Wednesday, March 23, 2011

29 And Grey!!!

Sounds like a bad reality show doesn't it?

Saturday the 19th was my 29th birthday. I am now one step closer to officially being a "real" adult! I mean when your in your 20's people always say how young you are, well, once you hit 30 you are now a full fledged adult. Your expected to have a carreer and have your life together. Your chance of concieving goes down (like we need that!) your chance of getting cancer and obesity goes up, and wrinkles and grey hair are on their way!

Now I know there are several of you who will say that being in your 30's is great and blah blah blah, but just remember how you felt before you got there. I'ts very scary.

Anyway, I had a great day on Saturday, I got to lay around and do no housework, or cooking, and I got a great foot massage! E made me breakfast and lunch, and my mom had us over for an amazing dinner. :) I cheated this month with an Oreo ice cream cake, but I'm not stressing over it!

On Sunday morning while I was fixing my hair, I found 3 grey hairs! Yes I said 3!!!! OMG, this is soooo wrong! One of the hairs is this little thing that sticks straight up and I couldn't get it to smooth down. Luckily my hair is pretty light and it kinda blends in (which is why I guess I didn't see them before) Oh the joys of getting older! :) I'm debating on wether or not I should start dying my hair, I have only dyed it once a few years back, and I like my natural hair color the best. Maybe I'll just let it go full on grey. ;)

Monday, March 14, 2011

Lent, and low Progesterone

I'll start with the second part of the title. Dr. M called me last week to let me know about my bloodwork that I had done on CD P+12 to see how the pills are working. My Estradiol is normal, but the Progesterone is still too low. He said to continue taking the same pills this next cycle and we'll see how that works, and if it's still too low, then we need to up the dosage. Arg! I knew this wouldn't be an easy fix, but it would be nice if it would just work already!

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. Everything has calmed down. I'm still not emotionally sane right now, but it's better than it has been.
I may have found a solution to our insurance problems. My part time gig offers insurance, and it's relatively cheap. The main problem being that I work part time, and the pay sucks, so even being cheap, it will take most of my paycheck. But, this is good insurance that pays 100% of everything, with only a $20.00 copay. It will pay for my HSG test.
E cant' take me off his insurance till Oct, so we are trying to figure out if it would cost us more to get this new insurance, or to just keep his.
I don't want to keep this job forever, infact I hate it. The only good thing is that I get alot of excersize. It's very exhausting.

I've lost 4lbs! I figure that this new job has alot to do with that. I need so much excersize to lose anything, and I'm not a gym rat, so it's very hard for me to lose anything. I'm still keeping track of my calories and workouts. I'm hoping to lose another 16lbs by summer.

Oh, and I got another part time job. This one is way better than the one I currently have. I am keeping both, b/c neither one pays the amount that I need. And of course the crappy one offers the insurance. But this other job is something that I can do forever and it will provide plenty of opportunity for advancement and raises. Very excited about that! :)

Lent: here we go... I have given up my FB games. Don't laugh! lol. This is very hard for me! I am addicted to Frontier.ville ! It's a sickness I tell ya! I can spend hours on that dumb thing, and waste the entire day.
I plan on also going to Stations of the Cross as often as I can. Also Adoration. I need to become more spiritually fit. I need to be more calm and have more faith in what my life will be. What does God want from me? I hope to find out this Lent.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

BFN and The Worst Weekend EVER!!

OMGoodness!!!! I seriously had the worst weekend I can remember. So I am on CD3, and that's not even the start of it.
It started Thursday night, when we realized we have no money.. I guess we got carried away with going out and taking my parents out to eat several times, and buying things for the house. I spent way to much at the grocery store. It's hard to go from being able to buy whatever you want, to having a severe budget. Even when E was on unemployment, we were doing fine. I was making good $$, and the unemployment was alot less than E was making from work, but it was more than he's making now at his new job. I'm working ( a crappy retail job that doesn't pay anything) and it's helpful, but not what I'm used to.
So, we got into a huge fight about the money situation. Then the next day we get a bill for my bloodwork. We have insurance, but it sucks! It's the worst insurance in the world!! It paid for half of my bloodwork, and I get a bill for the rest. That's over $700.00! It also only paid 30.00 for my Dr appointment, and the new patient bill was over $200.00.
That sent E over the edge..
He started saying that I don't need to be going to the Dr right now, and that we don't need to be doing anything that we can't pay for. (like the hsg test) He said maybe we are forcing something that we're not ready for yet. WHAT!!!!!?????
I lost it.
How can he say that? What am I forcing?? I need help to get pg, and if there was nothing wrong with me we'd have a bunch of kids running around already. I'm almost 30, we've been married for 6 years, NO pregnancies, nothing... and I'm forcing something?? Really?? I don't care if we can't afford the damn dr's bills, we decided to go and get me checked out and start treatments, and now he wants me to stop!
I don't want to wait any longer. I can't wait any longer. If were going to try to have kids were going to do it now, or never.

I didn't tell him any of that. I should have, but I just hid away and pretended like nothing happend. I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep. I just wanted to crawl into the biggest blackest hole I could find and not come out.

I worked all day Saturday, super hard, i was so tired when I got home. I was physically and still emotionally tired. I was cranky. I didn't talk to E about how I was feeling at all. And I should have.

Sunday was CD1. And I had to take a stupid PG Test. All for the stupid pills that I have to take, that may not even work. I knew that AF was on her way, and I knew I had to go buy a test. So I'm at the store buying Tampons and a PG Test. I bet that looked hillarious. Of course I got a BFN. I went home, peed on the damn thing, and left the bethroom. I could barely look at the test. I knew it was a N, I didn't care about it. I just felt numb.

I am so tired of this. Usually I feel this way for one or two day's and then I'm over it. But this time.. it's lasting allot longer. I'm starting to feel all the negative results of IF. I can't look at a pregnant woman anymore. I don't want to go to anymore baby showers. They never botherd me before, I couldn't understand why all the IF women got so upset about the baby showers. If it was my friend or family member, then I was happy for them. Now.. I'm just pissed off. Why me? How the hell am I the only one in my immediate family that can't have kids? How can all my friends be pg all the time, and then they all talk about what birth control they have to use b/c they can't handle anymore kids.. It's not fair. It totally sucks. I'm sick of it.
I don't care if I go broke getting these tests done. I'm going to do everything I can. And if it doesn't work..... I don't know what will happen. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.