Monday, May 9, 2011

A Big Fat Negative!!

Where do I even start? .. Today is CD5. I'm doing fine today, but who knows how long it will last?

Last week, I was at CD 31 and I havn't gone this long in my cycle since a year or so ago. I was convinced that I was about to get a positive test. I had zero symptoms of AF showing up, and Dr M had called me and said my hormones were right where they needed to be and that I should be testing at P+12. Well, I was at P+ 16 when he called, so I decided to wait one more day to test. Just to be sure. So there I was at P+ 17 still no sign of AF. I sucked it up and I took the test..... Nothing. No + sign showed up. I read threw the directions again and it said you could wait up to 10 min. But results should show in 2. After 2 min I waited and waited. 10 min passed and no positive result.

I can't remember the last time I cried so much. I couldn't stop sobbing. I couldn't understand why I didn't get a positive test. My hormones are right where they need to be, we are doing everything we can.. waiting for my fertile CM to show up, taking vitamins, excersizing, eating right, praying every day for a miracle. And I had no cramps, no bloating, no cravings, nothing to show that AF was going to come. Then the Crighton lady S called me and asked how things were going. I told her about the test and she said that if I went to P+20 to test again. Then she asked me if I felt pregnant... What? Seriously? How the heck would I know if I felt pregnant? All the symptoms that I hear of pregnant women sound like my AF symptoms! Then she said that P+ 20 would fall on Mothers Day and maybe it would be a wonderful day for me this year... OMG, some people should just keep their mouths shut..
Anywhay, After I get off the phone with her I didn't feel any better, so I did what any destraught woman does, and I grabbed some chocolate, and put on a sad movie to take my mind off my own problems. 'Becoming Jane' is my go to movie for feeling sad. It's truly a heartbreaker movie.

E came home and I told him about what happened, and he said that he thought that this was it, and that S was right that I just tested too early.

The next morning, I woke up to AF, cramps and the whole shebang! I stayed in bed the entire day. Luckily I was not working that day, because I don't think I could have handled it.
I finally decided to call and schedual my HSG test. But I needed to know what the cost would be first. $850.00 up front before the procedure, if my insurance doesn't cover it. So I called my insurance co. and they will cover 80% AFTER I meet my deductible of $3,000.00! So I asked where we were? We are only at $300.00!

This is where I lost it again. I felt so hopeless and so lost. Why do I have to go threw all this crap and spend all this time, money and energy to get pregnant? And you all know the thoughts that race threw your mind when this happens, all the why me's and why those other women can get preggo so easily, and some abort their children and they can get preggo, and here I am wanting a child and I can't have one! Then I am also faced with the feelings of not being good enough. Why can E have a child with someone else, someone he doesn't even like? and here I am his wife and I can't give him a child. I think that is the worst feeling of them all. I think it is hatred and jealousy all wrapped up in one horrible thought. It's not fair, and it's not ok. I hate that I feel that way. And I hate that it's true. But I can't dwell on those feelings anymore. That is the reason I havn't been able to get on here.I couldn't write out those feelings, and I couldn't read anyone els's. It was too much for me.

When E got home that night, we tried to figure out what we can do. I need the HSG test b/c it's almost pointless to get my hormones on track if my tubes are blocked. But maybe it's just my hormones and I just need a little time to get pregnant. We can't afford the test now. There is no way we can do it now. The hormones I'm taking are expensive, and so are the blood tests. Do I quit taking the hormones untill we can afford to do the test, or do we just do the hormones and see what happens? Either way it will suck. I have a week or so to decide before I need to refill my prescription. Please pray that we make the right decision.

The only thing I found out today is that the place where I have been getting my bloodwork done is no longer in our network, so I found a new place that is, and hopefully will be a little cheaper for that.

Other than that, Mothers Day was interesting. We had Gabe this weekend, and he and E made me breakfast and cleaned the house. That was nice. I thank God that he was here this year, I needed that.

At Mass there was a couple in front of us, and as Father Tom prayed for all mothers (and he added a special intention for those struggling with IF) the woman was just crying her eyes out. I don't know for sure that she is struggling with IF, but it made me more determined to get this support group started. It's slow going, as Father Tom was busy with Easter and First Communions, but now it is time. I need this and other women need this. I prayed for all of you yesterday and I hope that everyone someday will get what they ask for!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Prayer Buddy Reveal!

I've been having a hard time getting on the computer, b/c my wonderful husband broke ours!! I have no idea what is wrong, but it doesn't work at all, so I am at my sisters using her's. Hopefully we will have a new one soon..

So this Lent I was blessed to pray for a wonderful woman, who's blog I had never read. M from A Maiden's Tale. I prayed a novena to St. Joseph for her. He has been there for me so much, I know he will be there to help M also. :) I will continue to pray for her and follow her blog.



Ever blessed and glorious Joseph, kind and loving father, and helpful friend of all in sorrow! You are the good father and protector of orphans, the defender of the defenseless, the patron of those in need and sorrow. Look kindly on my request. My sins have drawn down on me the just displeasure of my God, and so I am surround-
ed with unhappiness. To you, loving guardian of the Family of Nazareth, do I go for help and
protection.

