS. I had 5 days of good mucus and no unusual anything! I could pinpoint a peak day and so far this cycle is looking the same! I don't really know what's going on with my body, but so far there is nothing that looks "wrong" at all. By the looks of my chart I am a normal fertile gal! So again I'm just waiting for the insurance so I can get all my hormones and what not checked. Because, I know I'm not a normal fertile woman. But it is interesting to view my charts.
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I know I have to reveal my prayer buddy soon.. and I will... but this week is hectic, I'm surprised I found the time to write this.. Gabe is here this week and we are trying to keep busy with him, so I'll post as soon as I can!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The definition of Family

According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church a family is defined as : "A man and woman united in marriage, together with their children, form a family" This is in the part concerning the fourth commandment. This was what my Familia group was studying this month. When I first read this, I was so distraught. How can this be in the Catechism? Do I not have a family because I don't have children? Are we incomplete? Well, kinda. I have been thinking about this for a while, I know that this was in the fourth commandment which is Honor thy Father and Mother. So of course this has to do with a "family", but it still stings. For some reason I am having a really hard time this year dealing with my IF. This time of year is usually my favorite time of year, but I can't enjoy it. Christmas time is supposed to be joyous and wonderful, I mean for the first time in over 6 years I finally have a white Christmas, but it's not joyous this year. Another year without children. Another year of trying and failing and I just want to give up. I have always dreamed of how awesome it will be to have my own family on Christmas, you know little kids waking you up in the early morning so excited that Santa has come, and making your own Christmas memories. I hate thinking about it, that I may never have this chance. I lost it the other day when I was talking to my mom about Christmas, I just broke down and I hate crying in front of people. She always tells me that everyone is praying for me, but it doesn't seem to be working.
This year has been tough. I still don't have a job, and living here with my parents is starting to be to much. We need to get our own place. I am sick of AF showing up, and I can't stand the positivity that some people have for me. Everyone including E says that it will happen, don't worry, ect... But it hasn't happened, my positive attitude towards my IF is gone. I'm sorry that I've been so depressing lately, but I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm reminded that I don't have a "family" every day. I'm surrounded by families, and kids. Don't get me wrong I love my nieces and nephews and wouldn't change living close by them for anything, but the longer time goes by I worry about if I ever do have kids, they won't have any cousins to play with. All the kids will be grown and mine will be too little to know them. There are so many families and kids at church it's depressing to go sometimes.
I keep praying to St. Joseph every day, I pray to Jesus and Mary, and yet I feel so alone and sad that I don't have a "family". I hope someday that I will just be able to be ok, and not get so upset about this anymore. I don't know if we will ever have what is defined as a family, and I just hope that one day I will be able to accept that.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Threw the storm...

We made it, litteraly. Yesterday we got part of the big blizzard that wreaked havoc out there. We had to bring Gabe back, and I knew that we needed to leave early, but Gabe's mom said that they don't get snow till january,(yeah, cuz she's lived here forever) and Eric didn't understand how bad it could get. So I was right (of course) and the drive that is supposed to take an hour one way, took us 2 to get up there and 3 to get back. And our car is not great in this kind of weather. It slips in the rain! But we didn't have to deal with that much before we moved.
And Saturday was CD 1. I was devestated. Even with the confusion of wether or not I was ready, it just broke my heart. I was holding out hope, I didn't have any cramps before hand, which doesn't happen often, so I kept trying to make believe that it wouldn't happen. But it did. So here is another year gone by with no baby in my arms, no one to call me mommy. Another year that I'm not able to give this gift to my husband. It's depressing sometimes to think about. I was sorta surprised how hurt I was that AF showed up. Some times it's really hard, and others I knew that AF was coming and I'm not putting any pressure on myself. I think that is my problem, I have less symptoms some cycles so I can't help but to think that this could be it. And I had awesome CM this cycle. We timed everything. And yet.... nothing happened. How long can this go on? E keeps telling me I need to be optimistic about it, but then look what happens. I am crushed when AF shows up and I know that there is no point in me being hopeful. None. Sometimes I think that I will never get pregnant. Adoption isn't in the cards for us, so I have no hope.
But something did happen Saturday night. As I was laying in bed I just felt this overwhelming peace start to fall over me, and I just felt that I needed to pray the rosary. So as I was praying, I knew that I had to offer this up. At least for a night I felt better, knowing that my pain is helping someone out there. It doesn't make it easier to deal with, but I know it is a good thing to do.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Confusion

So as I'm waiting for AF to show up, and I know she will, I have been having conflicting thoughts on it. On one hand I can't wait for the day when I finally miss my period and get that big positive! On the other hand I'm wanting us to be able to take a trip in the near future ( I need a job first!) but I don't want to be worried about getting pg. For most people getting pg isn't on their minds daily, and they make plans and just do whatever. But for me I'm always thinking about it. I am always counting the days till my next period, I know what day in my cycle I am and wether or not I've got good CM. I don't want to waste the good CM, so there is always a possiblility ( I guess) of getting pg. I'm afraid that we will miss an opportunity to take a great trip, but I don't want to miss an opportunity to get pg either! And getting pg is so difficult that I don't want to do anything to jepordize my chances in any way. So I am kinda glad AF is coming, but I'm also super sad. Because this is another year that has gone by with no baby. Another year I'm getting older and older and how long will it take?
So I guess I'll just continue to be confused about this whole thing. Anyone else ever feel this way? It kinda sucks because I've wanted nothing else for so long, and now I just don't know if I'm ready. Obviously financially we are not ready, but other than that how much longer can my body reject getting pg? Well, our new insurance should be kicking in sometime in Jan, and I'll be getting more tests done to check all my hormones. But I wonder if I should just wait? Should we wait till we are more settled, till we've taken a big trip that we have wanted to do for a long time? Really why does this have to be so complicated? Normal people don't ever have to worry about things like this. Normal people can wait till they are ready and just poof! be pg, no problemo. Sorry prayer buddy, you've got a lot of work ahead of you!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I love the winter time. Not so much the cold, but the snow and the grey skies. I mean the cold is almost unbareable at times, but if your inside its awesome! It's been a really long time since I've had a "real" winter. Christmas time just isn't the same with out it. We got our first snow over the weekend, and E and I had such a fun time. We built a snowman and went sled riding in the back yard. Poor E has never built a real snowman. When we were in Vegas, we had a freak snow storm one year, and E made the funkiest snowman I have ever seen, we also didn't have enough snow.. lol. But it was great to share this with E, to be there for a new experience with him. Here is our snowman.

The Christmas time brings a funk to my thoughts along with all the magic of the season. Being IF brings thoughts that are I think a little unhealthy. Every year, as Christmas comes closer and my cycle comes to its end, I keep hoping that this Christmas will be IT!!! I daydream about surprising E on Christmas morning with a BFP and how exciting and amazing it will be. I can't help it, but these thoughts come every year. Then right before Christmas Aunt Flow comes along and ruins everything. She's on her way, and for the first time, I'm not sure when. My cycles have been getting shorter, and if its the same as last time, today should be it. It's a little annoying, because I have always been regular, I know exactly what day AF will come. But for the past 6 months or so, it's been off a little. My cylces have been shorter, then normal (for me) then shorter again. Ugh!!

Anyway, besides the funk, I'm happy to be home for Christmas time. It's cold and snowy and yucky outside. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? ;) I have a possible job opening up for me, so please pray that I get it. And to my prayer buddy, since I can't write to you to tell you this, I will be praying for you tonight at Mass and during Adoration. Have a wonderful day everyone! :)