HOPE AND FAITH

Reading & Eating

2012-02-03T06:36:00.000-08:00

This week has been pretty busy, I've got lots of updates, but they will have to wait...
Just wanted to share a great book for any expecting mother.

Also my favorite snack right now is: Greek yogurt with berries! YUM!!

Dr update

2012-01-25T14:13:00.000-08:00

Well, the Dr's went ok. Not much going on. The new Dr G. asked me a ton of questions and checked me out, and decided to run a whole new batch of blood tests on me. Awesome. So 4 vials of blood later, I'm still waiting to hear back the results. She is checking all the thyroid hormones, and my vit D and some other things, that I'm not sure of. One thing that I did find out was that I have carpel tunnel. How great is that? I work with money and computers and my hands keep cramping up so bad I feel like crying sometimes. At night my hands go numb, and that sucks. But apparently this will go away after the baby is born.
And speaking of baby, she should be fine! There is nothing for me to worry about with her, even though my numbers are low right now. Dr G said that the only reason to worry is if she wasn't moving around a lot, and wasn't growing properly, or if my blood pressure was high and I was having other complications. So that was a relief!! I was pretty worried about the thyroid effecting the growth of my baby, but so far so good. :)

Oh btw did anyone else catch the March for Life on EWTN? I was so mad that I couldn't go this year, I really wanted E to have that experience. But The coverage was great. :)

My thyroid hates me...

2012-01-19T07:13:00.000-08:00

I hate my thyroid, and my thyroid hates me! I had finally gotten the whole thyroid thingy under control right before I got pregnant. My numbers were great, I was just taking the Levothyroxin 75mcg. After a few months my OB checked my numbers and it was a little low, but nothing to be concerned about. It's normal for your thyroid to change when your pregnant, so no concerns. He changed my medication to 100mcg. Well, we had it checked again and now my numbers are very very low, to the point where my OB is concerned enough to send me to a specialist.
I was seeing a specialist in NV, but since we moved I was just seeing my regular Dr M. He's an idiot, so I didn't want to stay with him. My OB isn't concerned about the baby, but he doesn't know why my numbers are so low. My T4 is fine, but my T3 is low. He's just an OB so I'm not sure what this means and how much I should be worried. He told me to continue on the medication I'm on now and see what the specialist says.
I can't get in to see the specialist until Tuesday! I really don't want to wait that long. I've been doing a lot of reading on the subject of my thyroid and pregnancy, and it seems that everything should be ok for the baby. After 10 weeks the baby starts making her own thyroid hormones, but still relies on mine. It's normal for your thyroid to change, and from what I've read if you are supplementing your thyroid then even if it's not right on track the baby won't suffer. It's only a problem if you have an undiagnosed thyroid problem.
But still, I'm worried. Like I need anymore to worry about! ARGH!!! So, any prayers would be great that everything works out, and the baby is fine.

Pictures!

2012-01-15T15:31:00.000-08:00

This is me in the hospital, the day we found out I was pregnant!

This is Thanksgiving, starting to show the chub! lol

And this is me today almost 27 weeks~ !

Part II

2012-01-14T06:14:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm not really good with titles! sorry :) (Warning ahead.. Happy moment)
So, after I spoke to S, the Creighton lady, I just couldn't wait to hear back from Dr M. I knew something was wrong, my body just wasn't working right! I didn't want to wait, so I went to the store and bought a test. My very first test. I was scared, and E was at work, so I was alone. I thought it best that I was, so if it came back negative E wouldn't have to know.
So I brought the test home, I pos, and after a few minutes 2 very very faint lines showed up. I wasn't sure what to feel, I could see 2 lines, but they weren't very bright, so I was afraid that I just was wishing them into existence. I studied that test for 5 min before I sent a picture of the test to my sister and asked what she thought. She of course freaked out and was so excited, but I was still very skeptical. She said that if I wanted to I could wait till the next morning to re-test b/c that is supposed to be the best time to take the test.
By this time, I am feeling so frustrated and scared and nurvouse! I didn't know what to do. I said F it! I'm going to re-test now! And sure enought the next test came back with 2 lines, still not super bright, but there was no mistaking it!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally, finally, finally! I couldn't believe it! I was so happy, I sent the picture of the test to E right away! :) I had always had a plan in my mind how I would tell him, you know, a romatic dinner or something like that.. lol but I just couldn't keep it in! Never did I think that this could be possible. I was so positive that I would never ever have the chance to get pg, that I was still in shock.
I knew that I needed to call Dr M right away. He always said the moment I find out I'm pg I need to call him. So I did. Do you know what the first thing he said to me was?? "so, what your telling me, is that the period you had wasn't a true period?" Seriously?? what's up with this guy?
I said that well... since I came up with a positive test, I'm assuming that it wasn't a true period, b/c there is no way I'd get a positive test after 2 weeks! duh! Well Dr M wasn't super happy, he was concerned about the bleeding that I was having and that it was so much for so long. Then when I told him about the pain that I kept having, almost like period pains, but not quite, he started freaking out! He said that he was positive that I was having an ectopic pregnancy and that I needed to get to the ER imediatley! He told me that he almost had a patient die b/c they didn't get checked out soon enough. OMG!!!! What the heck was this guy talking about!? So my happy moment imediatley was gone, and I started sobbing. Why would this happen?
How could I go from being pregnant one moment and not knowing if it was real or going to last the next?
E was at work, I didn't think that I could get myself to the hospital at this point,b/c I was so worked up. I called my mom on her cell and I could hardly get out what was going on. She said to wait and she would be over to pick me up as soon as possible! I later found out that she was 30 min away at a store and she left her cart in the isle and sped the whole way to get me! (I love my mom) I sent a text to E telling him that I called Dr M and had to go to the hospital and my mom was taking me.
E called me right away and told me to wait, b/c he had left work early to come home to celebrate with me and was almost home.
I couldn't stop crying. Why was this happening to me? The one time I decide to finally test, and this happens.
So we get to the hospital, and the receptionist? nurse, was not very nice. I told her what was going on, that my Dr sent me there, and I needed an ultrasound right away. Well... heaven forbid someone comes in at 3:30 in the afternoon! The ultrasound tech's go home at 4 and she wasn't sure if they could get me in, but if it's an emergency maybe they could. Then she goes and checks that dumb chart telling me when my due date was!!! Wow, could you get anymore insensitive? I just told you that my Dr thinks I have an ectopic pregnancy and your going to tell me when my due date is?! My mom was po'd!
She almost told her off!
After waiting what seemed like forever, they finally got me in, and I had to go by myself first. The Dr came in and talked to me for a while and then decided that I was eligable for an ultrasound. I guess for an emergency ultrasound you have to be bleeding and in pain. Since I had both, I qualified. So I'm all by myself being wheeled up to the ultrasound room, I have no idea what they are going to find. I'm so scared, and praying the whole time. They do the ultrasound, and the tech shows me what's going on.
NOT an ectopic pregnancy! She showed me this tiny little bubble called a sac (I didn't know anything about this!) and that is where the baby is, it was in the right place and everything looked normal!
Wow, what a relief!! I started crying and they wheeled me back to my room. The nurse talked to me for a bit, and then brought in my mom and E. They both looked so pale and scared, and there I was sitting on the hospital bed with a huge grin on my face!! I told them that everything was perfect! I was still pregnant! E, who doesn't cry at all!, got all misty eyed and I have never seen him so happy! My mom of course started crying! I bet we were a sight to see! :)
The Dr came back in, and I had to get blood tests done, and she let me know that they were considering me at risk for a miscarriage. I needed to go to my OB in 2 days and I needed to come back to the hospital for another round of blood tests. They needed to check my hormone levels to make sure that the pregnancy was progressing.
So that was a relief! E and I spent the night celebrating this little miracle!
Well, I called Dr M the next day, and he was still skeptical! He said to come in right away so he could check my progesterone levels. So, more blood work done, and the next day I was on my way back to the hospital for even more bloodwork, and I get a call from Dr M.
"I'm sorry" he say's "your progesterone levels are just too low for you to still be pregnant. I'm sorry to tell you that I believe you have miscarried"
WHat?! So now I'm in the car driving to the hospital, sobbing my eyes out. Dr M said to still get the bloodwork done b/c if my pregnancy hormone levels were rising and my progesterone levels were so low, that could be very bad for me. So omg I'm freaking out. I called off work for the next few days b/c I just couldn't stop crying! How had I miscarried already? I just couldn't believe it.
When E got home from work, I told him what happened, and we both were so upset, but he said that at least we know now that I can get pregnant, and if we lost the baby, then we have at least one in Heaven watching over us. Well, that made me cry even more!
The next day I had to go to the OB. They had all my test results from the hospital and my pregancy hormones were rising. That freaked me out b/c of what Dr M had told me. Then the OB did an ultrasound and everything was fine! I was still pregnant! So I called Dr M and he said to come in right away for a shot of progesterone.
I don't know how many of you have had a shot of progesterone, but it hurts!! I couldn't sit on my right cheek for 2 whole day's! lol It was really aweful, and E kept making fun of me!
Well, that was on a Friday that I got the shot, and on Monday I woke up to blood everywhere. It looked like I had been murdered overnight. I started freaking out sobbing and crying, I called the OB and they had me come in right away for another ultrasound and sure enough I was still pregnant. My OB gave me a prescription for progesterone, and said that I was to take this the entire first trimester.
I'm telling you the first month after I found out I was pregnant was the most emotional roller coaster ride I have ever been on! It kept going on with me bleeding and going in to the dr, and everytime everything was fine.
They found that I had a blood clot that was over an inch long! and that was what was causing me to bleed so much. I was watched very carefully for a while, untill the bleeding finally stopped. I was on pelvic rest for a long time too.
So finally after a long scary ride, everything stared getting normal. But I couldn't relax untill we were able to hear the heartbeat. I've progressed to now I'm at 26 weeks! The baby is getting bigger and stronger. My stomach is getting huge!
We found out that we are having a baby girl, and E is so excited! He already is talking about how he and the baby are going to be best friends and do everything together! lol E also is making plans to have more! I don't know if we can, but if God decides to give us another one, I'm on board!! :)

So that was my crazy story, I'm sorry it's so long! I'm sure you all know by now that the tone of my blog has changed drastically. I don't want anyone to feel put out or feel that they can't follow me anymore. But I do have to move on. I still feel like I'm an infertile, b/c it wasn't easy for me to get pg, and I'm sure it won't be easy for it to happen again, if it even can. I don't feel that I am a part of the "normal" mothers. I'm kinda in the middle. I'm not going to stop remembering where I came from and ignore the rest of you who are still struggling. I am still praying for all of you and I hope that none of you lose hope. It is so easy to do, but you never know where the Lord will lead you.
I will be posting some pics soon, and will be doing alot of baby stuff on here. I understand if you feel you can't follow me anymore, but I hope you do.

I've had a Blogger Withdraw

2012-01-11T14:30:00.000-08:00

Hey! So I'm sure I owe an explanation for my very long absence. But first I have to say Congrats to all of you who are now expecting or have had their babies! Wow I'm so super excited for all of you :)
Also I'm surprised at how many bloggers have gone private! So now I have no idea whats up with all of you. So if you've gone private and are following me, please contact me so I can continue to follow, if you'd like! Thanks :)

So..... Here we go, this is going to be a little long, so I'm pretty sure this will be in 2 posts.
After the whole Mothers Day fiasco, I just decided that I couldn't do this anymore. I was to depressed and upset all the time about everything baby related, that I just didn't want to see or hear any more good news. Also I just didn't want to hear about how many IFers out there were feeling the same way that I was. It made me even more depressed. I just wanted to forget all about IF and ignore everything that had to do with it.
Then our computer broke, so it was easy for me to just up and quit blogging. I thought about posting a goodbye post, but I just felt at the time I needed to go cold turkey. I was crying after Church b/c of all the new moms that were there. At the pool over the summer there was this woman who's daughter is friends with my neice, so we saw her every time we were there, but she was pregnant with her 3rd baby and not only was she super tiny and cute, she had this little baby bump showing off in her bikini, and always said "Oh, I'm just so excited to be pregnant again! I love being pregnant!" UGH!!! Gag me already... I couldn't stand it! I thought I was getting away from pregnant people and IF, but it kept popping up everywhere!
The summer wasn't all bad, Gabe finally got his First Holy Communion! He was so excited, and just glowed! We had a big party for him, and since he recieved his First Communion on July 3rd, we got to go to our community's fireworks that night. Gabe said that they were for him, b/c God was so happy that he finally got to recieve Him. :) I just love that kid! :)
By the end of the summer I was not thinking about IF at all. I kept praying every week, that I would be able to accept God's will for my life. If I were to be just a step-mom and Aunt, then so be it. I just wanted to be ok with my life. I prayed for peace, I prayed for patience. I still prayed to be able to have children, but only if it were God's will for me. I was finally getting to a good place, but I was still taking the Progesterone, and Estradial, and getting my blood checked all the time.
At my Dr's apt in July I told Dr M that I didn't want to do this anymore. It was to expensive to continue and I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep putting my body threw this. Dr M said that he would respect my decision, but said that he thought it was a good idea for me to continue taking the Progesterone. I could stop taking the other medication, and I didn't need to get my blood drawn anymore. But if I were to get pregnant my body would reject it if I weren't taking the Progesterone. So he suggested that I continue taking the P for a few more months, and if by then I wasn't pregnant, and we wanted to take a break, then we would stop all medication.
I agreed and thought that this was just a big waste of time and money. But he had a good point.
So July came and went and it was time for AF to show up, I was feeling wierd. I don't know how to explain it... I just knew something was going on with my body that wasn't normal for me. The day came in my cycle for AF to show up and I spotted that day. I told E that I thought I might be pg b/c I've never spotted before on the first day of my cylce, and I was just feeling wierd! He said he thought so to, and I should go test. But, I was not very optomistic and said that if I didn't have a "real" period in the next 2 days then I wasn't testing b/c it would be a waste of money on a pg test. The next day I had a full on period. Strangly enough I wasn't that upset. I thought well, I knew it, it couldn't happen to me.
But then things got strange for me. My period only lasted 2 days and completely stopped. Then 3 days later I started spotting again. I was so tired all the time, and my stomach hurt, almost like cramps but not so severe. I was spotting for 2 weeks and finally I called S the Creighton lady. The first thing she said was did I think I was pregnant? I said no way b/c I had had a period. It was strange but I had one. So she said she would bring a copy of my chart to Dr M and see what he thought, and would call me back in a day or two.