Listen, then, I beg you, with fatherly concern, to my earnest prayers, and obtain for me the favors I ask.

I ask it by the infinite mercy of the eternal Son of God, which moved Him to take our nature and to be born into this world of sorrow.

I ask it by the weariness and suffering you endured when you found no shelter at the inn of Bethlehem for the holy Virgin, nor a house where the Son of God could be born. Then, being everywhere refused, you had to allow the Queen of Heaven to give birth to the world's Redeemer in a cave.

I ask it by the loveliness and power of that sacred Name, Jesus, which you conferred on the adorable Infant.

I ask it by that painful torture you felt at the prophecy of holy Simeon, which declared the Child Jesus and His holy Mother future victims of our sins and of their great love for us.

I ask it through your sorrow and pain of soul when the angel declared to you that the life of the Child Jesus was sought by His enemies. From their evil plan you had to flee with Him and His Blessed Mother to Egypt. I ask it by all the suffering, weariness, and labors of that long and dangerous journey.

I ask it by all your care to protect the Sacred Child and His Immaculate Mother during your second journey, when you were ordered to return to your own country. I ask it by your peaceful life in Nazareth where you met with so many joys and sorrows.

I ask it by your great distress when the adorable Child was lost to you and His Mother for three days. I ask it by your joy at finding Him in the Temple, and by the comfort you found at Nazareth, while living in the
company of the Child Jesus. I ask it by the wonderful submission He showed in His obedience to you.

I ask it by the perfect love and conformity you showed in accepting the Divine order to depart from this life, and from the company of Jesus and Mary. I ask it by the joy which filled your soul, when the Redeemer of the world, triumphant over death and hell, entered into the possession of His kingdom and led you into it with special honors.

I ask it through Mary's glorious Assumption, and through that endless happiness you have with her in the presence of God.

O good father! I beg you, byall your sufferings, sorrows, and joys, to hear me and obtain for me what I ask. (Here name your petitions or think of them.)

Obtain for all those who have asked my prayers everything that is useful to them in the plan of God. Finally, my dear patron and father, be with me and all who are dear to me in our last moments, that we may eternally sing the praises of JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH

" A blameless life, St. Joseph, may we lead, by your kind patronage from danger freed."

Friday, April 22, 2011

SHE SAID YES!!!!

Gabe's mom agreed to let him get the Sacraments!!! I am so excited!! Thank you all for your prayers. This is such an important part in his life, and I'm so blessed to be able to share this with him. :) :) :)

BTW this is post # 101!!!! WOOT WOOT!! :)

Have a Blessed Easter everyone! :)

Monday, April 18, 2011

God's plan part II

So, thank you all for your support! I am super excited to get this group started! :)

Let me tell you.. God works in mysterious ways! (well, maybe not so mysterious ;)
During my talk with Father Tom, he mentioned that I should get together with the youth administrater at our Church and he thinks that I would be a great addition to the youth group. Well, I have always wanted to get involved with the youth group, I've just been too nurvouse, or just put it off so many times, that I just gave up thinking about doing it. I would love to be a part of the community helping out the young kids grow in their faith. I just think it's interesting that Father just came out and said that without me mentioning it at all!

Father Tom also made a comment about how he thinks that E and I would make a great couple to talk to the engaged couples about marriage. WHAAATT!?! First of all it was my first meeting with Father, and he hasn't even met E yet! Then I rememberd that E had at one time after some church funtion in Las Vegas, said that he thought that he wanted to be a speaker and help people. E only mentioned it once, and I never really thought about doing something like that, but after Father said something, I thought that it might be a neat idea. Maybe not right now, as I'm not sure what we would say or talk about! lol. Father said that we should think about it, and he will let the new priest who is taking over know to keep us in mind.

Now, I had one other thing to talk to Father about besides the support group. That is Gabe. Gabe goes to church with us, and we pray the rosary, and have really tried to inform him of the Catholic faith. But his mother is not Catholic, and I'm not sure if they claim any particular religion just christian. I'm not sure that they even go to church very often. But Gabe has really been asking alot of questions regarding the Catholic faith. I bought these CD's of stories of the saints. They are called Holy Hero's. These are the cutest way to teach children about the lives of the siants. They are just short stories that get to the heart of what happend in each life of the saint.

We got one on Blessed Imelda Lambertini. If you havn't heard of her, you should check her out. She was a child who went into the convent at a very early age. She was too young to recieve Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and prayed every day and asked the priests if she could recieve her First Communion early. She was always told no, she had to wait till she was 13 I think the age was at that time. But one day a miricle happend and the priest said that it was God's will that Imelda recieve her first communion early. After she recieved Jesus she was left in the chapel to pray and when the other nuns came back to get her, she was smiling but unresponsive to them. She had died of happiness! I know this is a short version of the story and doesn't nearly get the awsomeness of this, but this was such an amazingly powerful story of the Blessed Sacrament!

