Tuesday, March 8, 2011

BFN and The Worst Weekend EVER!!

OMGoodness!!!! I seriously had the worst weekend I can remember. So I am on CD3, and that's not even the start of it.
It started Thursday night, when we realized we have no money.. I guess we got carried away with going out and taking my parents out to eat several times, and buying things for the house. I spent way to much at the grocery store. It's hard to go from being able to buy whatever you want, to having a severe budget. Even when E was on unemployment, we were doing fine. I was making good $$, and the unemployment was alot less than E was making from work, but it was more than he's making now at his new job. I'm working ( a crappy retail job that doesn't pay anything) and it's helpful, but not what I'm used to.
So, we got into a huge fight about the money situation. Then the next day we get a bill for my bloodwork. We have insurance, but it sucks! It's the worst insurance in the world!! It paid for half of my bloodwork, and I get a bill for the rest. That's over $700.00! It also only paid 30.00 for my Dr appointment, and the new patient bill was over $200.00.
That sent E over the edge..
He started saying that I don't need to be going to the Dr right now, and that we don't need to be doing anything that we can't pay for. (like the hsg test) He said maybe we are forcing something that we're not ready for yet. WHAT!!!!!?????
I lost it.
How can he say that? What am I forcing?? I need help to get pg, and if there was nothing wrong with me we'd have a bunch of kids running around already. I'm almost 30, we've been married for 6 years, NO pregnancies, nothing... and I'm forcing something?? Really?? I don't care if we can't afford the damn dr's bills, we decided to go and get me checked out and start treatments, and now he wants me to stop!
I don't want to wait any longer. I can't wait any longer. If were going to try to have kids were going to do it now, or never.

I didn't tell him any of that. I should have, but I just hid away and pretended like nothing happend. I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep. I just wanted to crawl into the biggest blackest hole I could find and not come out.

I worked all day Saturday, super hard, i was so tired when I got home. I was physically and still emotionally tired. I was cranky. I didn't talk to E about how I was feeling at all. And I should have.

Sunday was CD1. And I had to take a stupid PG Test. All for the stupid pills that I have to take, that may not even work. I knew that AF was on her way, and I knew I had to go buy a test. So I'm at the store buying Tampons and a PG Test. I bet that looked hillarious. Of course I got a BFN. I went home, peed on the damn thing, and left the bethroom. I could barely look at the test. I knew it was a N, I didn't care about it. I just felt numb.

I am so tired of this. Usually I feel this way for one or two day's and then I'm over it. But this time.. it's lasting allot longer. I'm starting to feel all the negative results of IF. I can't look at a pregnant woman anymore. I don't want to go to anymore baby showers. They never botherd me before, I couldn't understand why all the IF women got so upset about the baby showers. If it was my friend or family member, then I was happy for them. Now.. I'm just pissed off. Why me? How the hell am I the only one in my immediate family that can't have kids? How can all my friends be pg all the time, and then they all talk about what birth control they have to use b/c they can't handle anymore kids.. It's not fair. It totally sucks. I'm sick of it.
I don't care if I go broke getting these tests done. I'm going to do everything I can. And if it doesn't work..... I don't know what will happen. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

11 comments:

JellyBelly said...

Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry! I hate fighting about money with my dh too! We got a financial planner and it's helped so much. Now he's the bad guy and not me!

I wish I could give you advice about IF bitterness since I'm right there with you. I just try to pray through it.

Hugs my friend!!!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I'm so sorry for your bad weekend, money problems are tough. Stupid insurance companies!! We are in the same boat with money b/c they are not paying for my surgeries.

I wish I could make the pain and struggles go away...I know the feeling. Most days I feel like I will go postal if I get one more pregnancy announcement!! I had two yesterday alone.

I will pray for a GREAT day for you today! You deserve it.

WheelbarrowRider said...

I am really sorry to hear this! If he is like my dh, he is just panicking and giving him some time and some say in everything will really help the situation. If you decided to do tx together, he will probably still want you to, I bet he just got scared re the money. Hang in there. I hope you don't have to wait too long for him to come around.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

I am so sorry, hon... I wish I could jump through the screen and give you a big hug. I will pray for you and dh!

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

I am so sorry. It really sucks!! Insurance companies, people discussing contraception all the time, money issues. I wish we lived nearby so I could take you out for a nice coffee and talk about other things other than IF!

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

Awe I'm so sad with you. I felt as if I was reading my own post down towards the bottom. I, too, was never bothered by pregnant people or showers and now the thought makes me want to vomit. UGH. I hate feeling that way but it's so hard. Of course I'm happy for the people but it just makes my IF even more in my face. I wish we lived close b.c I have a feeling we would get along great and be a great support network for each other. Hugs friend:) By the way, are you on FB??? Email me your name if you are...we need to be friends!

Nicole C said...

Uuugghhh!! I hate not being on the same page as hubby. Been there. So sorry to hear about it. It can only get better, right?!?

expatbarrenness said...

The shopping the trip and the argument with dh truly sound difficult. I am sorry you have to deal with so much right now. Thinking of you - xhedwig

St. Rita's Roses said...

As all the ladies have already said..IF stinks! And it especially feel isolating when you are not on the same page as DH- it makes you feel alone! I understand the money issue- I have my ins. company on speed dial..asking "do you cover XYZ". Funny how they pay 100% for birth control pills but not for femara b/c its "off label" for fertility- whatev!! I am sorry about you BFN! Aww.....hugs!!!!

Katie @ Persevere in Prayer said...

So sorry about the horrible weekend :( Feel free to excuse yourself from baby showers--it's not selfish, it's self-preservation. Do what you need to help yourself. I also felt that same way about doing all the testing and medications--I wanted to know what's wrong with me. Hugs and prayers!

Stacy said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm sending lots and lots of cyber hugs and saying tons of prayers it all works out the way you want it to.