So, this is where I leave you for now. I've got so much more to tell you all! I promise I will be back!

A Big Fat Negative!!

2011-05-09T08:19:00.000-07:00

Where do I even start? .. Today is CD5. I'm doing fine today, but who knows how long it will last?

Last week, I was at CD 31 and I havn't gone this long in my cycle since a year or so ago. I was convinced that I was about to get a positive test. I had zero symptoms of AF showing up, and Dr M had called me and said my hormones were right where they needed to be and that I should be testing at P+12. Well, I was at P+ 16 when he called, so I decided to wait one more day to test. Just to be sure. So there I was at P+ 17 still no sign of AF. I sucked it up and I took the test..... Nothing. No + sign showed up. I read threw the directions again and it said you could wait up to 10 min. But results should show in 2. After 2 min I waited and waited. 10 min passed and no positive result.

I can't remember the last time I cried so much. I couldn't stop sobbing. I couldn't understand why I didn't get a positive test. My hormones are right where they need to be, we are doing everything we can.. waiting for my fertile CM to show up, taking vitamins, excersizing, eating right, praying every day for a miracle. And I had no cramps, no bloating, no cravings, nothing to show that AF was going to come. Then the Crighton lady S called me and asked how things were going. I told her about the test and she said that if I went to P+20 to test again. Then she asked me if I felt pregnant... What? Seriously? How the heck would I know if I felt pregnant? All the symptoms that I hear of pregnant women sound like my AF symptoms! Then she said that P+ 20 would fall on Mothers Day and maybe it would be a wonderful day for me this year... OMG, some people should just keep their mouths shut..
Anywhay, After I get off the phone with her I didn't feel any better, so I did what any destraught woman does, and I grabbed some chocolate, and put on a sad movie to take my mind off my own problems. 'Becoming Jane' is my go to movie for feeling sad. It's truly a heartbreaker movie.

E came home and I told him about what happened, and he said that he thought that this was it, and that S was right that I just tested too early.

The next morning, I woke up to AF, cramps and the whole shebang! I stayed in bed the entire day. Luckily I was not working that day, because I don't think I could have handled it.
I finally decided to call and schedual my HSG test. But I needed to know what the cost would be first. $850.00 up front before the procedure, if my insurance doesn't cover it. So I called my insurance co. and they will cover 80% AFTER I meet my deductible of $3,000.00! So I asked where we were? We are only at $300.00!

This is where I lost it again. I felt so hopeless and so lost. Why do I have to go threw all this crap and spend all this time, money and energy to get pregnant? And you all know the thoughts that race threw your mind when this happens, all the why me's and why those other women can get preggo so easily, and some abort their children and they can get preggo, and here I am wanting a child and I can't have one! Then I am also faced with the feelings of not being good enough. Why can E have a child with someone else, someone he doesn't even like? and here I am his wife and I can't give him a child. I think that is the worst feeling of them all. I think it is hatred and jealousy all wrapped up in one horrible thought. It's not fair, and it's not ok. I hate that I feel that way. And I hate that it's true. But I can't dwell on those feelings anymore. That is the reason I havn't been able to get on here.I couldn't write out those feelings, and I couldn't read anyone els's. It was too much for me.

When E got home that night, we tried to figure out what we can do. I need the HSG test b/c it's almost pointless to get my hormones on track if my tubes are blocked. But maybe it's just my hormones and I just need a little time to get pregnant. We can't afford the test now. There is no way we can do it now. The hormones I'm taking are expensive, and so are the blood tests. Do I quit taking the hormones untill we can afford to do the test, or do we just do the hormones and see what happens? Either way it will suck. I have a week or so to decide before I need to refill my prescription. Please pray that we make the right decision.

The only thing I found out today is that the place where I have been getting my bloodwork done is no longer in our network, so I found a new place that is, and hopefully will be a little cheaper for that.

Other than that, Mothers Day was interesting. We had Gabe this weekend, and he and E made me breakfast and cleaned the house. That was nice. I thank God that he was here this year, I needed that.

At Mass there was a couple in front of us, and as Father Tom prayed for all mothers (and he added a special intention for those struggling with IF) the woman was just crying her eyes out. I don't know for sure that she is struggling with IF, but it made me more determined to get this support group started. It's slow going, as Father Tom was busy with Easter and First Communions, but now it is time. I need this and other women need this. I prayed for all of you yesterday and I hope that everyone someday will get what they ask for!

Prayer Buddy Reveal!

2011-04-28T09:01:00.001-07:00

I've been having a hard time getting on the computer, b/c my wonderful husband broke ours!! I have no idea what is wrong, but it doesn't work at all, so I am at my sisters using her's. Hopefully we will have a new one soon..

So this Lent I was blessed to pray for a wonderful woman, who's blog I had never read. M from A Maiden's Tale. I prayed a novena to St. Joseph for her. He has been there for me so much, I know he will be there to help M also. :) I will continue to pray for her and follow her blog.

Ever blessed and glorious Joseph, kind and loving father, and helpful friend of all in sorrow! You are the good father and protector of orphans, the defender of the defenseless, the patron of those in need and sorrow. Look kindly on my request. My sins have drawn down on me the just displeasure of my God, and so I am surround-
ed with unhappiness. To you, loving guardian of the Family of Nazareth, do I go for help and
protection.

Listen, then, I beg you, with fatherly concern, to my earnest prayers, and obtain for me the favors I ask.

I ask it by the infinite mercy of the eternal Son of God, which moved Him to take our nature and to be born into this world of sorrow.

I ask it by the weariness and suffering you endured when you found no shelter at the inn of Bethlehem for the holy Virgin, nor a house where the Son of God could be born. Then, being everywhere refused, you had to allow the Queen of Heaven to give birth to the world's Redeemer in a cave.

I ask it by the loveliness and power of that sacred Name, Jesus, which you conferred on the adorable Infant.

I ask it by that painful torture you felt at the prophecy of holy Simeon, which declared the Child Jesus and His holy Mother future victims of our sins and of their great love for us.

I ask it through your sorrow and pain of soul when the angel declared to you that the life of the Child Jesus was sought by His enemies. From their evil plan you had to flee with Him and His Blessed Mother to Egypt. I ask it by all the suffering, weariness, and labors of that long and dangerous journey.

I ask it by all your care to protect the Sacred Child and His Immaculate Mother during your second journey, when you were ordered to return to your own country. I ask it by your peaceful life in Nazareth where you met with so many joys and sorrows.

I ask it by your great distress when the adorable Child was lost to you and His Mother for three days. I ask it by your joy at finding Him in the Temple, and by the comfort you found at Nazareth, while living in the
company of the Child Jesus. I ask it by the wonderful submission He showed in His obedience to you.

I ask it by the perfect love and conformity you showed in accepting the Divine order to depart from this life, and from the company of Jesus and Mary. I ask it by the joy which filled your soul, when the Redeemer of the world, triumphant over death and hell, entered into the possession of His kingdom and led you into it with special honors.

I ask it through Mary's glorious Assumption, and through that endless happiness you have with her in the presence of God.

O good father! I beg you, byall your sufferings, sorrows, and joys, to hear me and obtain for me what I ask. (Here name your petitions or think of them.)

Obtain for all those who have asked my prayers everything that is useful to them in the plan of God. Finally, my dear patron and father, be with me and all who are dear to me in our last moments, that we may eternally sing the praises of JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH

" A blameless life, St. Joseph, may we lead, by your kind patronage from danger freed."

SHE SAID YES!!!!

2011-04-22T05:14:00.000-07:00

Gabe's mom agreed to let him get the Sacraments!!! I am so excited!! Thank you all for your prayers. This is such an important part in his life, and I'm so blessed to be able to share this with him. :) :) :)

BTW this is post # 101!!!! WOOT WOOT!! :)

Have a Blessed Easter everyone! :)

God's plan part II

2011-04-18T08:09:00.001-07:00

So, thank you all for your support! I am super excited to get this group started! :)

Let me tell you.. God works in mysterious ways! (well, maybe not so mysterious ;)
During my talk with Father Tom, he mentioned that I should get together with the youth administrater at our Church and he thinks that I would be a great addition to the youth group. Well, I have always wanted to get involved with the youth group, I've just been too nurvouse, or just put it off so many times, that I just gave up thinking about doing it. I would love to be a part of the community helping out the young kids grow in their faith. I just think it's interesting that Father just came out and said that without me mentioning it at all!

Father Tom also made a comment about how he thinks that E and I would make a great couple to talk to the engaged couples about marriage. WHAAATT!?! First of all it was my first meeting with Father, and he hasn't even met E yet! Then I rememberd that E had at one time after some church funtion in Las Vegas, said that he thought that he wanted to be a speaker and help people. E only mentioned it once, and I never really thought about doing something like that, but after Father said something, I thought that it might be a neat idea. Maybe not right now, as I'm not sure what we would say or talk about! lol. Father said that we should think about it, and he will let the new priest who is taking over know to keep us in mind.

Now, I had one other thing to talk to Father about besides the support group. That is Gabe. Gabe goes to church with us, and we pray the rosary, and have really tried to inform him of the Catholic faith. But his mother is not Catholic, and I'm not sure if they claim any particular religion just christian. I'm not sure that they even go to church very often. But Gabe has really been asking alot of questions regarding the Catholic faith. I bought these CD's of stories of the saints. They are called Holy Hero's. These are the cutest way to teach children about the lives of the siants. They are just short stories that get to the heart of what happend in each life of the saint.

We got one on Blessed Imelda Lambertini. If you havn't heard of her, you should check her out. She was a child who went into the convent at a very early age. She was too young to recieve Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and prayed every day and asked the priests if she could recieve her First Communion early. She was always told no, she had to wait till she was 13 I think the age was at that time. But one day a miricle happend and the priest said that it was God's will that Imelda recieve her first communion early. After she recieved Jesus she was left in the chapel to pray and when the other nuns came back to get her, she was smiling but unresponsive to them. She had died of happiness! I know this is a short version of the story and doesn't nearly get the awsomeness of this, but this was such an amazingly powerful story of the Blessed Sacrament!

Gabe loved that story the best. He is so amazed that Jesus is really present and is there for us. He was almost in tears when he asked why he couldn't recieve communion.
It was heartbreaking for me to have to tell him that he couldn't recieve Jesus in that way. He understood, (which just shows you how mature he is in some ways) but he was still sad. Since Gabe doesn't live with us, it's almost impossible for us to put him in some kind of Religious Ed classes.

So I went to see Father Tom about this, and he said that he will talk to Gabe the next weekend we have him, and he will get Gabe into a speed program to get him his First Pennance and First Communion before he leaves our parish!! He said that if Gabe already has learned about the sacraments and believes then it is his call if the child is ready or not. The only thing that E and I need to do is to talk to Gabes mother and make sure it is ok with her. I can't imagine denying Gabe this wonderful gift any longer. We really need your prayers that his mom agrees to this!!!

Gave is such an amazing kid. He told my sister that he wants to paint churches, and he told me that he wants to be a messenger for God like the Angel Gabriel!! How many kids say these things!? I just thnk it is so important to bring Gabe up in the true Faith. He was baptised Catholic as a baby, but that is it. ANd untill E and I got together he never even went to Church! Please keep us in your prayers tonight as we talk to his mom about this! Thank you :)

God's plan

2011-04-13T16:29:00.000-07:00

I am super excited as I write this post. (no not preggo so get that out of your heads silly girls! ;))

For about 2 months now I have been seriously thinking about starting an infertility support group. I have been hesitant about it because I am currently taking hormones to help me get pregnant, and I've been worried that if I get pregnant, than what would be the point of starting this group? But of course I haven't gotten pregnant, and as the months pass, I started thinking that I just have to do it. If I don't start it now, will it ever get done? How many people are out there struggling who have no idea what to do or where to go? I'm not an expert, but I think I have some knowledge that can be beneficial to other women.

One of the things I want to do is to bring the Truth of the Catholic Faith, and what She teaches about what is and isn't allowed for us to use as a means to get pregnant. There are so many Catholics who have no idea what the Church teaches or even why. I think that it's important for all Catholics to know the truth.

I also want to be a source of hope for other women. We need each other. We need to know there are others who are going threw the same emotions and frustrations. We need a shoulder and I want to be that for others. We need God in our lives and we need to call on Him during these tough times in our lives.

*******So on Sunday during Mass our priest told us that he was called to leave our parish and will be leaving at the end of June. This is horrible news. We LOVE our priest Father Tom. He is amazing. SO my first thought was that I wouldn't be able to start this IF group and I don't know how our new priest will be and how can I bring this up? Then after Mass I saw a girl A who I used to work with years and years ago. We started chatting, and for some crazy reason I told her about what I wanted to do.
She was so excited about it! She had recently been married and was having some troubles, and also her sister in law had just gone threw 2 failed I.V.F attempts. They are Catholic, but not always practicing. A's brother decided that he was mad at God about their IF and doesn't want to pray anymore. A told me that I need to tell Father Tom about this right away, and get this group started before he leaves.

I couldn't believe it! I hadn't told anyone except E that I wanted to do this before. I can only guess it was the Holy Spirit moving in me that made me talk to A about this. I've been on fire ever since!

SO today I had a meeting with Father Tom, and he is so very excited about me starting a support group! He said that both of his sisters have struggled with IF and he knows how hard it is for allot of women. He went on to tell me that it's so important to let Catholics know what the Church teaches and why. He really wants to get this started as soon as possible. We are setting up an appointment for next week to figure out all the details. :) I am so unbelievably excited right now.

There is so much more about this conversation with Father that I have to tell you, but it's really for another post.

Please pray that I can get this going, and really be there to help these other women in my area who need the support and Truth.

Cha cha cha changes!!!

2011-04-08T17:13:00.000-07:00

That song reminds me of Shrek, lol. I love all those movies btw ;)
So some stuff has been going on in my mind lately and Ive been meaning to get on here, but I've been working hard and been busy with my family. It has taken me a while, but I have lost 6lbs!!! For me that is alot! It takes me FOREVER to lose anything, but I've been sticking it out and I've finally lost some weight.
I have this problem with giving up, b/c it is so hard for me to lose anything at all I get fed up and frusterated so I just quit. But I've pushed threw and kept working out and trying to eat as best I can, and it worked! :) I'm super excited about that! I get up every morning and work out before work, and I can't snack at work, so it's easier to not eat to much during the day.