Gabe loved that story the best. He is so amazed that Jesus is really present and is there for us. He was almost in tears when he asked why he couldn't recieve communion.
It was heartbreaking for me to have to tell him that he couldn't recieve Jesus in that way. He understood, (which just shows you how mature he is in some ways) but he was still sad. Since Gabe doesn't live with us, it's almost impossible for us to put him in some kind of Religious Ed classes.

So I went to see Father Tom about this, and he said that he will talk to Gabe the next weekend we have him, and he will get Gabe into a speed program to get him his First Pennance and First Communion before he leaves our parish!! He said that if Gabe already has learned about the sacraments and believes then it is his call if the child is ready or not. The only thing that E and I need to do is to talk to Gabes mother and make sure it is ok with her. I can't imagine denying Gabe this wonderful gift any longer. We really need your prayers that his mom agrees to this!!!

Gave is such an amazing kid. He told my sister that he wants to paint churches, and he told me that he wants to be a messenger for God like the Angel Gabriel!! How many kids say these things!? I just thnk it is so important to bring Gabe up in the true Faith. He was baptised Catholic as a baby, but that is it. ANd untill E and I got together he never even went to Church! Please keep us in your prayers tonight as we talk to his mom about this! Thank you :)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

God's plan

I am super excited as I write this post. (no not preggo so get that out of your heads silly girls! ;))

For about 2 months now I have been seriously thinking about starting an infertility support group. I have been hesitant about it because I am currently taking hormones to help me get pregnant, and I've been worried that if I get pregnant, than what would be the point of starting this group? But of course I haven't gotten pregnant, and as the months pass, I started thinking that I just have to do it. If I don't start it now, will it ever get done? How many people are out there struggling who have no idea what to do or where to go? I'm not an expert, but I think I have some knowledge that can be beneficial to other women.

One of the things I want to do is to bring the Truth of the Catholic Faith, and what She teaches about what is and isn't allowed for us to use as a means to get pregnant. There are so many Catholics who have no idea what the Church teaches or even why. I think that it's important for all Catholics to know the truth.

I also want to be a source of hope for other women. We need each other. We need to know there are others who are going threw the same emotions and frustrations. We need a shoulder and I want to be that for others. We need God in our lives and we need to call on Him during these tough times in our lives.

*******So on Sunday during Mass our priest told us that he was called to leave our parish and will be leaving at the end of June. This is horrible news. We LOVE our priest Father Tom. He is amazing. SO my first thought was that I wouldn't be able to start this IF group and I don't know how our new priest will be and how can I bring this up? Then after Mass I saw a girl A who I used to work with years and years ago. We started chatting, and for some crazy reason I told her about what I wanted to do.
She was so excited about it! She had recently been married and was having some troubles, and also her sister in law had just gone threw 2 failed I.V.F attempts. They are Catholic, but not always practicing. A's brother decided that he was mad at God about their IF and doesn't want to pray anymore. A told me that I need to tell Father Tom about this right away, and get this group started before he leaves.

I couldn't believe it! I hadn't told anyone except E that I wanted to do this before. I can only guess it was the Holy Spirit moving in me that made me talk to A about this. I've been on fire ever since!

SO today I had a meeting with Father Tom, and he is so very excited about me starting a support group! He said that both of his sisters have struggled with IF and he knows how hard it is for allot of women. He went on to tell me that it's so important to let Catholics know what the Church teaches and why. He really wants to get this started as soon as possible. We are setting up an appointment for next week to figure out all the details. :) I am so unbelievably excited right now.

There is so much more about this conversation with Father that I have to tell you, but it's really for another post.

Please pray that I can get this going, and really be there to help these other women in my area who need the support and Truth.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Cha cha cha changes!!!

That song reminds me of Shrek, lol. I love all those movies btw ;)
So some stuff has been going on in my mind lately and Ive been meaning to get on here, but I've been working hard and been busy with my family. It has taken me a while, but I have lost 6lbs!!! For me that is alot! It takes me FOREVER to lose anything, but I've been sticking it out and I've finally lost some weight.
I have this problem with giving up, b/c it is so hard for me to lose anything at all I get fed up and frusterated so I just quit. But I've pushed threw and kept working out and trying to eat as best I can, and it worked! :) I'm super excited about that! I get up every morning and work out before work, and I can't snack at work, so it's easier to not eat to much during the day.

But the main reason I have lost this weight is because I decided that I'm sick and tired of giving up and this is really important that I lose weight. I need to lose weight not only to be healthier, but it might just also help me to get pg at some point. They say just losing 5% of your body weight can up your chances of getting pg. So I'm sticking with it till I get to my goal weight!

Good news on my hormone therapy..... It's working!!!!! YAY something is going right with my body! :) Dr M called me to let me know how my blood test went and I am right where I need to be. He seemed pretty optimistic about it.

I want to be optimistic. I am trying to change my thoughts about this whole thing, but sometimes I find it really hard. There are sometimes while I'm praying that I just feel that God is telling me that I'm not going to get pg, and other times I feel that I am going to. I am just going to keep on praying and hoping. Our priest always says to be like a 5 year old when we pray... keep asking and asking for what you want, and never stop. Have faith. And that's where I am changing the most... my faith has been getting stronger and I am going to trust that whatever happens is for the best for me.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

29 And Grey!!!

Sounds like a bad reality show doesn't it?

