Monday, May 9, 2011

A Big Fat Negative!!

Where do I even start? .. Today is CD5. I'm doing fine today, but who knows how long it will last?

Last week, I was at CD 31 and I havn't gone this long in my cycle since a year or so ago. I was convinced that I was about to get a positive test. I had zero symptoms of AF showing up, and Dr M had called me and said my hormones were right where they needed to be and that I should be testing at P+12. Well, I was at P+ 16 when he called, so I decided to wait one more day to test. Just to be sure. So there I was at P+ 17 still no sign of AF. I sucked it up and I took the test..... Nothing. No + sign showed up. I read threw the directions again and it said you could wait up to 10 min. But results should show in 2. After 2 min I waited and waited. 10 min passed and no positive result.

I can't remember the last time I cried so much. I couldn't stop sobbing. I couldn't understand why I didn't get a positive test. My hormones are right where they need to be, we are doing everything we can.. waiting for my fertile CM to show up, taking vitamins, excersizing, eating right, praying every day for a miracle. And I had no cramps, no bloating, no cravings, nothing to show that AF was going to come. Then the Crighton lady S called me and asked how things were going. I told her about the test and she said that if I went to P+20 to test again. Then she asked me if I felt pregnant... What? Seriously? How the heck would I know if I felt pregnant? All the symptoms that I hear of pregnant women sound like my AF symptoms! Then she said that P+ 20 would fall on Mothers Day and maybe it would be a wonderful day for me this year... OMG, some people should just keep their mouths shut..
Anywhay, After I get off the phone with her I didn't feel any better, so I did what any destraught woman does, and I grabbed some chocolate, and put on a sad movie to take my mind off my own problems. 'Becoming Jane' is my go to movie for feeling sad. It's truly a heartbreaker movie.

E came home and I told him about what happened, and he said that he thought that this was it, and that S was right that I just tested too early.

The next morning, I woke up to AF, cramps and the whole shebang! I stayed in bed the entire day. Luckily I was not working that day, because I don't think I could have handled it.
I finally decided to call and schedual my HSG test. But I needed to know what the cost would be first. $850.00 up front before the procedure, if my insurance doesn't cover it. So I called my insurance co. and they will cover 80% AFTER I meet my deductible of $3,000.00! So I asked where we were? We are only at $300.00!

This is where I lost it again. I felt so hopeless and so lost. Why do I have to go threw all this crap and spend all this time, money and energy to get pregnant? And you all know the thoughts that race threw your mind when this happens, all the why me's and why those other women can get preggo so easily, and some abort their children and they can get preggo, and here I am wanting a child and I can't have one! Then I am also faced with the feelings of not being good enough. Why can E have a child with someone else, someone he doesn't even like? and here I am his wife and I can't give him a child. I think that is the worst feeling of them all. I think it is hatred and jealousy all wrapped up in one horrible thought. It's not fair, and it's not ok. I hate that I feel that way. And I hate that it's true. But I can't dwell on those feelings anymore. That is the reason I havn't been able to get on here.I couldn't write out those feelings, and I couldn't read anyone els's. It was too much for me.

When E got home that night, we tried to figure out what we can do. I need the HSG test b/c it's almost pointless to get my hormones on track if my tubes are blocked. But maybe it's just my hormones and I just need a little time to get pregnant. We can't afford the test now. There is no way we can do it now. The hormones I'm taking are expensive, and so are the blood tests. Do I quit taking the hormones untill we can afford to do the test, or do we just do the hormones and see what happens? Either way it will suck. I have a week or so to decide before I need to refill my prescription. Please pray that we make the right decision.

The only thing I found out today is that the place where I have been getting my bloodwork done is no longer in our network, so I found a new place that is, and hopefully will be a little cheaper for that.

Other than that, Mothers Day was interesting. We had Gabe this weekend, and he and E made me breakfast and cleaned the house. That was nice. I thank God that he was here this year, I needed that.

At Mass there was a couple in front of us, and as Father Tom prayed for all mothers (and he added a special intention for those struggling with IF) the woman was just crying her eyes out. I don't know for sure that she is struggling with IF, but it made me more determined to get this support group started. It's slow going, as Father Tom was busy with Easter and First Communions, but now it is time. I need this and other women need this. I prayed for all of you yesterday and I hope that everyone someday will get what they ask for!