But the main reason I have lost this weight is because I decided that I'm sick and tired of giving up and this is really important that I lose weight. I need to lose weight not only to be healthier, but it might just also help me to get pg at some point. They say just losing 5% of your body weight can up your chances of getting pg. So I'm sticking with it till I get to my goal weight!

Good news on my hormone therapy..... It's working!!!!! YAY something is going right with my body! :) Dr M called me to let me know how my blood test went and I am right where I need to be. He seemed pretty optimistic about it.

I want to be optimistic. I am trying to change my thoughts about this whole thing, but sometimes I find it really hard. There are sometimes while I'm praying that I just feel that God is telling me that I'm not going to get pg, and other times I feel that I am going to. I am just going to keep on praying and hoping. Our priest always says to be like a 5 year old when we pray... keep asking and asking for what you want, and never stop. Have faith. And that's where I am changing the most... my faith has been getting stronger and I am going to trust that whatever happens is for the best for me.

29 And Grey!!!

2011-03-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Sounds like a bad reality show doesn't it?

Saturday the 19th was my 29th birthday. I am now one step closer to officially being a "real" adult! I mean when your in your 20's people always say how young you are, well, once you hit 30 you are now a full fledged adult. Your expected to have a carreer and have your life together. Your chance of concieving goes down (like we need that!) your chance of getting cancer and obesity goes up, and wrinkles and grey hair are on their way!

Now I know there are several of you who will say that being in your 30's is great and blah blah blah, but just remember how you felt before you got there. I'ts very scary.

Anyway, I had a great day on Saturday, I got to lay around and do no housework, or cooking, and I got a great foot massage! E made me breakfast and lunch, and my mom had us over for an amazing dinner. :) I cheated this month with an Oreo ice cream cake, but I'm not stressing over it!

On Sunday morning while I was fixing my hair, I found 3 grey hairs! Yes I said 3!!!! OMG, this is soooo wrong! One of the hairs is this little thing that sticks straight up and I couldn't get it to smooth down. Luckily my hair is pretty light and it kinda blends in (which is why I guess I didn't see them before) Oh the joys of getting older! :) I'm debating on wether or not I should start dying my hair, I have only dyed it once a few years back, and I like my natural hair color the best. Maybe I'll just let it go full on grey. ;)

Lent, and low Progesterone

2011-03-14T04:23:00.000-07:00

I'll start with the second part of the title. Dr. M called me last week to let me know about my bloodwork that I had done on CD P+12 to see how the pills are working. My Estradiol is normal, but the Progesterone is still too low. He said to continue taking the same pills this next cycle and we'll see how that works, and if it's still too low, then we need to up the dosage. Arg! I knew this wouldn't be an easy fix, but it would be nice if it would just work already!

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. Everything has calmed down. I'm still not emotionally sane right now, but it's better than it has been.
I may have found a solution to our insurance problems. My part time gig offers insurance, and it's relatively cheap. The main problem being that I work part time, and the pay sucks, so even being cheap, it will take most of my paycheck. But, this is good insurance that pays 100% of everything, with only a $20.00 copay. It will pay for my HSG test.
E cant' take me off his insurance till Oct, so we are trying to figure out if it would cost us more to get this new insurance, or to just keep his.
I don't want to keep this job forever, infact I hate it. The only good thing is that I get alot of excersize. It's very exhausting.

I've lost 4lbs! I figure that this new job has alot to do with that. I need so much excersize to lose anything, and I'm not a gym rat, so it's very hard for me to lose anything. I'm still keeping track of my calories and workouts. I'm hoping to lose another 16lbs by summer.

Oh, and I got another part time job. This one is way better than the one I currently have. I am keeping both, b/c neither one pays the amount that I need. And of course the crappy one offers the insurance. But this other job is something that I can do forever and it will provide plenty of opportunity for advancement and raises. Very excited about that! :)

Lent: here we go... I have given up my FB games. Don't laugh! lol. This is very hard for me! I am addicted to Frontier.ville ! It's a sickness I tell ya! I can spend hours on that dumb thing, and waste the entire day.
I plan on also going to Stations of the Cross as often as I can. Also Adoration. I need to become more spiritually fit. I need to be more calm and have more faith in what my life will be. What does God want from me? I hope to find out this Lent.

BFN and The Worst Weekend EVER!!

2011-03-08T05:03:00.000-08:00

OMGoodness!!!! I seriously had the worst weekend I can remember. So I am on CD3, and that's not even the start of it.
It started Thursday night, when we realized we have no money.. I guess we got carried away with going out and taking my parents out to eat several times, and buying things for the house. I spent way to much at the grocery store. It's hard to go from being able to buy whatever you want, to having a severe budget. Even when E was on unemployment, we were doing fine. I was making good $$, and the unemployment was alot less than E was making from work, but it was more than he's making now at his new job. I'm working ( a crappy retail job that doesn't pay anything) and it's helpful, but not what I'm used to.
So, we got into a huge fight about the money situation. Then the next day we get a bill for my bloodwork. We have insurance, but it sucks! It's the worst insurance in the world!! It paid for half of my bloodwork, and I get a bill for the rest. That's over $700.00! It also only paid 30.00 for my Dr appointment, and the new patient bill was over $200.00.
That sent E over the edge..
He started saying that I don't need to be going to the Dr right now, and that we don't need to be doing anything that we can't pay for. (like the hsg test) He said maybe we are forcing something that we're not ready for yet. WHAT!!!!!?????
I lost it.
How can he say that? What am I forcing?? I need help to get pg, and if there was nothing wrong with me we'd have a bunch of kids running around already. I'm almost 30, we've been married for 6 years, NO pregnancies, nothing... and I'm forcing something?? Really?? I don't care if we can't afford the damn dr's bills, we decided to go and get me checked out and start treatments, and now he wants me to stop!
I don't want to wait any longer. I can't wait any longer. If were going to try to have kids were going to do it now, or never.

I didn't tell him any of that. I should have, but I just hid away and pretended like nothing happend. I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep. I just wanted to crawl into the biggest blackest hole I could find and not come out.

I worked all day Saturday, super hard, i was so tired when I got home. I was physically and still emotionally tired. I was cranky. I didn't talk to E about how I was feeling at all. And I should have.

Sunday was CD1. And I had to take a stupid PG Test. All for the stupid pills that I have to take, that may not even work. I knew that AF was on her way, and I knew I had to go buy a test. So I'm at the store buying Tampons and a PG Test. I bet that looked hillarious. Of course I got a BFN. I went home, peed on the damn thing, and left the bethroom. I could barely look at the test. I knew it was a N, I didn't care about it. I just felt numb.

I am so tired of this. Usually I feel this way for one or two day's and then I'm over it. But this time.. it's lasting allot longer. I'm starting to feel all the negative results of IF. I can't look at a pregnant woman anymore. I don't want to go to anymore baby showers. They never botherd me before, I couldn't understand why all the IF women got so upset about the baby showers. If it was my friend or family member, then I was happy for them. Now.. I'm just pissed off. Why me? How the hell am I the only one in my immediate family that can't have kids? How can all my friends be pg all the time, and then they all talk about what birth control they have to use b/c they can't handle anymore kids.. It's not fair. It totally sucks. I'm sick of it.
I don't care if I go broke getting these tests done. I'm going to do everything I can. And if it doesn't work..... I don't know what will happen. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

Weight loss update

2011-02-24T08:50:00.000-08:00

My status is not good! I am the worst at losing weight.. When we moved I was so busy with everything, that my workouts took a back seat to my life. So I went about 2 weeks working out maybe twice a week, and I havn't lost anything since! But the girls in my Familia class decided that we all need to lose some weight and found this free site called loseit.com . This is the best website I have found! It's great if you have other people losing with you, b/c you can see what your friends are eating, and how much they workout. You can't see their weight (thank goodness!) but it really makes you responsible for what your eating! I have a tendency to cheat, and sneak snacks. I think if no one can see me eat it, then it didn't happen.. I know, I'm like a little kid with that lol. If anyone wants to join me in losing, just let me know your email, and I can friend you! It's great also b/c you can write encouraging words to eachother, and keep eachother motivated, wich is a big issue for me, to stay motivated. I just started this week, and I'm excited to see how much I can lose.

On the IF front, not much going on.. I am 3 days into my regimine with the pills, so far no side effects or any problems. I am keeping my fingers crossed, but at the same time trying to not get too hopeful.
Did anyone see the Today show today? They had a segment on IF and said that a support group gives IF women a 50% more chance of concieving, than those women who do not have a support group. So... I believe these blogs are a support group, so we should all be getting pg at some point right? Keep the support going girls! :)

I've joined the pill popping club

2011-02-16T07:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I've had my doctors appointment and the news is so,so. After all the blood drawing (which left me black and blue) we finally got all the results in. My Progesterone is very low, and my Estrogen levels are within the normal range, but on the low end. According to my bloodwork and charts I did ovulate, just the day after my charts show that I did. So, to help with this "hormone" problem, my doc put me on 3 medications. Starting P+3-12 I am to take Prometrium 200mg, and Estradiol 1mg. Then only after a negative pregnancy test I am to take 8 (no that is not a typo) Femera 2.5mg tablet, on day 2 of my cycle. I'm currently on day 10. Yikes! The day of the appointment I was very upset, I'm not sure why, but all I could think was that I'll be taking pills forever and taking a pg test for no reason every month. Of course my doc isn't very sensitive and he again tells me that after 6 months if I'm not pg then surgery should be my next step. He is still convinced that I have endo. Any of you endo girls out there know if there is any way to be diagnosed with it instead of having surgery? It just seems like he might be jumping the gun here, but of course I'm not a doctor, and I do have some sypmtoms...
Also, I am to get a hsg? test to make sure my tubes aren't blocked, and he wants E to take a test to check his spermies.. I think we are going to wait on that for another month or so. Our insurance is not very good, and I don't think that they cover those kind of procedures.
I'm not very into this doc of mine, but I only went to him b/c I know that he follows the Churches teachings and he uses the Crighton charts as well. If I don't get pg by the end of this "pill popping" phase, I am definatley going to find a new doctor. He just doesn't seem like he is really there for you, it's like he is all buisness. He tries to make jokes, but he is very dry and just comes accross as a little wierd. I think I might have just been spoiled b/c my last doc was wonderful! She was the one who found the pcos and everytime I left her office I just wanted to hug her and thank her for being so helpful. But we'll see what happens here.

My Familia class is going well. The last class we had was hard for me. There is so much in the book and in the Catechism that says that the love between a husband and wife brings about the fruit of a child, or some crap like that. It's not all that it says but the fact that those words are even in there, just get under my skin and makes it really hard for me at some of our meetings. The last one we had was last week and one of the girls is pg we'll call her J(she is married to my cousin B, and his sister A is the one who is running this class) We had a baby shower for J, A didn't want to have it b/c J is going crazy about her pregnancy, but we all brought gifts and had cake and snacks.. it was nice. But J is tactless. She just says the most irreverant things and her own sister in law A can't have children! A has an adoptive son, but there is no way that they can have children naturally. And J was just out of controll about her pregnancy at the meeting. Afterwards A asked me how I was able to keep it together and how am I able to keep coming to these meetings? Some of the teachings have been really hard. A said that when she was in my spot, there was no way she could have come to these meetings. Even now she said that if I weren't there, it would be way harder for her also. I don't know... I love getting together with these women (none of them are disrespectful or say things that would upset me except J) I think that some of the teachings have helped me with Gabe and E. And also my little sister L goes to the classes with me, and if I weren't going, she would't be there. And she needs to go. So I am doing this for her, and even though there are some rough times for me, I am going to be a better wife to E and mother to G. Even if I am only a part time mom, I am trying to make the most of it.

Sometimes I feel like, how in the world could E have had a baby with a woman whom he hates and wasn't even in love with, and here I am his wife and our love isn't great enough to bring a baby into this world together. I know that is crazy talk, but I can't help that it is still going threw my mind occasionally. Oh well, it isn't my decision to have a baby or not, it is God's. I just pray that this regimine that I'm now on will work.

I want to leave you with a quote that was in my Familia book, it is when the angel Gabriel is telling Mary that she will concieve a son, and she asks how can this be
" The holy Spirit will come upon you"- your motherhood will not be the consequence of matrimonial "knowledge" but will be the work of the Holy Spirit."
This just really spoke to me being a step-mother and facing the possibility of never having my own children. And also anyone who has adopted or is trying to adopt,I think this just summs it all up!

Home Pictures!

2011-02-07T11:06:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I don't have a lot of pics b/c they were all on my old phone, and then I though I sent them all to my email, but some of them didn't get threw, and then I deleted them.. soooooo... this is all I got, but enjoy anyway! :)

The dinette area.. overlooking a new deck and the woods, to the left is the kitchen, behind is the Living room.

This is the ceiling, there are beams on the cathedral ceilings, and this is the opening to the kitchen area.

This is the first fireplace in the Living room, (before we got candles and decorations on it) We have a similar one in the basement. Both are wood burning.

this is one half of the "Ladies" seating area.. lol that is my swanky chair and awesome light that came with the house..

The other half of my "ladies" seating area, and the large windows that sold us on the house.. There are these big windows all the way into the hall in the front of the house, that is just to the left side of the photo..

This is sideways, sorry! I can't fix it.. This is the hallway going to the upstairs, and to the left is the kitchen and the downstairs.. To the right is the big windows, (this one was taken at night)

new phone

2011-02-05T06:08:00.000-08:00

Alright so i hope this posts.. we got new phones and a new network provider. Our other network did not get any service at our new house at all. So not only have i not had internet but no phones either! We got a garmin fone which also has internet service!! yay! its not great service and we didnt pay for the unlimited package but hey even a little bit of technology is better than none. :) i am so loving my new house... we r on a culdasac nestled in the woods. Behind us is a greenspace so that means they can never build behind us. We have lots of deer and birds and cute little forest animals! Except for the rous's! the other morning i looked out my window and saw this huge rat like creature i couldnt believe my eyes! then it turned its head and when i saw its face i knew what it was.. an opossum. Man thoes things are ugly! i havnt seen it since but im on the lookout so i can get a picture. I tried to post pics of the house yesterday but my sisters computer wasnt coopsrating. So i will just have to wait till i can get over to my moms. And with this weather who knows when that will be! seriously i am sick of the snow already. I know some of you have it way worse than i do . I think the groundhog needs to retire because there is no way we have an early spring. Anyway im finally done with the blood letting.. my arms are bruised so bad i look like a junky! i have a follow up appointment on monday and im sure my horemones are outa whack so ill probably be put on some kind of meds. But ill keep u posged.