Saturday the 19th was my 29th birthday. I am now one step closer to officially being a "real" adult! I mean when your in your 20's people always say how young you are, well, once you hit 30 you are now a full fledged adult. Your expected to have a carreer and have your life together. Your chance of concieving goes down (like we need that!) your chance of getting cancer and obesity goes up, and wrinkles and grey hair are on their way!

Now I know there are several of you who will say that being in your 30's is great and blah blah blah, but just remember how you felt before you got there. I'ts very scary.

Anyway, I had a great day on Saturday, I got to lay around and do no housework, or cooking, and I got a great foot massage! E made me breakfast and lunch, and my mom had us over for an amazing dinner. :) I cheated this month with an Oreo ice cream cake, but I'm not stressing over it!

On Sunday morning while I was fixing my hair, I found 3 grey hairs! Yes I said 3!!!! OMG, this is soooo wrong! One of the hairs is this little thing that sticks straight up and I couldn't get it to smooth down. Luckily my hair is pretty light and it kinda blends in (which is why I guess I didn't see them before) Oh the joys of getting older! :) I'm debating on wether or not I should start dying my hair, I have only dyed it once a few years back, and I like my natural hair color the best. Maybe I'll just let it go full on grey. ;)

Monday, March 14, 2011

Lent, and low Progesterone

I'll start with the second part of the title. Dr. M called me last week to let me know about my bloodwork that I had done on CD P+12 to see how the pills are working. My Estradiol is normal, but the Progesterone is still too low. He said to continue taking the same pills this next cycle and we'll see how that works, and if it's still too low, then we need to up the dosage. Arg! I knew this wouldn't be an easy fix, but it would be nice if it would just work already!

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. Everything has calmed down. I'm still not emotionally sane right now, but it's better than it has been.
I may have found a solution to our insurance problems. My part time gig offers insurance, and it's relatively cheap. The main problem being that I work part time, and the pay sucks, so even being cheap, it will take most of my paycheck. But, this is good insurance that pays 100% of everything, with only a $20.00 copay. It will pay for my HSG test.
E cant' take me off his insurance till Oct, so we are trying to figure out if it would cost us more to get this new insurance, or to just keep his.
I don't want to keep this job forever, infact I hate it. The only good thing is that I get alot of excersize. It's very exhausting.

I've lost 4lbs! I figure that this new job has alot to do with that. I need so much excersize to lose anything, and I'm not a gym rat, so it's very hard for me to lose anything. I'm still keeping track of my calories and workouts. I'm hoping to lose another 16lbs by summer.

Oh, and I got another part time job. This one is way better than the one I currently have. I am keeping both, b/c neither one pays the amount that I need. And of course the crappy one offers the insurance. But this other job is something that I can do forever and it will provide plenty of opportunity for advancement and raises. Very excited about that! :)

Lent: here we go... I have given up my FB games. Don't laugh! lol. This is very hard for me! I am addicted to Frontier.ville ! It's a sickness I tell ya! I can spend hours on that dumb thing, and waste the entire day.
I plan on also going to Stations of the Cross as often as I can. Also Adoration. I need to become more spiritually fit. I need to be more calm and have more faith in what my life will be. What does God want from me? I hope to find out this Lent.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

BFN and The Worst Weekend EVER!!

OMGoodness!!!! I seriously had the worst weekend I can remember. So I am on CD3, and that's not even the start of it.
It started Thursday night, when we realized we have no money.. I guess we got carried away with going out and taking my parents out to eat several times, and buying things for the house. I spent way to much at the grocery store. It's hard to go from being able to buy whatever you want, to having a severe budget. Even when E was on unemployment, we were doing fine. I was making good $$, and the unemployment was alot less than E was making from work, but it was more than he's making now at his new job. I'm working ( a crappy retail job that doesn't pay anything) and it's helpful, but not what I'm used to.
So, we got into a huge fight about the money situation. Then the next day we get a bill for my bloodwork. We have insurance, but it sucks! It's the worst insurance in the world!! It paid for half of my bloodwork, and I get a bill for the rest. That's over $700.00! It also only paid 30.00 for my Dr appointment, and the new patient bill was over $200.00.
That sent E over the edge..
He started saying that I don't need to be going to the Dr right now, and that we don't need to be doing anything that we can't pay for. (like the hsg test) He said maybe we are forcing something that we're not ready for yet. WHAT!!!!!?????
I lost it.
How can he say that? What am I forcing?? I need help to get pg, and if there was nothing wrong with me we'd have a bunch of kids running around already. I'm almost 30, we've been married for 6 years, NO pregnancies, nothing... and I'm forcing something?? Really?? I don't care if we can't afford the damn dr's bills, we decided to go and get me checked out and start treatments, and now he wants me to stop!
I don't want to wait any longer. I can't wait any longer. If were going to try to have kids were going to do it now, or never.

I didn't tell him any of that. I should have, but I just hid away and pretended like nothing happend. I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep. I just wanted to crawl into the biggest blackest hole I could find and not come out.

I worked all day Saturday, super hard, i was so tired when I got home. I was physically and still emotionally tired. I was cranky. I didn't talk to E about how I was feeling at all. And I should have.

Sunday was CD1. And I had to take a stupid PG Test. All for the stupid pills that I have to take, that may not even work. I knew that AF was on her way, and I knew I had to go buy a test. So I'm at the store buying Tampons and a PG Test. I bet that looked hillarious. Of course I got a BFN. I went home, peed on the damn thing, and left the bethroom. I could barely look at the test. I knew it was a N, I didn't care about it. I just felt numb.

I am so tired of this. Usually I feel this way for one or two day's and then I'm over it. But this time.. it's lasting allot longer. I'm starting to feel all the negative results of IF. I can't look at a pregnant woman anymore. I don't want to go to anymore baby showers. They never botherd me before, I couldn't understand why all the IF women got so upset about the baby showers. If it was my friend or family member, then I was happy for them. Now.. I'm just pissed off. Why me? How the hell am I the only one in my immediate family that can't have kids? How can all my friends be pg all the time, and then they all talk about what birth control they have to use b/c they can't handle anymore kids.. It's not fair. It totally sucks. I'm sick of it.
I don't care if I go broke getting these tests done. I'm going to do everything I can. And if it doesn't work..... I don't know what will happen. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Weight loss update

My status is not good! I am the worst at losing weight.. When we moved I was so busy with everything, that my workouts took a back seat to my life. So I went about 2 weeks working out maybe twice a week, and I havn't lost anything since! But the girls in my Familia class decided that we all need to lose some weight and found this free site called loseit.com . This is the best website I have found! It's great if you have other people losing with you, b/c you can see what your friends are eating, and how much they workout. You can't see their weight (thank goodness!) but it really makes you responsible for what your eating! I have a tendency to cheat, and sneak snacks. I think if no one can see me eat it, then it didn't happen.. I know, I'm like a little kid with that lol. If anyone wants to join me in losing, just let me know your email, and I can friend you! It's great also b/c you can write encouraging words to eachother, and keep eachother motivated, wich is a big issue for me, to stay motivated. I just started this week, and I'm excited to see how much I can lose.

On the IF front, not much going on.. I am 3 days into my regimine with the pills, so far no side effects or any problems. I am keeping my fingers crossed, but at the same time trying to not get too hopeful.
Did anyone see the Today show today? They had a segment on IF and said that a support group gives IF women a 50% more chance of concieving, than those women who do not have a support group. So... I believe these blogs are a support group, so we should all be getting pg at some point right? Keep the support going girls! :)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I've joined the pill popping club

Well, I've had my doctors appointment and the news is so,so. After all the blood drawing (which left me black and blue) we finally got all the results in. My Progesterone is very low, and my Estrogen levels are within the normal range, but on the low end. According to my bloodwork and charts I did ovulate, just the day after my charts show that I did. So, to help with this "hormone" problem, my doc put me on 3 medications. Starting P+3-12 I am to take Prometrium 200mg, and Estradiol 1mg. Then only after a negative pregnancy test I am to take 8 (no that is not a typo) Femera 2.5mg tablet, on day 2 of my cycle. I'm currently on day 10. Yikes! The day of the appointment I was very upset, I'm not sure why, but all I could think was that I'll be taking pills forever and taking a pg test for no reason every month. Of course my doc isn't very sensitive and he again tells me that after 6 months if I'm not pg then surgery should be my next step. He is still convinced that I have endo. Any of you endo girls out there know if there is any way to be diagnosed with it instead of having surgery? It just seems like he might be jumping the gun here, but of course I'm not a doctor, and I do have some sypmtoms...
Also, I am to get a hsg? test to make sure my tubes aren't blocked, and he wants E to take a test to check his spermies.. I think we are going to wait on that for another month or so. Our insurance is not very good, and I don't think that they cover those kind of procedures.
I'm not very into this doc of mine, but I only went to him b/c I know that he follows the Churches teachings and he uses the Crighton charts as well. If I don't get pg by the end of this "pill popping" phase, I am definatley going to find a new doctor. He just doesn't seem like he is really there for you, it's like he is all buisness. He tries to make jokes, but he is very dry and just comes accross as a little wierd. I think I might have just been spoiled b/c my last doc was wonderful! She was the one who found the pcos and everytime I left her office I just wanted to hug her and thank her for being so helpful. But we'll see what happens here.

My Familia class is going well. The last class we had was hard for me. There is so much in the book and in the Catechism that says that the love between a husband and wife brings about the fruit of a child, or some crap like that. It's not all that it says but the fact that those words are even in there, just get under my skin and makes it really hard for me at some of our meetings. The last one we had was last week and one of the girls is pg we'll call her J(she is married to my cousin B, and his sister A is the one who is running this class) We had a baby shower for J, A didn't want to have it b/c J is going crazy about her pregnancy, but we all brought gifts and had cake and snacks.. it was nice. But J is tactless. She just says the most irreverant things and her own sister in law A can't have children! A has an adoptive son, but there is no way that they can have children naturally. And J was just out of controll about her pregnancy at the meeting. Afterwards A asked me how I was able to keep it together and how am I able to keep coming to these meetings? Some of the teachings have been really hard. A said that when she was in my spot, there was no way she could have come to these meetings. Even now she said that if I weren't there, it would be way harder for her also. I don't know... I love getting together with these women (none of them are disrespectful or say things that would upset me except J) I think that some of the teachings have helped me with Gabe and E. And also my little sister L goes to the classes with me, and if I weren't going, she would't be there. And she needs to go. So I am doing this for her, and even though there are some rough times for me, I am going to be a better wife to E and mother to G. Even if I am only a part time mom, I am trying to make the most of it.