No internet

2011-01-31T12:33:00.000-08:00

So this is just a quick post, we have moved succesfuly and I love love love, my new house! :) Pics will soon be up! But the problem is that we do not have internet yet at the house. not sure when we will be able to get it. I am at my parents house using the computer, and there just isn't enough time and private space for me to update on everything going on right now. But I am still alive and kickin! I will be going to my sisters by the end of the week to use her computer, when I know I will have some private time. I am trying to get caught up on all the blogs, so forgive me if I havn't been able to comment lately!
I'll be back! lol

Dr. appt. and weigh in

2011-01-18T04:57:00.001-08:00

I'll start with the weigh in.. Another lb!! So 2 lbs in two weeks, not so bad I think :) The closing on our house is set for Wednesday (tomorrow) We already went furniture shopping and have almost everything we need except beds, and we need beds! lol But it's hard to find a bed we like, and at a good price.. So we may be sleeping on the couch for a while. ;)

That my friends is the only good news I have. I finally went to the Dr yesterday. He follows the Creighton and is a family practitioner, but has a special intrest in women with pcos and endometriosis. So I show up with my charts, and I have the initial lab results from when I was diagnosed with pcos. He checks out everything, and said that the lab results don't really show anything substantial, and doesn't describe the cysts or follicles in a way that would be helpful. ok. But I am looking at the lab results now and it says "Normal size Uterus. Endometrial strip is not thickened. Normal sized ovaries. Right ovary 3.5cm. Left ovary 3.2cm. All follicles within the ovaries, simple largest on the right appears to be approximately 12mm. " and other crap, but doesn't that say the sizes?? I don't understand that.

Then Dr M tells me that he is not convinced that I do have pcos. He says that I don't have unusual cycles, they are not extremely long, I don't ever miss any periods. He said I don't show any tell tale signs of pcos. Acne, unusual hair on my face, I'm not too overweight. That's where I stopped him, I had to tell him that I have hair on other parts that as a woman I shouldn't (tmi sorry!) I have had really bad acne as an adult that I had to take medication for, and now I can control the acne with my diet, and I suddenly gained allot of weight when I was 20. I explained my diet and excersize, and told him that I work really hard to not be too overweight. Dr. M looked a little shocked, then said that I may have some symptoms of pcos, but I also have a lot of symptoms of endo. OMG.. I do have painful periods, it does hurt during sex when I'm close to having my period, but no other time.
Dr M then tells me that I'm 28 and E and I need to make a plan on how long we plan on trying medical intervention, before we move on to other options.( Is he saying that I'm old?? ) He said that he wants to do a Hormone Testing. So I have to get my blood drawn every other day starting today untill I'm P+12. I am only on day 10. Yikes. He is checking my Progesterone, and Estradiol.

I am glad that this dr follows the Creighton Model, and that he is Catholic. I'm a little excited to find out about my hormones, but at the same time I'm freaked out. What is going on with my body? Do I have pcos? Do I have Endo? I have always thought I had pcos even before I was diagnosed. Years ago I saw an article in a magazine about pcos, and reading the symptoms I just knew that was what I had. So now do I have 2 major things wrong with me? Well I guess 3 because of my thyroid. I am getting that checked today also. But when I left the dr's office, I just wanted to cry. And I did. I had been so excited to finally get to a Dr who would treat my pcos and then something magical would happen and we would end up pregnant! I mean we just bought a house that is big enough to have a little family! I know I shouldn't of gotten excited when we bought the house, but I just couldn't help it. Both E and I said it's a perfect house for a family, with 3 bedrooms we can have 2 or 3 kids or maybe 4? I was getting my hopes up again, and getting excited. I could just feel that I was going to get pg soon! But now I feel like any hope that I had is gone. I am getting older and older, and we are just now getting started on finding out what is really wrong, and trying to treat my problems. How long am I supposed to try? How do I know when it's to late and have to give up? Ugh! Life sucks sometimes.. E said that I just have to follow my own advice that I give to him.. and that is to trust God. God has a plan for us and I have to trust that plan because it is what HE wants for us. But is it wrong that I'm not liking His plan right now?
I'm trying to trust. But it is really hard..

The Shoes.... !

2011-01-14T07:43:00.000-08:00

By popular demand... I present to you my new Ree/bok Easytones! They look like regular shoes, so you can work out all day long, and no one even knows it! ( maybe I should get paid for endorsing this? lol)

Some news.. and weigh in 2

2011-01-12T06:54:00.000-08:00

Well, I'll start with my weigh in.. I lost 1lb! whoo whoo! I'll take it! I worked my butt off, but we did go out to eat twice last week, so even though I got "healthy" options, it still wasn't as good for me as a home cooked meal. Oh well, I am very proud of myself to be able to have lost something.. I just have to keep it up! I am surprised how many of us bloggers are the same height! lol I am also a shortie, 5ft 2 n 1/2 . Everything shows on me! I am not following the biggest lo.ser exactly. I am just using their weekly weigh in's to give myself a goal. And I get inspiration every time I watch it. I am doing my own workout routine. I have a yoga body burn dvd that I love to do, and I also have been clipping out the workout cards from magazines, and creating my own regimen. I make sure to work out for 30-40 min everyday. I know you hear that all you need is 30 min a day and u can lose weight! Not true for me!! I have to work out 40 min at least 3 days a week to make sure that I lose something! 30 min just keeps me at the same weight. I blame the pcos! My diet is getting better. I always have to work on that. I am a healthy eater, I just eat to much. Although, and I think I have said this before, that going gluten free has really helped my cravings, and has made it easier to eat less and better! I havn't had any cravings for chocolate or sweets, and the only thing I have craved is a subway sandwich. I just love the banana peppers on a sandwich! I have yet to find any gf bread that I like. I probably have to bake my own, because I have a mix that I have used for pizza dough and it was really good. But that's all I'm doing, I know it's not normal, or healthy to be losing that much weight as they do on the show in a week! really, 40lbs in one week is insane! Also, most of that is probably water weight anyway.
Now, on to my new shoes, I love love love them! I tell ya they really work! They are not the most comfortable shoes in the world, you can feel the balls on the bottom of your feet, but my legs are killing me! And it's not just the workouts. I wear them all day long and at the end of the day my legs and butt feel like I have done a killer workout, even if I only did a upper body workout. E says he can already see my legs toning up. I think these shoes are the best invention ever!! Really, you should all invest in them, wear them everywhere, and your legs will be awesome. I may still have my chubby belly, but my a$$ will look great! lol

So that was that. Sunday was CD1 ugh! I knew it was coming. I always do. But there is something different with my cycle, or maybe I am just now noticing it with the Creighton, but my past 2 cycles were exactly the same! I "ovulated" the same time as last cycle, I started my period on the same day, my cm was the same length. But yet I am not pg. WTH!! Well, I am calling the new doc tomorrow to make an appt. I hope I can get in soon. The weather is pretty bad, we just got snow dumped on us, about 4 inches, and we are going to get more throughout the week and weekend. I only have a front wheel drive car.. Well.. you didn't need anything else living in the dessert!! lol. My car is so not a mid-west vehicle. It slipps in the rain! We will have to trade it in at some point..

Are you ready for this!? I have some very exciting news... E and I are moving out of my parents house!!! woot woot! My grandma bought us a house. It is the cutest, most charming little house! I had seen it online, ( I just love looking online at houses, I can't help it!) It was so cute and really cheap. I showed my mom, and she said to call to find out what was wrong with it. So I did, and there was nothing wrong! In fact the previous owner had the entire house remodeled. It was owned by this older woman who had lived there since the house was built in the 70's. She had moved out a year ago to a condo nearby b/c she couldn't walk up and down the stairs anymore. So the house had never been updated, and when she put it up for sale, she didn't get any bites. Then she remodeled the entire house, and re-listed it, but it was priced to high. And with the market being as it is.. well, no one put in any offers. The owner just needed to get rid of the house, as she was still paying the property taxes on it. So last week as I was browsing threw the internet I came accross this house, that I had seen before, but at a higher price. There was a new listing agent and a new price. i couldn't believe it! So my mom, sister, and I went to go look at the house and just fell in love. It is is the cutest neighborhood. My sister actually lives 2 streets away, and it has it's own police force, a pool and a lake with a beach, it's own bar and grille, soccer fields, tennis courts, walking trails... We could only hope to find a house in this area! My mom said she might be able to sign for us, but to have my husband and step dad look at it. Well, I brought E that same night that we looked at the house, and he loved it. My step dad was weary about signing for us, they already helped out one of my other sisters. So on Sunday my mom said to bring Grandma to see the house and maybe she could help also. Well, my Grandma and step dad loved the house also, and Grandma said I'll buy it for you! OMG!! We have to pay her back, so instead of paying a mortgage we will pay grandma a monthly fee. And in a few years when we are able to get a loan ( stupid short sale! ) we will buy the house back from her. I have the bestest Grandma! So today we have the inspection, and we are supposed to close on the 20th. It's a 3 bed 2 bath house, sits on 1/2 acre of woods! Perfect for Gabe. It has a finished basement and a laundry room! Hey the little things are important! Our last house was twice as much as this with 2 beds and 1 bath, no basement, and less land. Our laundry room was in the garage! So Thanks to all of you who have been praying for us, (prayer buddy! ;) and to St. Joseph who is always looking out for us. :)

The first weigh in...

2011-01-05T07:22:00.000-08:00

So the Bigg.est lo.ser started last night, and wow, I think this will be a good season. I think I need to put it out there my weight weekly to keep myself accountable for my actions, and my food intake.
The first weigh in yesterday I was at 148.0 lbs. Kinda upsetting that I weigh so much, but I am ready to get it gone!!!

Good news ( not weight related) we got our dental insurance cards, so that means that we should be getting our other insurance cards soon! YAY! now I can get myself to the doc, get my thyroid checked again.. My last doc gave me a very long prescription to tide me over till I was able to get a doc out here, and I really shouldn't be going this long without it being checked. And now I can also get my hormones and other stuff checked for my IF. Whoo whoo! :)

New Year Resolutions

2011-01-03T06:47:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone!! I hope you all had a good New Years eve. We went to one of my sisters houses and played cards while all the kids played in the basement and had their own card games going on. Not super exciting, but fun enough and it was nice to just be able to hang out and relax!
So I have a hard time every year to figure out what my resolutions for the new year should be. Last year was the first year I really made one, I tried to spend more time with friends.. and I did better than I used to but it was kindof a half a$$ed resolution.. lol.
So this year I have a plan, and I have things that I really want to accomplish this year. So here they are:

1. (everyone will have this I'm sure ;) ) Lose weight. my goal is at least 10lbs. The new season of the Big.gest loser starts this week and I thought what better time than to start working out again and trying to get healthier. I want to see how much I can lose with the show each week.

2. Find a job and move out of my parents house!! This is a big one, I really need to get us out of here in the next few months, I love my family, but they are driving me nuts!

3. Continue to spend time with my family and friends. I love visiting my sisters and their kids ( I am the favorite Aunt by the way )and the past few months I have gotten together with friends from Highschool, and another girl I have known since we were in kindergarten, and it has been great. At least once a month getting together with friends is a good goal I think.

4. Go to confession more often, and pray the rosary weekly. For some reason getting to confession always seems like such a chore, but I know that I need to go and it will really help my spiritual life. Our country, and the world, needs lots of prayers and the rosary is such a powerful prayer to pray for the world peace.

5. And the last one.. To get to the dr's and get my thyroid fixed, and get my pcos treated, and if a pregnancy happens because of that, all the better!

I think that is enough goals to last me all year, anymore and I'll never stick to any of them! So now I'm off to workout using my new Reebok Re-tones! Love them! At least my legs will look good by the end of the year ;)

Prayer Buddy Reveal!!

2010-12-30T02:35:00.001-08:00

Drumroll please.............. My prayer buddy for Advent 2010 is.......... Alive in Hope! http://alive-in-hope.blogspot.com/
I was so blessed to be able to pray for such an amazing lady. I had already been following her blog for a while, and I have to admit I was a little nervous. This woman is already so holy in my eyes, always with something amazingly positive and Christ centered going on at her blog. I though "what in the world can I pray for her?" There were no prayer requests posted on her blog, and the only thing I knew for sure was that we both have PCOS. So everyday I prayed to St. Joseph and Jesus to take care of her and heal her, I prayed the Rosary for her and asked Our Lord to combine my prayers with hers for whatever she needed during this time. I was having a spiritual war with myself these past few months, and truly praying for Alive in Hope helped me get back to where I need to be. I am very glad that I did get to pray for her this time, and if you havn't had a chance, you should get over there and read her blog!

A very Merry Christmas

2010-12-28T08:27:00.001-08:00

So I want to thank all of you for your prayers and kind words.. I think that helped me a lot! After my cry fest, I prayed and prayed and just hoped that I could be happy. And I was. E is amazing, he always makes me laugh and makes me feel like everything will be ok for us.
On Christmas Eve my little sister and her 3 girls spent the night, it was so much fun! We watched Dispicable Me ( if you havn't seen it you must!) and the girls were so excited for Santa to come, so they made sure they were asleep asap! We put out reindeer food in the snow, and put out milk and cookies for Santa. Then they woke us all up early to open their presents. We were just super busy all day, my nephew came over after church and by 3 o'clock the entire family were here for dinner and gifts. There were 18 adults and 22 kids! It was a mad house like usual, but I love it, I love having everyone here to just hang out and enjoy each other. We had lots of wine flowing and tons of food. Christmas was awesome. E got me a Kindle and I love love love it! I love to read, and this was just the best gift ever. The books are about half the price you would pay for in the store, and i don't even have to go anywhere to get my books! :) So Christmas was great, I wasn't sad or upset about anything this year, and having my family surround me with love was just amazing.
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SO I had my follow up meeting with the Crighton lady S, she said that my chart was perfect, and not at all like someone who has PCOS. I had 5 days of good mucus and no unusual anything! I could pinpoint a peak day and so far this cycle is looking the same! I don't really know what's going on with my body, but so far there is nothing that looks "wrong" at all. By the looks of my chart I am a normal fertile gal! So again I'm just waiting for the insurance so I can get all my hormones and what not checked. Because, I know I'm not a normal fertile woman. But it is interesting to view my charts.
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I know I have to reveal my prayer buddy soon.. and I will... but this week is hectic, I'm surprised I found the time to write this.. Gabe is here this week and we are trying to keep busy with him, so I'll post as soon as I can!