Sometimes I feel like, how in the world could E have had a baby with a woman whom he hates and wasn't even in love with, and here I am his wife and our love isn't great enough to bring a baby into this world together. I know that is crazy talk, but I can't help that it is still going threw my mind occasionally. Oh well, it isn't my decision to have a baby or not, it is God's. I just pray that this regimine that I'm now on will work.

I want to leave you with a quote that was in my Familia book, it is when the angel Gabriel is telling Mary that she will concieve a son, and she asks how can this be
" The holy Spirit will come upon you"- your motherhood will not be the consequence of matrimonial "knowledge" but will be the work of the Holy Spirit."
This just really spoke to me being a step-mother and facing the possibility of never having my own children. And also anyone who has adopted or is trying to adopt,I think this just summs it all up!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Home Pictures!

Ok, so I don't have a lot of pics b/c they were all on my old phone, and then I though I sent them all to my email, but some of them didn't get threw, and then I deleted them.. soooooo... this is all I got, but enjoy anyway! :)

The dinette area.. overlooking a new deck and the woods, to the left is the kitchen, behind is the Living room.


This is the ceiling, there are beams on the cathedral ceilings, and this is the opening to the kitchen area.


This is the first fireplace in the Living room, (before we got candles and decorations on it) We have a similar one in the basement. Both are wood burning.


this is one half of the "Ladies" seating area.. lol that is my swanky chair and awesome light that came with the house..


The other half of my "ladies" seating area, and the large windows that sold us on the house.. There are these big windows all the way into the hall in the front of the house, that is just to the left side of the photo..


This is sideways, sorry! I can't fix it.. This is the hallway going to the upstairs, and to the left is the kitchen and the downstairs.. To the right is the big windows, (this one was taken at night)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

new phone

Alright so i hope this posts.. we got new phones and a new network provider. Our other network did not get any service at our new house at all. So not only have i not had internet but no phones either! We got a garmin fone which also has internet service!! yay! its not great service and we didnt pay for the unlimited package but hey even a little bit of technology is better than none. :) i am so loving my new house... we r on a culdasac nestled in the woods. Behind us is a greenspace so that means they can never build behind us. We have lots of deer and birds and cute little forest animals! Except for the rous's! the other morning i looked out my window and saw this huge rat like creature i couldnt believe my eyes! then it turned its head and when i saw its face i knew what it was.. an opossum. Man thoes things are ugly! i havnt seen it since but im on the lookout so i can get a picture. I tried to post pics of the house yesterday but my sisters computer wasnt coopsrating. So i will just have to wait till i can get over to my moms. And with this weather who knows when that will be! seriously i am sick of the snow already. I know some of you have it way worse than i do . I think the groundhog needs to retire because there is no way we have an early spring. Anyway im finally done with the blood letting.. my arms are bruised so bad i look like a junky! i have a follow up appointment on monday and im sure my horemones are outa whack so ill probably be put on some kind of meds. But ill keep u posged.

Monday, January 31, 2011

No internet

So this is just a quick post, we have moved succesfuly and I love love love, my new house! :) Pics will soon be up! But the problem is that we do not have internet yet at the house. not sure when we will be able to get it. I am at my parents house using the computer, and there just isn't enough time and private space for me to update on everything going on right now. But I am still alive and kickin! I will be going to my sisters by the end of the week to use her computer, when I know I will have some private time. I am trying to get caught up on all the blogs, so forgive me if I havn't been able to comment lately!
I'll be back! lol

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Dr. appt. and weigh in

I'll start with the weigh in.. Another lb!! So 2 lbs in two weeks, not so bad I think :) The closing on our house is set for Wednesday (tomorrow) We already went furniture shopping and have almost everything we need except beds, and we need beds! lol But it's hard to find a bed we like, and at a good price.. So we may be sleeping on the couch for a while. ;)

That my friends is the only good news I have. I finally went to the Dr yesterday. He follows the Creighton and is a family practitioner, but has a special intrest in women with pcos and endometriosis. So I show up with my charts, and I have the initial lab results from when I was diagnosed with pcos. He checks out everything, and said that the lab results don't really show anything substantial, and doesn't describe the cysts or follicles in a way that would be helpful. ok. But I am looking at the lab results now and it says "Normal size Uterus. Endometrial strip is not thickened. Normal sized ovaries. Right ovary 3.5cm. Left ovary 3.2cm. All follicles within the ovaries, simple largest on the right appears to be approximately 12mm. " and other crap, but doesn't that say the sizes?? I don't understand that.

Then Dr M tells me that he is not convinced that I do have pcos. He says that I don't have unusual cycles, they are not extremely long, I don't ever miss any periods. He said I don't show any tell tale signs of pcos. Acne, unusual hair on my face, I'm not too overweight. That's where I stopped him, I had to tell him that I have hair on other parts that as a woman I shouldn't (tmi sorry!) I have had really bad acne as an adult that I had to take medication for, and now I can control the acne with my diet, and I suddenly gained allot of weight when I was 20. I explained my diet and excersize, and told him that I work really hard to not be too overweight. Dr. M looked a little shocked, then said that I may have some symptoms of pcos, but I also have a lot of symptoms of endo. OMG.. I do have painful periods, it does hurt during sex when I'm close to having my period, but no other time.
Dr M then tells me that I'm 28 and E and I need to make a plan on how long we plan on trying medical intervention, before we move on to other options.( Is he saying that I'm old?? ) He said that he wants to do a Hormone Testing. So I have to get my blood drawn every other day starting today untill I'm P+12. I am only on day 10. Yikes. He is checking my Progesterone, and Estradiol.

I am glad that this dr follows the Creighton Model, and that he is Catholic. I'm a little excited to find out about my hormones, but at the same time I'm freaked out. What is going on with my body? Do I have pcos? Do I have Endo? I have always thought I had pcos even before I was diagnosed. Years ago I saw an article in a magazine about pcos, and reading the symptoms I just knew that was what I had. So now do I have 2 major things wrong with me? Well I guess 3 because of my thyroid. I am getting that checked today also. But when I left the dr's office, I just wanted to cry. And I did. I had been so excited to finally get to a Dr who would treat my pcos and then something magical would happen and we would end up pregnant! I mean we just bought a house that is big enough to have a little family! I know I shouldn't of gotten excited when we bought the house, but I just couldn't help it. Both E and I said it's a perfect house for a family, with 3 bedrooms we can have 2 or 3 kids or maybe 4? I was getting my hopes up again, and getting excited. I could just feel that I was going to get pg soon! But now I feel like any hope that I had is gone. I am getting older and older, and we are just now getting started on finding out what is really wrong, and trying to treat my problems. How long am I supposed to try? How do I know when it's to late and have to give up? Ugh! Life sucks sometimes.. E said that I just have to follow my own advice that I give to him.. and that is to trust God. God has a plan for us and I have to trust that plan because it is what HE wants for us. But is it wrong that I'm not liking His plan right now?
I'm trying to trust. But it is really hard..

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Shoes.... !

By popular demand... I present to you my new Ree/bok Easytones! They look like regular shoes, so you can work out all day long, and no one even knows it! ( maybe I should get paid for endorsing this? lol)




Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Some news.. and weigh in 2

Well, I'll start with my weigh in.. I lost 1lb! whoo whoo! I'll take it! I worked my butt off, but we did go out to eat twice last week, so even though I got "healthy" options, it still wasn't as good for me as a home cooked meal. Oh well, I am very proud of myself to be able to have lost something.. I just have to keep it up! I am surprised how many of us bloggers are the same height! lol I am also a shortie, 5ft 2 n 1/2 . Everything shows on me! I am not following the biggest lo.ser exactly. I am just using their weekly weigh in's to give myself a goal. And I get inspiration every time I watch it. I am doing my own workout routine. I have a yoga body burn dvd that I love to do, and I also have been clipping out the workout cards from magazines, and creating my own regimen. I make sure to work out for 30-40 min everyday. I know you hear that all you need is 30 min a day and u can lose weight! Not true for me!! I have to work out 40 min at least 3 days a week to make sure that I lose something! 30 min just keeps me at the same weight. I blame the pcos! My diet is getting better. I always have to work on that. I am a healthy eater, I just eat to much. Although, and I think I have said this before, that going gluten free has really helped my cravings, and has made it easier to eat less and better! I havn't had any cravings for chocolate or sweets, and the only thing I have craved is a subway sandwich. I just love the banana peppers on a sandwich! I have yet to find any gf bread that I like. I probably have to bake my own, because I have a mix that I have used for pizza dough and it was really good. But that's all I'm doing, I know it's not normal, or healthy to be losing that much weight as they do on the show in a week! really, 40lbs in one week is insane! Also, most of that is probably water weight anyway.
Now, on to my new shoes, I love love love them! I tell ya they really work! They are not the most comfortable shoes in the world, you can feel the balls on the bottom of your feet, but my legs are killing me! And it's not just the workouts. I wear them all day long and at the end of the day my legs and butt feel like I have done a killer workout, even if I only did a upper body workout. E says he can already see my legs toning up. I think these shoes are the best invention ever!! Really, you should all invest in them, wear them everywhere, and your legs will be awesome. I may still have my chubby belly, but my a$$ will look great! lol

So that was that. Sunday was CD1 ugh! I knew it was coming. I always do. But there is something different with my cycle, or maybe I am just now noticing it with the Creighton, but my past 2 cycles were exactly the same! I "ovulated" the same time as last cycle, I started my period on the same day, my cm was the same length. But yet I am not pg. WTH!! Well, I am calling the new doc tomorrow to make an appt. I hope I can get in soon. The weather is pretty bad, we just got snow dumped on us, about 4 inches, and we are going to get more throughout the week and weekend. I only have a front wheel drive car.. Well.. you didn't need anything else living in the dessert!! lol. My car is so not a mid-west vehicle. It slipps in the rain! We will have to trade it in at some point..