The definition of Family

2010-12-21T05:10:00.000-08:00

According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church a family is defined as : "A man and woman united in marriage, together with their children, form a family" This is in the part concerning the fourth commandment. This was what my Familia group was studying this month. When I first read this, I was so distraught. How can this be in the Catechism? Do I not have a family because I don't have children? Are we incomplete? Well, kinda. I have been thinking about this for a while, I know that this was in the fourth commandment which is Honor thy Father and Mother. So of course this has to do with a "family", but it still stings. For some reason I am having a really hard time this year dealing with my IF. This time of year is usually my favorite time of year, but I can't enjoy it. Christmas time is supposed to be joyous and wonderful, I mean for the first time in over 6 years I finally have a white Christmas, but it's not joyous this year. Another year without children. Another year of trying and failing and I just want to give up. I have always dreamed of how awesome it will be to have my own family on Christmas, you know little kids waking you up in the early morning so excited that Santa has come, and making your own Christmas memories. I hate thinking about it, that I may never have this chance. I lost it the other day when I was talking to my mom about Christmas, I just broke down and I hate crying in front of people. She always tells me that everyone is praying for me, but it doesn't seem to be working.
This year has been tough. I still don't have a job, and living here with my parents is starting to be to much. We need to get our own place. I am sick of AF showing up, and I can't stand the positivity that some people have for me. Everyone including E says that it will happen, don't worry, ect... But it hasn't happened, my positive attitude towards my IF is gone. I'm sorry that I've been so depressing lately, but I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm reminded that I don't have a "family" every day. I'm surrounded by families, and kids. Don't get me wrong I love my nieces and nephews and wouldn't change living close by them for anything, but the longer time goes by I worry about if I ever do have kids, they won't have any cousins to play with. All the kids will be grown and mine will be too little to know them. There are so many families and kids at church it's depressing to go sometimes.
I keep praying to St. Joseph every day, I pray to Jesus and Mary, and yet I feel so alone and sad that I don't have a "family". I hope someday that I will just be able to be ok, and not get so upset about this anymore. I don't know if we will ever have what is defined as a family, and I just hope that one day I will be able to accept that.

Threw the storm...

2010-12-13T10:20:00.000-08:00

We made it, litteraly. Yesterday we got part of the big blizzard that wreaked havoc out there. We had to bring Gabe back, and I knew that we needed to leave early, but Gabe's mom said that they don't get snow till january,(yeah, cuz she's lived here forever) and Eric didn't understand how bad it could get. So I was right (of course) and the drive that is supposed to take an hour one way, took us 2 to get up there and 3 to get back. And our car is not great in this kind of weather. It slips in the rain! But we didn't have to deal with that much before we moved.
And Saturday was CD 1. I was devestated. Even with the confusion of wether or not I was ready, it just broke my heart. I was holding out hope, I didn't have any cramps before hand, which doesn't happen often, so I kept trying to make believe that it wouldn't happen. But it did. So here is another year gone by with no baby in my arms, no one to call me mommy. Another year that I'm not able to give this gift to my husband. It's depressing sometimes to think about. I was sorta surprised how hurt I was that AF showed up. Some times it's really hard, and others I knew that AF was coming and I'm not putting any pressure on myself. I think that is my problem, I have less symptoms some cycles so I can't help but to think that this could be it. And I had awesome CM this cycle. We timed everything. And yet.... nothing happened. How long can this go on? E keeps telling me I need to be optimistic about it, but then look what happens. I am crushed when AF shows up and I know that there is no point in me being hopeful. None. Sometimes I think that I will never get pregnant. Adoption isn't in the cards for us, so I have no hope.
But something did happen Saturday night. As I was laying in bed I just felt this overwhelming peace start to fall over me, and I just felt that I needed to pray the rosary. So as I was praying, I knew that I had to offer this up. At least for a night I felt better, knowing that my pain is helping someone out there. It doesn't make it easier to deal with, but I know it is a good thing to do.

Confusion

2010-12-10T10:47:00.000-08:00

So as I'm waiting for AF to show up, and I know she will, I have been having conflicting thoughts on it. On one hand I can't wait for the day when I finally miss my period and get that big positive! On the other hand I'm wanting us to be able to take a trip in the near future ( I need a job first!) but I don't want to be worried about getting pg. For most people getting pg isn't on their minds daily, and they make plans and just do whatever. But for me I'm always thinking about it. I am always counting the days till my next period, I know what day in my cycle I am and wether or not I've got good CM. I don't want to waste the good CM, so there is always a possiblility ( I guess) of getting pg. I'm afraid that we will miss an opportunity to take a great trip, but I don't want to miss an opportunity to get pg either! And getting pg is so difficult that I don't want to do anything to jepordize my chances in any way. So I am kinda glad AF is coming, but I'm also super sad. Because this is another year that has gone by with no baby. Another year I'm getting older and older and how long will it take? I have to go pick up Gabe today and I am dreading the day that his mom brings the new baby with her to the drop off or pick up. Will it be today? I am so stressed about that. I don't want to see the gloating look in her face or hear how much she looks like Gabe, because really she doesn't at all! But that is another rant that I probably shouldn't put out there in cyber space. You just never know!
So I guess I'll just continue to be confused about this whole thing. Anyone else ever feel this way? It kinda sucks because I've wanted nothing else for so long, and now I just don't know if I'm ready. Obviously financially we are not ready, but other than that how much longer can my body reject getting pg? Well, our new insurance should be kicking in sometime in Jan, and I'll be getting more tests done to check all my hormones. But I wonder if I should just wait? Should we wait till we are more settled, till we've taken a big trip that we have wanted to do for a long time? Really why does this have to be so complicated? Normal people don't ever have to worry about things like this. Normal people can wait till they are ready and just poof! be pg, no problemo. Sorry prayer buddy, you've got a lot of work ahead of you!

2010-12-08T05:15:00.000-08:00

I love the winter time. Not so much the cold, but the snow and the grey skies. I mean the cold is almost unbareable at times, but if your inside its awesome! It's been a really long time since I've had a "real" winter. Christmas time just isn't the same with out it. We got our first snow over the weekend, and E and I had such a fun time. We built a snowman and went sled riding in the back yard. Poor E has never built a real snowman. When we were in Vegas, we had a freak snow storm one year, and E made the funkiest snowman I have ever seen, we also didn't have enough snow.. lol. But it was great to share this with E, to be there for a new experience with him. Here is our snowman.

The Christmas time brings a funk to my thoughts along with all the magic of the season. Being IF brings thoughts that are I think a little unhealthy. Every year, as Christmas comes closer and my cycle comes to its end, I keep hoping that this Christmas will be IT!!! I daydream about surprising E on Christmas morning with a BFP and how exciting and amazing it will be. I can't help it, but these thoughts come every year. Then right before Christmas Aunt Flow comes along and ruins everything. She's on her way, and for the first time, I'm not sure when. My cycles have been getting shorter, and if its the same as last time, today should be it. It's a little annoying, because I have always been regular, I know exactly what day AF will come. But for the past 6 months or so, it's been off a little. My cylces have been shorter, then normal (for me) then shorter again. Ugh!!

Anyway, besides the funk, I'm happy to be home for Christmas time. It's cold and snowy and yucky outside. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? ;) I have a possible job opening up for me, so please pray that I get it. And to my prayer buddy, since I can't write to you to tell you this, I will be praying for you tonight at Mass and during Adoration. Have a wonderful day everyone! :)

The Big O

2010-11-27T09:10:00.000-08:00

No not that O girls! lol I mean Ovulation. I think it happened. Maybe it happened. This Chrighton class is really great, and I have never checked out my mucus pattern like this before. Doing the NFP I was always waiting for my temps to rise and fall, and they never did, so E and I never were able to plan our "relations" around the time of possible ovulation. But here I am checking my mucus and for the past 3 days I've got fertile type mucus! OMG!! I never thought that I had any, but I really wasn't checking correctly. I am super excited about this. I mean I may have some really screwed up hormones, and nothing will come of this, but it's exciting to know that I do have some good mucus! On the other hand, its been 6 years and I have never conceived, and it can't be all just because of bad timing. So my hopes aren't up too high, but I've never been much of a Debbie Downer, so I'm a smidgen hopeful. :)

Thankful

2010-11-24T03:34:00.000-08:00

As Thanksgiving approaches I thought it would be a good idea to actually write out what it is that I am thankful for this year. It's been a hard year, but I think I am starting to find my way again.

I am thankful for my family
I am thankful that we were able to get out of our house with minimal damage to our credit
I am thankful for my parents for letting us live with them right now
I am thankful that I was able to find a good Dr. who correctly diagnosed my pcos
I am thankful for my IF support group here on these blogs :)
I am thankful for my husband
I am thankful for my step-son
I am thankful that I have food to eat and warm clothes to wear
I am thankful that E was able to find a job and that we can pay our bills
I am thankful to be alive
I am thankful for my faith

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! :)

Finding my way...

2010-11-09T03:54:00.000-08:00

Thank all of you so much for your kind words of encouragement. It has definitely been a trial for me since the move. I've needed to just step back and not think about all this IF stuff for a while, and just breathe. I have applied for a few more jobs, and nothing so far. It is still frustrating not being able to get a job, I'm either overly qualified or not qualified enough. Oh well, it will come when it's time.
This past week was filled with both good and bad. The bad, is Gabe's mom had the baby and had some complications so we kept Gabe her for an extra 2 day's (which is good) she is fine now, but before and after the baby was born she called me several times to talk about the pregnancy and the baby. Now she posted stuff all over FB and it just makes me sick. You all know this feeling, it's horrible that I am upset over a new life, but who wants it rubbed in their faces~!? Well, that's that and I think if I keep thinking about it I'll go crazy.
Good: E and I went to our first Creighton class! :) I am super excited about this. We did NFP before, but it's too much, there is too much to do, and it's time for something new. I just think that this Creighton will be better suited for us. Our teacher is so sweet, and she struggled with IF for a long time and now has 3 children. Her son in law is a doctor who focuses on PCOS and IF. He is also Catholic, which is so awesome. We are still waiting for the insurance to kick in, so as soon as that happens, we are off to the doctors!
I have gone completely gluten free. It really isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I mean anything that I want to eat that has gluten in it is not good for anyone anyway, like pie and cookies. I feel great, my stomach is not upset all the time and I have lost some weight. I can now fit into my skinny jeans! :)
E and I have joined a 54 day Novena. You say the rosary everyday for 54 days, here is the link so I don't have to explain it. http://www.catholicdoors.com/prayers/novenas/p00074.htm
It's pretty awesome, and it helps E and I to pray together. So that's whats been going on. I'm still trying to be ok with the IF thing and the joblessness, I am trying to put all my trust in God.

Lost...

2010-10-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I really don't have a good title for this one. Life has just been passing by, not much going on. I have been busy somewhat with my family. My little sister comes over almost daily with her 3 girls. Her husband is being shipped off to Iraq in December, and he is in OK right now for training. Her middle daughter is my goddaughter. I have also been babysitting for my oldest sister from time to time, she pays me which is nice, because I still do not have a job!
I am starting to feel the pressure of not working. E tells me not to worry, he is working lots and we have the $ to pay our bills. But we do want to get our own place. It's nice living with family sometimes, I mean we don't have any house payments, or utilities to pay. My mom makes dinner almost every night for us. But it is hard following other peoples rules, I mean we have had our own place for 6 years and to now be under our parents "rules" its gets hard sometimes. I have been applying everywhere I can find, but nothing is happening. I know I have to trust in the Lord, but I am having a hard time right now.
I feel almost helpless. I don't feel close to Him right now, I feel that my prayers are empty and there is just no direction in my life. This is really hard for me to feel this way. Whenever I pray, I have this closeness to the Lord that I love and I can feel him guiding me. But now, I don't. I don't know where to go, or what to do. I'm just lost. This IF thing is driving me crazy. Everywhere I turn there are families. I live in a relatively small town, that is very family oriented and everyone has kids. All I see at church, and the store, and the neighborhood are moms with their kids. There seems to be this divide between women who are moms and those who are not. If I go out with my sisters, I almost get ignored to a point because I don't have any kids, I guess I don't have anything in common with them, so they talk and talk to my sisters, and don't even bother asking me anything. I know I'm a little sensitive, but it's there, and I hate it. And when we finally are able to get our own place, where do we move to? My mom keeps telling me I should stay here in this town, but I don't want to buy a home in a kid run place. I don't want to live like I may someday have kids, so I need to buy something to get ready for it. I don't want to be the outcast on my street. I am sick of living like "someday it may happen". I just want to live my life the way it is. There is still so much for us to do, but the realities are that I may never have children. IT may never happen. What then? I have a huge house with no one to fill it? I don't want that to be me. I saw an episode of house hunters on hgtv and there was this young couple wanting a big 4 bedroom house because they were going to start trying for babies as soon as they had a house. I laughed when I heard that, maybe I'm a little cynical but how naive to think that you can just get pg whenever you want. It doesn't happen like that for allot of us. I hate it. I hate the PCOS. I hate that I have to try so hard.
Sorry for the cry fest over here, I just needed to get it out!

From bad to worse... to much better!

2010-10-14T13:19:00.001-07:00

I think the Devil is working extra hard on me! I was doing great and putting all my trust in Him, and getting involved in Church stuff, when Bam! Yesterday's episode was a bad one. So I was already stressed out about the Familia women's group and was trying to get dinner ready when Gabe's mom called. She always stresses me out when she calls. She always wants to tell us what she's worried about concerning Gabe, and really it's not that serious. She acts like we don't talk to him, or know him at all, when in fact he talks to us more than he talks to her. Then she says my name like 100 times throughout the entire conversation. Really? I'm not sure what speaking classes she took, but constantly saying someones name does not make them want to listen to you more! Then she asked her husband S something, and said to me "Suzy, S is here with me now and I'm asking him ok?" OMG!! I know you are talking to your husband! I don't need footnotes of what's going on in your life! UGH! Then she tried changing our schedule, so not cool! We have a schedule so everyone knows where Gabe is when, and if something comes up we can change what we need to for that special occasion, but were not changing the schedule. So finally E got home and I told him what happened and he was mad. So he calls her, and she talks his ear off about nothing forever, and I had to leave to go to this class, it was a nightmare!
So off to the class. My little sister joined at the last minute, so we carpooled together. Both she and my mom had told me to not be stressed, and that the prayer about being thankful for motherhood is good because I am thanking Him for something that I will have someday. And they also both pointed out that I am kind of a mother already. Maybe not a "real" mom but a step-mom counts too. ( yeah yeah yeah)
We get to my cousin's house and everyone does introductions, and no one brings up there kids! What! How can this be?? It actually turned out to be a great night. Kids came up for a little bit, but it wasn't a bragging fest, it was more of how can we be good Catholic parents? I actually had some things to say during this conversation, I may not know what it's like to have been pregnant, or have an infant ( Gabe was only 3 when I met him) , but I do have a responsibility to Gabe to be the best step-mom I can be. To be a good Catholic wife and a good example to those around me. I'm really glad I went to the class. It's only once a month so I think I can handle it.
Thank you all for your kind words yesterday. I was just having one of those rough days. In the class we talked about asking God for his grace to get threw anything we need, and he will always give it to us. I just need to remember that, He will give me grace to get threw this IF thing, all I have to do is ask! :)

Baaaad morning!