Are you ready for this!? I have some very exciting news... E and I are moving out of my parents house!!! woot woot! My grandma bought us a house. It is the cutest, most charming little house! I had seen it online, ( I just love looking online at houses, I can't help it!) It was so cute and really cheap. I showed my mom, and she said to call to find out what was wrong with it. So I did, and there was nothing wrong! In fact the previous owner had the entire house remodeled. It was owned by this older woman who had lived there since the house was built in the 70's. She had moved out a year ago to a condo nearby b/c she couldn't walk up and down the stairs anymore. So the house had never been updated, and when she put it up for sale, she didn't get any bites. Then she remodeled the entire house, and re-listed it, but it was priced to high. And with the market being as it is.. well, no one put in any offers. The owner just needed to get rid of the house, as she was still paying the property taxes on it. So last week as I was browsing threw the internet I came accross this house, that I had seen before, but at a higher price. There was a new listing agent and a new price. i couldn't believe it! So my mom, sister, and I went to go look at the house and just fell in love. It is is the cutest neighborhood. My sister actually lives 2 streets away, and it has it's own police force, a pool and a lake with a beach, it's own bar and grille, soccer fields, tennis courts, walking trails... We could only hope to find a house in this area! My mom said she might be able to sign for us, but to have my husband and step dad look at it. Well, I brought E that same night that we looked at the house, and he loved it. My step dad was weary about signing for us, they already helped out one of my other sisters. So on Sunday my mom said to bring Grandma to see the house and maybe she could help also. Well, my Grandma and step dad loved the house also, and Grandma said I'll buy it for you! OMG!! We have to pay her back, so instead of paying a mortgage we will pay grandma a monthly fee. And in a few years when we are able to get a loan ( stupid short sale! ) we will buy the house back from her. I have the bestest Grandma! So today we have the inspection, and we are supposed to close on the 20th. It's a 3 bed 2 bath house, sits on 1/2 acre of woods! Perfect for Gabe. It has a finished basement and a laundry room! Hey the little things are important! Our last house was twice as much as this with 2 beds and 1 bath, no basement, and less land. Our laundry room was in the garage! So Thanks to all of you who have been praying for us, (prayer buddy! ;) and to St. Joseph who is always looking out for us. :)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The first weigh in...

So the Bigg.est lo.ser started last night, and wow, I think this will be a good season. I think I need to put it out there my weight weekly to keep myself accountable for my actions, and my food intake.
The first weigh in yesterday I was at 148.0 lbs. Kinda upsetting that I weigh so much, but I am ready to get it gone!!!

Good news ( not weight related) we got our dental insurance cards, so that means that we should be getting our other insurance cards soon! YAY! now I can get myself to the doc, get my thyroid checked again.. My last doc gave me a very long prescription to tide me over till I was able to get a doc out here, and I really shouldn't be going this long without it being checked. And now I can also get my hormones and other stuff checked for my IF. Whoo whoo! :)

Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year Resolutions

Happy New Year everyone!! I hope you all had a good New Years eve. We went to one of my sisters houses and played cards while all the kids played in the basement and had their own card games going on. Not super exciting, but fun enough and it was nice to just be able to hang out and relax!
So I have a hard time every year to figure out what my resolutions for the new year should be. Last year was the first year I really made one, I tried to spend more time with friends.. and I did better than I used to but it was kindof a half a$$ed resolution.. lol.
So this year I have a plan, and I have things that I really want to accomplish this year. So here they are:

1. (everyone will have this I'm sure ;) ) Lose weight. my goal is at least 10lbs. The new season of the Big.gest loser starts this week and I thought what better time than to start working out again and trying to get healthier. I want to see how much I can lose with the show each week.

2. Find a job and move out of my parents house!! This is a big one, I really need to get us out of here in the next few months, I love my family, but they are driving me nuts!

3. Continue to spend time with my family and friends. I love visiting my sisters and their kids ( I am the favorite Aunt by the way )and the past few months I have gotten together with friends from Highschool, and another girl I have known since we were in kindergarten, and it has been great. At least once a month getting together with friends is a good goal I think.

4. Go to confession more often, and pray the rosary weekly. For some reason getting to confession always seems like such a chore, but I know that I need to go and it will really help my spiritual life. Our country, and the world, needs lots of prayers and the rosary is such a powerful prayer to pray for the world peace.

5. And the last one.. To get to the dr's and get my thyroid fixed, and get my pcos treated, and if a pregnancy happens because of that, all the better!

I think that is enough goals to last me all year, anymore and I'll never stick to any of them! So now I'm off to workout using my new Reebok Re-tones! Love them! At least my legs will look good by the end of the year ;)