2010-10-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

Ok so I'm blaming this one on AF. She isn't here yet, but she is definitely on her way! I think I might be over emotional regarding this situation.
Here it is: I have my first Familia class tonight. The title is "Called to Authentic Feminism" When my cousin posted about this class on her FB page, all she said was that it was for all women. It sounds like a wonderful class, and my older sister has done a few of the Familia classes and loved them. So after I get the workbook in the mail I notice a few things. One is that this is part of the "Motherhood" series, and Two, the opening prayer that we are to pray is all about thanking God for letting us be mothers! This bothered me a little bit when I first noticed these things, but I assumed that surely not everyone going were mothers. Yesterday my cousin sent out an email about the class, and just for fun (maybe a little creepy?) I checked out her FB to see who all these women are, and to make sure at least one of them isn't a mother! Wrong, wrong, wrong! All of them have toddlers! Every single one! And to top it all off one of them is pregnant with her first child, and she just got married 2 months ago!
I lost it last night, I just keep thinking that this will become a baby fest and all they will want to talk about is what their two year old did that day. Maybe I'm being over dramatic here, but I just wanted to be apart of a good Catholic group of women who I could be friends with, and learn about our faith. I feel like as I get older, everyone either has babies, or if they don't it's because 1) they don't want them, or 2) they are engaged or newly married and are expecting to conceive soon.
I would love to have some friends who aren't always talking about their kids, or on the other side, talking bad about people who do have kids. Is there a happy medium in this? I'm just not sure where my life is going right now. Ugh!

Anywhay, I was thinking about how this would be a good opportunity to offer this up to Him for all of you and all who are suffering. But I'm really not sure how. I mean I can say it, but do I really offer it up? Am I supposed to feel different when I do? I guess all I can do is try, and hopefully tonight won't be as bad as I think.

My Prayer

2010-10-11T12:35:00.001-07:00

There seems to be allot of emotional distress round these parts lately. My self included. Some times the burden of IF seems to much to handle and I am so glad we are all here to give each other support. It reminds us that we are not alone with this.
Every day I pray for all of you, and every Sunday during Mass I pray the same prayer for all of you, and maby selfishly, myself.

Dear Lord,
please protect those of us struggling with IF. Help us to know that You are there for us and have not abandoned us. Help us all find peace with whatever life you have in store for us. Bring us courage and strength for the pain and suffering we must endure. And if it be your will, please let every one of us experience motherhood, either threw natural ways or adoption. Please let us all experience being called "Mommy" and sharing your love with the world. Please Lord let us all enjoy this gift you have given to women, that would bring us to feel complete in our womanhood.
Amen.

I hope this prayer brings us all the peace that we so desperately need. :) And some babies too!

Just stuff.

2010-10-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

This post isn't about anything in particular. Just blogging to blog! :)
I'll get some pics up this weekend of my beautiful surroundings. I did find some pics of the trails that we jog on online, I find it difficult to jog with a camera in hand! lol I couldn't find any pics of the trial in the fall, but these will have to do:

and another one:

Did I ever mention I love the Fall time? It is so beautiful with the changing of the leaves, I never get tired of looking at the trees! I know I'm a dork! haha.

My cousin has started a Familia class that will start next week. It's called "Called to Authentic Feminism" I am super excited to join this group of women and really be surrounded by good Catholic women IRL. My cousin is a few years older, so when we were younger we didn't hang out much. But now that we are all adults, it's nice that we can be friends. My cousin has an adopted son, her husband has some issue with his sperm, so again its going to be great to be around people who have a sense of what I am going through, and also are like minded. I can't wait to tell you all about this class and what we have learned. Have any of you ever done this class?

I am still looking for work. I wonder what the Lord has in store for me.. I have applied at numerous places, many of which I should have been more than qualified for, and I have gotten a few emails back saying they have gone with other people, or I just haven't heard anything back at all. I have complete faith in the Lord that he will get us threw this time and there is a way for us to survive! He has a plan for us and I just have to be patient. But is it wrong that I hate waiting!? ;)

Country Living!!

2010-10-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

I love it!! I am lovin living in the country right now. It's peaceful and quiet. I love the trees and the birds. I could do without the mosquito's though. I've gotten bitten so much in the past few weeks it's insane! No one else gets bit, just me. I guess I've got super sweet blood! lol. But I think I might be allergic to the bites. I've gotten quite a few that have swelled up to the size of a golf ball. That is one of my only complaints. The other is that we are about 15-20 min from the nearest grocery store. But since we aren't really doing any shopping right now, it's not bad!
I love our new church. It's a relatively new church in the area. Everyone used to have to go to the next town over for Mass, but about 5 years ago the demand was so great for a Catholic church in the area, a local farm donated part of it's land for a new church. It's plain and ugly inside, but the priest is wonderful! The music is horrific, but thankfully the priest makes up for that. He tells it like it is, and is really on fire for the faith. Every Sunday we pray for the end to ab.or.ti.on . Fr prays for us to all to accept God's will for our lives and to ask God every day for His help. Now if we could just get rid of the "choir" it would be the best church I've ever been to! ;)
I've been busy babysitting for all my sisters. I've had to let them all know that I need to look for real work and that I can't babysit every single day. But I don't mind helping out. I love my nieces and nephews. They are all so cute and fun to be around. And we are so close to Gabe. We get to pick him up 2 weekends a month. We meet halfway so it's only an hour drive.
I've also been jogging! I never jog, and NEVER run! I hate running. But I can jog around the neighborhood and not worry about stray dogs, or crazy drivers. My sister C and I also go to the park to jog, and its wonderful. I love to be in the park with all the trees and little creeks and ponds! Jogging has gotten easier and I think I might be loosing some lbs! I don't have a scale, but I have a pair of jeans that are fitting a little bit better!
Well, It's my step dads birthday today so I've got to go make a cake for him while he's out! Happy Monday all! :)

All in the Family

2010-09-24T12:40:00.000-07:00

These are the only facts that I knew about my family. My Grandmother only had one child. My mother. She had several miscarriages and the doctors told her she had to have a hysterectomy. When I first realized there was a problem with me I tried to talk to my G-ma about it, i wanted to know if there was any family history that I should know to tell the Drs. G-ma said no that it was nothing that is just what they did back then.
The other day I was talking to my G-ma and she tells me that she had cysts on her ovaries and the Dr.'s said that is probably why she had so many miscarriages and had to have a hysterectomy. OMG!!! Really!! I knew that I couldn't be the only one with PCOS. There are so many women in my family it just didn't make sense that no one else had PCOS. Of course no one knew what that was 60 + years ago, but I had asked my G-ma and my mom several times about G-ma's IF issues. My mom then tells me that G-ma's sister only had 2 children and it was very difficult for her to even have 2! Also my mom's cousin was told she couldn't have children. They adopted one and did actually get pg and have one child of their own. But no one will talk about what was wrong, what did the Dr's say ... nothing.
I just want to know that I am not a mutant in the family! It sometimes gets really hard when all of my sisters have so many children, and easily get pg. My mom does this healing prayer in her parish. People come from all over IN and OH to come see her and the other ministers here. She has wanted me to do the healing prayer because she thought that she was the reason that I have PCOS. She was such an emotional mess when she was pg with me, she said she was near suicidal. This was when she found out my father was having an affair and was basically going to leave her with nothing and 5 children to care for. So when I found out about my G-ma I told my mom that its just what I knew it had to be.. It's hereditary! Everywhere I read says that a women who has PCOS also has a grandmother, mother, or sister who also has PCOS.
I just wanted to know where it came from! Now I do, and as soon as we get insurance again I'll be able to give all the facts to my Dr.

Oh, and BTW E got a job!!! whoo whooo! It doesn't pay as much as we'd like, but it's a start and we are very blessed that he was able to get a job so quickly. Thank you all who prayed for us. :)

AF ... always on time.

2010-09-21T08:04:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy since we got here! And also only one computer for the entire household, and my mother is working from home while her new office is being built, so computer time is limited! lol
This past weekend was great because we got to pick up Gabe for the weekend. We are only 2 & 1/2 hours away so we meet halfway, and it's not a bad drive. There was a church festival this weekend, so we went there with my family. Gabe had a blast, there were rides and food and music. On Friday night Elvis was there! lol I think it's pretty funny that all the time I lived in Vegas I have never seen an Elvis impersonator, and I move to IN and I get to see one in concert! lol :)
The first weekend we were here, my Uncle Bob, (who is actually a cousin) is a Priest. He comes to visit the family once a year and luckily I was here this time. I haven't seen him in over 7 years. We had dinner for him and afterwards he did some healing prayer on those of us who wanted it. So my mom pushes me forward to get prayed over for the IF issues. I have never had anyone pray over me for this situation or asked anyone for prayers for help in this area of my life. I am so glad that Fr Bob was able to pray over me. I felt lifted up and refreshed when he was done. It was really just an amazing experience. When there is something wrong with you and someone who is Holy prays over you and asks God to help you with it, it's wonderful.
But at the same time I think it put an unrealistic ideals into my head. I knew that AF was coming soon, but I didn't have allot of PMS or any of my usual symptoms. On our move, I kept thinking that this was the month it would happen! I just knew that I was pg. Maby that is also because everyone kept telling me that as soon as I moved they just knew that I would get pg. So I was hopeful. Then I get prayed over and I am just ecstatic that this is the month! this is it! But it wasn't.
This past Friday AF showed up. I knew it would because I started cramping on Thursday and I'm charting and it all pointed to AF coming to town. This was a hard one for me. Sometimes AF doesn't bother me. I mean I hate when it shows up because it's another failed month, but I'm aware that it will be there and I'm not thinking that I could be pg. So those months I am ok. But then on times like this where I feel that this is the time, somehow I just know that I am pg, and AF shows up... It's horrible. I feel like a failure. I start to wonder when or if I will ever be pg. Will I be an old mother? will I ever be a mother at all? Lots of questions clog up my mind, and I have to make myself stop thinking about these things. I have to pray and remind myself to put all my trust in Him. It is very hard. But I try and try to not get depressed about it.
I am super happy though that I was prayed over by such a wonderful Priest. I am trying not to get my hopes up though right now. If the prayers work that would be awesome, but I also know that we don't always get everything that we pray for.

Well, now I'm being kicked off the computer! It's time for me and my mom's daily walk around the neighborhood. :)

10 Things About me....

2010-09-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

So I was tagged by Some how, Some way, Some day , I'm not sure if I have 10 things to say ... but I'll try! :)

1. I love love love to read. I love to read almost anything, give me a book and a cup of coffee, and I'm set for life! :) My favorite type of books are mystery, murder and love. A book with all three.. even better!

2. I'm not a big fan of Restaurants. I love to cook my own food. I can see a recipe on tv or if we eat out, I can always make a better version of it at home. I love cooking, I love to make lots of food and feed everyone till they are stuffed and then give them more food! I get very upset if someone doesn't eat the food that I make. I can't help it!

3. I was home-schooled most of my life. And I loved it! I was home schooled 1-3,8th and 11 & 12th grade,I went to Catholic school 4-7 and the public high school for 9-10. I hated school. I am very disorganized, and have ADD. Homeschooling was perfect for me and I learned so much more than at "regular" school. I never missed out on social events, and knew everyone at "regular" school before I even went!

4. I love spending time with my husband. Well.. maby you already know that! I could spend all day with him just hanging out doing nothing, and be completely happy. We make each other laugh all the time and can talk for hours. If we were stranded on a deserted island together, alone, I would never get tired of being with him. :)

5. I have road rage. Bad! I hate being behind slow people, and beep my horn if you get in my way! I yell alot in the car, and people are usually surprised to hear me say that. I am pretty calm around most people. I do have a fiery temper that flares up and then dies down pretty quick. Sometimes I have to make myself drive in the slow lane and not think about the people around me so I can stay calm. It's pretty bad. I speed alot and so far since I've started driving have only had one ticket! not bad! :)

6. I have 6 sisters, one brother and one step-brother. So far there is 23 grand kids, with one on the way, and one great grandchild. I love having a big family, lots of babies to cuddle on! :)

7. I really don't care about having a career. I know that sounds so bad, but I don't. I love being a wife, and hopefully someday a mother. My job is just a job. I don't like being stressed out at work, and I don't really want to be anything specific. I want to take care of my family, I want to make dinner and do the laundry and keep my house nice for my husband. I work because I have to, not because I want to.

8. I have a hard time saying no. I hate to hurt others feelings by saying no. When I tell someone no, I always feel like they are so disappointed in me and are upset that I can't help them. I've been working on it, but then if I do say no, I feel so guilty that I end up doing something else for the person that I really don't want to just so they feel better!

9. I am very clumsy. I have no real talents other than cooking. My handwriting is horrible, I'm messy, I can't sew or draw or make anything look nice except for food. I do an awesome presentation every time! Other than that, everything I touch looks messy. No matter how nice or neat I try to make something it always ends up looking like a 5 year old did it. Like wrapping presents, I think I do a good job, but then when I'm done and see the finished project, it looks terrible! lol.

10. I'm not a huge fan of sports. I like watching the UFC. I got way into that years ago and watch it all the time. I know the moves and what's going on. E and I watch every one, and the show on S.pike TV. I kinda like football but I don't get that into it. I played soccer twice a year for 8 years, and loved it. But I hate watching it, it's boring!

11. I love animals. They are so innocent and they need us to take care of them. I'm a sucker for sad eyes. I wish that animals could talk and let us know what it is that they need. I wish that our pets lived as long as we do. I hate losing a pet, I never get over it entirely. I always feel guilty that I didn't spend enough time with them. I really hope that my pets will be in heaven. Even though I know that they don't have souls, I don't think it says in the Bible anything about what happens to our pets when they die. So I'm hopeful! :)

Well, I guess I did have a few things to say! lol :)

I'm Baaack!!

2010-09-13T11:21:00.000-07:00

We finally made it!! We left on Tuesday Sept 7th and got here on Friday Sept 10th.
It wasn't as bad a trip as I was worried about. Actually it was really nice! E and I took our time driving, stopped whenever we needed to. We saw some interesting things, and got to see the country! :) I'm really glad that I got to do this with E.
We started the trip with rain, and ended with rain! It rained almost the entire trip. Poor E was waiting all summer for rain, and it finally did the day we left! lol. But once we got to the Hoover Dam it stopped and was beautiful all the way till we got to OK. Sorry Sara, but OK was the worst part of the trip! As we were driving into OK from TX you could see a huge black cloud that didn't stop as far as you could see. One min it was sunny and literally as we drove into OK it started to rain! Then it poured down and as night time came it was foggy and really hard to see anything! That was scary for me, I hate driving in the fog, if it was just rain it would have been better, but we made it threw, and had to stop in Oklahoma City for the night because it was just to hard to drive in that! It was still raining in the morning, but not as bad, and rained the entire rest of the trip.
But the creepiest place to drive threw was definitely TX! All I could think of as we were driving threw was the Texas Chainsaw Massacre! I know that I shouldn't be scared of that, but it was a true story!!!
I kept thinking that we were going to get pulled over by some hillbilly cop who would kill us and eat us! It was very scary, there was nothing around for miles, and once in a while there was a old scary looking restaurant or house all by itself. Luckily we didn't have to stop in TX at all. We passed up this one little town, and I mean little! Like you could see it from beginning to end. There was one street, a few houses, a church, restaurant, motel, and gas station. There was no way I could imagine anyone actually wanting to stay there! They probably served people burgers at the restaurant! And as we were driving by there was a junk yard on the side of the freeway, full of all types of cars. There was a huge barn and a big building that I think might have been a silo or something like that, but it was old and had some windows broken out of the barn, and next to all the broken cars, there were semi trucks all beat up and broken. Now that didn't freak me out till I saw what looked like a new Fed Ex truck broken down in the junk yard. It was still white, but the back was all beat up. That is when my imagination just took off. I decided that the people in this town prey on people who's vehicles break down or maby go to the restaurant, and take them to the barn and that is where they kill em and eat em! AHHH!! IT was super scary driving threw that area. I was so glad when we finally made it to a city! lol.

We also saw alot of beautiful scenery. At one point as we were driving into a storm there was a HUGE rainbow that you could see from start to finish. It was the most brilliant beautiful rainbow I have ever seen in my life. You could make out every single color, like someone took markers and just drew them into the sky. It was hard to take your eyes off of it. E got a pic as he was driving, but it just didn't do it justice. And as I was looking at it, it turned out there was a double rainbow, the second one was fainter but still that was the most beautiful thing I've seen.

I'm really happy that we made the trip and got to see so much of God's beautiful country that He gave us. It really was an amazing trip. Once we saw the sign for Indiana, it was like YESSS!!! We made it! It still feels like we are on vacation though.
Oh, and thank you Prayer Buddy for all your prayers, E got a call while we were on the road for a job! He did the phone interview on Friday and has the in person interview on Wednesday! Were keeping our fingers crossed! :)

Last post .. (for now)

2010-09-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

So the time has come for us to disconnect the internet and pack up our computer. The movers are coming tomorrow morning to pick up all our stuff, and we will be on the road Tuesday afternoon. All the paperwork for the house has been signed and we are offically out! I thank St. Joseph everyday that we were able to sell the house in this market. Its a miracle that the bank accepted the offer and we were able to get out of this house.
I havn't been commenting much but I sure have been reading the blogs every chance I get! You girls are so awesome and I am so glad that I have you all in my life! :)
We figure it will take 3-4 days to get to our final destination. We weren't able to find a transporter cheap enough for us to use, so we are going with our original plan to drive both vehicles. I'm not quite as nurvous as I was about it before, so I've been praying everyday that we just have a safe drive.

E and I were talking the other day about our move and I told him I'm a little concerned about all the people out there asking about why don't I have kids ect.. and he said to just tell them that his sperm chase their tails! We cracked up about that and I said I'll tell em that my eggs are scrambled and see what they say about that! lol :)
I'm super excited to be moving closer to my family, and I'm glad E is there with me. My family is ready for us to get there already.
Please keep us in your prayers for a safe trip and as soon as I get to my parents house I will be on this blog to catch up with you all! :)

Greetings from my Cold Room!

2010-08-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

YAY Its Monday! (Sike!) I am so ready to be done with work already!!!
Anyway, the day after my last post about how our a/c broke, we bought a standing a/c for just our bedroom so at least we could sleep. We found it real cheap on Craigs list. I love that site, we have sold so many things and bought some great stuff on there, like our Roomba. That thing is amazing! So for a few days only our room was cool, and the rest of the house was 99 all day and night! Finally yesterday it started to cool off and it was only 98 outside today! So thankful that we were able to find this portable a/c! :) It really has been such a help.
We are almost done packing, and I say almost because we keep finding things to pack that for some reason we didn't know we even had! lol Our giveaway pile is getting huge too. I think we are pretty much ready to go, but I'm still not feelin the drive out there. We heard from some friends about another way to ship our car, and might be cheaper, so we just started looking into that, hopefully (praying*) that we find someone who is cheap enough for us.

So Saturday we had an interesting evening. You IFrs will love this one.
We went out to dinner with some friends of ours. Were not really good friends, but we've bbq'd together and hung out a few times. We met this couple at the RCIA when E came fully into the Church. Right away we thought she was a little off in the head, but she just leached onto us like we could be her only friends there. When we met her boyfriend (who is Catholic and they are living together and she has kids and they are not even close to getting married!) we really liked him. Their living situation is a little annoying to me though. They are quite a few years older than us, but we all got along for the most part. I have a little beef with her. She is very inappropriate, and I think disrespectful towards me sometimes. It's very subtle, but it is there and E sees it too. She had made a comment about a text that E sent on accident to her and then gave him a hi-five, it was super awkward, E was uncomfortable, and her boyfriend was a little red in the face! That pissed me off, but then she asked me about the baby making situation.
I gave a brief sum up of what was going on, and then she says to me
"When you move it will just happen, you'll be relaxed and that is always when it happens. Always when the woman is relaxed they just get pregnant!"
So that comment alone, I probably would have laughed in my head about it, but I was already so annoyed with her that I wanted to rip her arm off and slap her with it! For sure I am not going to miss these people!! Most of the night was fun and we had a good time, but for that few moments during dinner, I wanted to just leave.
Why did we go out with them? Like I said we like him, and she's ok when she's not being rude, and we haven't been out in a while, and they were paying with some comps they got for the restaurant. So I put up with it for a nice free meal! HAHA! :) So yeah, I put my self in the situation, but never again! That was too much to deal with.

My Prayer Buddy is Awesome!!! :)

2010-08-25T18:45:00.001-07:00

I just want to say thanks so much to my prayer buddy WheelbarrowRider at Life from Inside the Wheelbarrow. I got your gift in the mail the other day and it is so so nice! Thank you~! :)
She sent me this book on ST Gerard, I didn't know that much about him, but now I've learned about his life and why he is the patron saint of motherhood. Also St Gerard is from the same area in Italy that my family is from! I just thought that was pretty cool! Also she sent some beautiful holy cards, one of st Gerard, and another to St Raphael, and one with a prayer to the Holy Spirit. Another little thing that I just think is so neat, is that Raphael is a family name! My Grandmother is Raffaella, and several other people in my family have the name. I know I;m a dork, but I think stuff like that is so neat! Thank you so much for the gifts! :)

I am reading all your blogs but not able to make alot of comments, we are really trying to get everything packed and ready to go for the move, and yesterday the air conditioner broke! It is 100 degrees inside the house! It will cost us $1200.00 to fix and we just don't have the $$ to do it! We are going to have to work something out with the buyers... ugh! But you are all in my thoughts and prayers every day, and I'm going to try to post and comment as much as possible before the move, then i;ll be taking a week or so off to get settled in.

moving!

2010-08-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

We have a moving date! Finally! Sept 7th. After the holiday craziness on the roads we are outta here! We still have so much to pack up and get the cars ready for the trip.. it's exhausting just thinking about it. We found a moving company that is relativly cheap $800.00 and to save $1000.00 we are both driving. I really wanted to transport one of the cars, but E just won't have it. He said it costs way to much, but I'm being a baby about it because I hate driving. I don't mind it for a little bit, but I've done this drive before and it sucks! Actually I've done it twice. Once threw the north, and once threw the south. The north is way more boring! No offense to anyone who lives in KS but it was like driving in the twilight zone! Nothing around as far as the eye could see and it really was the longest part of the trip.
So we are going the southern route. Threw AZ, NM, TX, OK, I think part of MO? and IL and IN. Total of 29 hours 1 min per mapquest. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it! ugh!
Anywhay, I gave my two weeks at work, and my boss is very upset. If you remember I quit about 5 months ago to another job for more $$ that turned out to be horrible, and my boss finally offerd me a raise to come back, so I did and now 3 months later I'm leaving again. This time for good. He offerd me more $$, he offerd my hubbs a job, anything to get us to stay! He said what the heck is out there? people move from there to Vegas, not the other way around! lol I felt soo bad, but its what we've wanted and its for the best! We prayed about this for years! I always asked that if we were supposed to move that the oppertunity would present itself, and it did, so we took it. I'm not having any doughts about moving, I'm just nervouse! :)

So Tuesday was CD1. sigh. I knew it was coming, but it was another 28 day cycle, wich is wierd for me to have 2 short cycles so close together. Usually I only have one short one a year. But this time I also didn't have bad cramps. I had some, but not enough to make me feel sick or tired. I also wasn't very grumpy or sad or anything! Well, in the morning I was, but I think that was because of the situation, not AF. There is construction going on right in front of my office, and I didn't know about it, so getting off the highway I turned to go to work, and the road was closed! I could only go back onto the highway! I was soo mad, and right there there isn't an exit close by to turn around at, I had to drive pretty far to turn around and then I was late! I was grumpy then for a little bit, but most of the day I was pretty happy! Maby it's all the vitamins? or the diet?

Speaking of diet, I'm still working on it. It is hard to go low GI. Sometimes I'm not even sure what to eat! There doesn't seem to be a clear cut way of eating low GI. I know lots of veggies, and fruits, and legumes. I can have pasta thank goodness! So mostly I'm eating low carb, and the carbs I do eat is mainly the pasta because I know I can eat that!

Happy Anniversary to all you bloggers out there this month! Ther sure is alot of you!

Playing Hooky

2010-08-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

I played hooky from work yesterday and I'm so glad I did! Eric had flown Gabe back to his mom's Sat, and he didn't get back till Sunday night. So I had the entire weekend to myself. I don't mind being alone, and it was nice to be in a quiet place for a day. I bought some wine and a magazine and had a relaxing night to myself. But I missed Eric so much. I hate being away from him, and truthfully I'm scared of the dark. I had a hard time going to sleep without him being here.
I was so happy to see him get home on Sunday night, but it was pretty late and we stayed up all night talking and cuddling! ;) heehee.
So upon waking on Monday morning my alarm goes off and Eric says, "why don't you just stay home today?" I pondered this for a while, my body said "yes stay home and in bed!" but my guilt about not being at work to take care of my accounts wanted me to just suck it up and go in. But I decided to listen to my tired body and my heart, and stayed home with the hubbs! We slept in and then went to the Mountains to take a hike in nature. I love being outside in the fresh air. I hate the dirt and bugs, but other than that I love the outdoors. :) We were both pretty tired, and didn't make it too far up the mountain, actually we dilly dallied around and just talked and leisurely strolled around the woods. It was so relaxing and wonderful to just spend the day with my hubbs. He is awesome, so loving and kind. He's really the best! :)
I don't feel guilty at all now for taking the day off. Being with my husband was the best day ever! :)

Prayer Buddy Reveal!

2010-08-15T15:50:00.000-07:00

This summer I was very excited to get to pray for
Transformed Hearts @ http://transformedhearts.blogspot.com/
I had never read her blog before, so it was really nice getting to know someone new!
TH is so cute, and such a great mommy. She has one little girl that is absolutly adorable, and another girl on the way! I have been praying to Our Lady of Lourdes for her, for her health, so she can stay cancer free and to continue being a great mom, for her baby's health, and her daughters happiness. Also her cat Bella... ;)
TH is such a sweet and wonderful person, I'm very glad I got paired up with her this season. :)

What's that pain? and other stuff...

2010-08-11T19:01:00.000-07:00

It's been tooo long since I've been on here! I have had some awesome posts in my head, but have been too exhausted to post! Work got really stressfull for a while there and it just wiped me out!
We are also getting ready for Gabe to go back to his mom's house this weekend. :( It was amazing having him here for the summer. We have had such a good time. But I'll post about that this weekend.
I have to post about this little pain I was getting last week in my lower abdomen on the right side, then it moved to the left side, then back to the right side. This lasted for 2 days on days 14 & 15 of my cycle. During this time I also was having some nice CM and my temps started elevating! Could this mean I ovulated!? Or my body is trying to ovulate? Something for sure was going on down there and I'm not positive. My temps were like this
Day 12: 97.9
Day 13: 98.1
Day 14: 98.1
Day 15: 98.0
Day 16: 98.1
Day 17, 18, 19 and 20 : 98.2
and today Day 21: 97.9

This is amazing for my temps to be like this. They hardly ever go up so high and for so long! Something is definatly changing down there but again I'm not positive, and maby it was just this once. We'll see for next cycle, but I just went over my charts and since I've been back at charting my temps are getting better with each cycle!
I've been taking my Thyroid medication, a multi vitamin. Vit D, & B6 for the last 4 cycles. I've been trying to excersize daily and keep up the low GI diet. It's not easy but I'm definatley encouraged by my chart results!

Oh and I just wanted to say also that I have the best Hubby and step son in the world! I was so stressed last week with work, and Gabe kept brining up his new little sister that he is going to have, and I just lost it one night and broke down crying to E. So E and Gabe decided to surprise me on the weekend with something nice. They blindfolded me in the car and drove me to an undisclosed place... When they took off the blindfold I was at a Massage place! I have never been before, and I'm definatly going to go again! I had a 90 min Swedish Hot Stone Massage! AMAZING!!! If you have never had one you have to go! It is so worth it! I got everything massaged from my head to my fingertips to my toes! Who knew that you could build up stress in your toes! I felt like butter afterwards. It was the best gift I've ever gotten! :)

Now I've gotta go spend some more time with Gabe before he leaves me! :(

Just a Bug...

2010-08-01T18:51:00.000-07:00

So I definatly had some kind of 24 hour bug or something.. I did not POAS because I was pretty positive that it would be a waste. But the hope is still alive that someday it will happen! :) Really I felt better the next day and have been fine all week. Also I do take my temps and they were not in the right area for any positive test. But on that note, they have gone up a smigen!
Last cycle they went up for a few days which almost never happens, but promptly plummeted down to IF status. But, at the end of my cycle I did have a wierd rise in my temps a few days before AF came. So far this cycle, my temps have been alright. My temps used to be around 96.5 or so, but for the past few cycles they have been around 97.7, and today it was up to 98.0! whoo whooo! That means something right? I'm on day 12 and already starting to have some nice CM. It's been so rare for the last few months, I can't help but to get excited for it! lol.

I have to get my bloodwork for my thyroid this week, I'll probably go on Friday. I have shows to watch during the week that keep me up to late to get it done before work. The lab opens at 5, so I usually get there about 6 and make it to work by 8. There is a lab halfway between my house and my office, and it takes FOREVER to get anything done there, but it is the closest one to my work, so I kinda have to go to that one. I'm pretty sure we'll have to up the meds again, and hopefully my doc will give me enough prescription to last till after we move and I can get a new doc.

Speaking of moving, we really don't know when we are leaving. Our closing date was supposed to have been July 25th. But a few weeks before, the bank counterd us, and wanted us to pay some astranomical closing costs. We told them to suck it and that we weren't paying them a dime, ok really we didn't say that, but thats what we wanted to say! ;) So after we counterd back, it took them 2 weeks to get back to our Realtor, and they accepted our offer. So we don't owe anything, which is amazing. We are really lucky.
So now we have to wait for the investors, and the Bank to call us. After they call us it will be another 3 weeks for the new closing date. So it may be another month or 2 before we actually move outta here!

I'm ready to move, but the longer we stay the more $$ we'll be able to save for the move and to last us a while till we find new jobs. It's been hard trying to find jobs accross the country, and not knowing when we'll even be out there. So I'm probably not allowed to do this, but Prayer Buddy if you can please pray that we'll be able to find jobs when we move, that would be great! :)

Happy Sunday everyone, and have a great week! :)

It could happen .. Right?

2010-07-28T19:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen that show I didn't know I was Pregnant? . Today I couldn't help but to think would if that is me? This is what happened. Yesterday I woke up super sick. My stomach hurt so bad, I was nauseous all day, then again this morning. I have had cramps almost all day like I'm going to start my period. Of course I'm not because I already had my period last week. But I'm telling E and he is worried about me being so sick, so he tells me that I must be pregnant! What! So I amuse him and ask why he thinks that. Here is his logic... You can be pregnant and still have a period, and my period was very short only 2 days and no spotting like normal afterwards, why else would I have morning sickness, and cramps?
OMG I'm married to a crazy person! I laughed at him and he said I should take a test when I get home from work. I shrugged it off but all anyone has to do is plant a seed into my IF mind and it goes running off like a race horse!
I of course know that E's logic is nonsense, but I couldn't help but to think what if? Maby I'm about to give birth and have no idea! Maby the cramps are contractions! I could be anywhere and all of a sudden pop out a baby! According to this show it has happened! ;)
The cramping has subsided, but it was weird. I'm not sure what that was all about, but I'm kinda disappointed that this wasn't happening a week ago and I could of hoped that I would be late to actually finally take a PGTest. I have never taken one. I've never been late, I've never had a chance to take a test. Even if it came back with a BFN I would like to just have that little bit of hope that it could happen..

Background Check

2010-07-27T19:53:00.001-07:00

So since there were a few questions about E's ex and stuff I thought I would give a quick review of how we came to be. First off, E was never married before. E and C (his ex) were very young and kindof dating when she found out she was preggo. They tried to make it work for their child, but it didn't last very long. I met E right before Gabe turned 3 and C was already living with another guy. So a few years, a few guys and a few nightmare incidences later... C got married to her husband S. C has always from the beginning tried to make me jealous of her and E and to this day it has never worked. She was always mad that E married me so quickly and they were never even engaged, so I'm kindof used to it by now, but it still annoys the crap outof me when she tries to show off. So that's that.

Now my wonderful "friend" S at work... I have been praying about calling CPS and I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to do it out of anger, but I don't want those kids to be living in that kind of environment. But also at the same time, who knows if calling CPS would be the right thing, because sometimes the CPS makes things way worse for the kids than the parents. So I just keep praying about what to do and that S can change...

My Bizzaro World

2010-07-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

Ok so I havn't left you all! Ive just been very busy, with work, we had a slumber party for the entire weekend (whew! glad thats over!) and a birthday party. I'll be all caught up soon I promise! Thanks for all your advice girls! I went ahead and bought the b6 and mucinex and I'll keep you posted on how that goes! :)
So to the title of my post... As I get closer to my period I always feel like I'm in a Bizzaro world. I am normally a very positive, happy the glass is half full kind of person. Nothing really bothers me and I always wonder why people get so upset about the littlest things. Don't get me wrong, I have that bad Italian temper that gets the best of me, but that sizzles and dies pretty quick. So the past week, I've been so crazy in my head, getting upset at everything, I can't hardly muster a genuine laugh I'm so upside down. It only lasts a week, but I am a completely different person during this week. I get these crazy cravings for chocolate, chips and pasta. Every little thing annoys me to the point where sometimes I have to go be by myself because I don't want to be mean to anyone. E says its not all that bad, but in my mind I can feel this huge difference in how I think and feel about things, I hate it.
Yesterday was cd1 and my cramps were so bad I had to stay home from work. I slept most of the day with a heating pad on.

Gabe's birthday was on Tuesday, and we had a little party for him, it was alot of fun, but his mother had to ruin it for me. (I told you, I was in my bizzaro mood) She had sent him a birthday card with a picture of her ultrasound in it! WTH!! REally!? every time she calls she always tells him that he's going to be a big brother.. yadda, yadda, yadda. I saw that pic and almost threw up. I couldn't be happy for him. It just seemed like a slap in the face, she knows that we are having a hard time conceiving, and still I just felt like this was a "haha, were having a baby and your not" kind of thing. I mean she is like that, so I'm probably not that far off in my thinking, but then I felt horrible that I got so upset about it. Is it really that bad? Why should it bother me like that? I blame it on Bizzaro.

Then today, I'm almost out of this Bizzaro mood of mine, I was walking on my break at work, like I do everyday and remember that horrible "friend" of mine who was so rude to me? Well she came with me along with another girl, M. M is having trouble getting pg, she is having secondary infertility, her only child is now 12. So M has been talking to me a little bit about the if thing. So we are just talking about work and M asked me if there was any new news on the IF front, I said no not yet ect.. and I asked how she was doing... Then S (the rude one) says Oh I'm late on my period! Then she goes on to tell us how she was so sure that she just couldnt be because they alway pull out and only one time he didn't but she flushed those sperm down the drain as soon as they were done! Ok I am in utter shock at this point as to why in the world she would say any of this to two women who are trying to get pg and she knows that both of us are having trouble! WOW! I know that S is just an ignorant person, but this is probably the most inconsiderate thing I have ever had anyone say to me. She just had a baby in Feb, and that was right after she had a miscarriage. And that baby may not have even been her husbands! I am so sick of her, and her ridiculousness. Really, she might be pg again!? how is this even allowed to happen?
Later after lunch S comes up to me to tell me about this crazy night she had last night with her sister. They were getting high and driving around trying to find a gas station with her baby in the car crying! As soon as she said her baby was in the car I asked her why are you driving around high with your child in the car? She said "oh it wasn't like I was baked or anything" Then she says that they had to go into the gas station to get drinks b/c they were baked and had cotton mouth. Again WOW! Also this girl has a picture of her little 4 year old boy drinking a beer on FB! I am seriously thinking of calling CPS on her.
One of my friends who used to work with us asked me how can God let someone like her have children, and someone like me can't. She said it just isn't fair. I don't really think of it as being fair or not, but that this is Gods plan. I am so mad at her for treating her children this way, but it doesn't make it not fair for me to not have children. I don't know what God has planned for her, He knows her and what she does and doesn't do. If He allows her to have children then I have to accept that. Nowhere does it say that life has to be fair. It isn't and it sucks, but I can't change it. So I'm upset for her children,and I'm mad at her, but I'm not mad at God for letting her have kids.

Where oh where are you CM?

2010-07-13T19:29:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering where this CM has gone?? A few months back it was here and loud and proud! But over the past few months it has been drier than the Sahara! I have no idea what happend. I wasn't drinking coffee, I've been on this diet, I've been excersizing daily. What is going on??? Does anyone know of any home remedies to bring it back?? Its been really annoying to have to deal with. I feel so bad for poor E, he understands but I hate it!
So I was doing really good with no coffee at all! But I have been craving a Caramel Macchiato so I took Gabe with me on Sunday. We went to the used book store, which I love more than any other store :), and then went to Starbucks. Gabe got this HUGE cookie, I mean it was seriously the size of his head! And of course I got my Caramel Macchiato, as I was drinking it I looked over and saw this:

I almost choked on my drink! Only a IF would think that this was funny. :) I told E and he just rolled his eyes.lol.

Oh, Ann, I made your recipe for the faux rice, and it was pretty good! I wasn't sure how it would taste, but I had it with my taco salad, and it just took on the taste of the taco seasoning. The "rice" gave it just enough oomph to it to make it more filling. Thanks! :)

4th update, and I'm an awesome step mom!

2010-07-06T19:58:00.001-07:00

The 4th was pretty cool this year. We usually buy our illegal fireworks and blow em up in the street with our neighbors, but last year someone's palm tree caught on fire in our neighborhood, and there were lots of police patrolling the area this year! lol. So we went to Lake Las Vegas. It was so beautifull there, but it was unbelievealbly hot! We were so sweaty it was awefull! But I am glad that there are no mosquito's out here! There was a live band and they had a group of guys showing off there b boy skills! According to Gabe it was "sick!" After the fireworks show, the parking lot was jam packed! We were in the overflow lot and we sat there for 2 hours! But we had a good time just hanging out in the car. Gabe said he likes to just jam out in the car, so we cranked up the stereo and jammed out for 2 hours! lol so, last night Gabe hugged me and said I was the best step mom ever! I wanted to cry! He is so sweet. And I know I shouldn't be so happy about this, but he was on the phone with his mom tonight and I heard him tell her that he loves it here and doesn't want to leave our house. I can't help but to feel so proud that I have made a good home for him!

A little bit of everything!

2010-07-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

thank you all for your prayers and well wishes! Things are starting to get crazy and I'm getting nervous! I am a worry wort, and I can't help it! I hate not knowing the unknown. I want to know what job I'll have and where we'll live. I hate feeling this way.
I have to share some good news, my little sister just had baby #3! She has all girls, and they are the most beautiful kids I have ever seen! They are just so cute and so sweet, you can't help but to love them! :) Her husband is in the Army Reserves and is on his way oversees in a few months. He'll be gone for a year, so this will be pretty hard on my sister to have to raise those girls on her own. Please keep them in your prayers!

My older sister D is trying to sell her house and they just bought a new one, and she called me today to let me know that there closing date for the new house is the same as ours! She offered us their house that they still have on the market to live in rent free until we get jobs! That was an amazing offer and I was so excited, but we realized that there is no way we can live there even rent free. E has his unemployment but that just pays for our car bills, insurance, gas and child support. We wouldn't have enough $$ to pay for food, or the other bills, like water and electricity. So we had to pass at least for now. Were just going to have to stay at my parents house until we have a job. Hopefully that won't be too long! I mean I love my mom, but it;s hard living there in someone elses house with there rules, and my step dad is getting old and grouchy. But I'm glad we at least have a place to stay where we won't have any extra bills.

Nothing new on the IF front. My temps are still low. But higher than they've ever been! Still working on getting my thyroid in check. I have another few weeks till I have to get my blood work done.

My diet is going well, I've lost 6lbs! I'm so sick of eggs, and meat and salads! I just want some cheese and a tortilla! I have one more week of this no carbs thing, then I can just do the low GI. And that is how I'll have to live my life. I think I can handle that though. I can still have pasta and lentils. I have a new recipe book of low GI recipes. Looks pretty good, I'm ready to eat some good food! :)

So I need to vent a little here. I have this friend at work, S, she has allot of issues, but tries really hard most of the time to be a good person. She always asks my advise on how to be better and for a while we were getting to be pretty good friends. Then I started noticing that she tries to do whatever I do. If I'm on a diet and can't eat certain things, then she can't either, If I say something funny she'll use my joke over and over again to everyone she sees threw out the day. She even started dressing similarly to me. Its weird and kind of annoying but I know she just wants people to like her and she's trying not to be the "bad" girl that she has always been before. She has made lots of bad choices in her life, and her family is not very nice. But the past few days she's been kind of mean. She has two kids, one boy and one girl. Her girl is just a few months old, and she feels the need to talk about her all the time! Everyday she wants to show me a new picture and tell me that her daughter can lift her head now, and hold her bottle! It's over the top how she does it and she makes a huge production about it. She knows how long and how hard it has been for me with my IF. And yet she still gushes about her baby all day long! At first I was happy for her, but now I can't even fake smile anymore. Then on Friday she told me that she and her husband have to use the pull out method because she is afraid of getting pregnant, then she actually says to me that I am so lucky that I don't have to worry about getting pregnant! I almost punched her right in the face! I didn't say anything because I was afraid I might choke her! I had to go take a break and call E. I was so mad. I can't believe that anyone could be that stupid and that uncaring when she knows how I feel about my IF.
E says she is jealous. She envy's my life, and this is the one thing that she has that I can't have. So she is purposely throwing it into my face. I don't know, but I do know that I can't be friends with someone like that. I will still be nice, because that's just who I am, but I have to cut her out of my life. I guess it's good that we are moving. I will find new friends, hopefully some good ones!

Thank you St Joseph!!

2010-06-28T19:46:00.001-07:00

I want to send a big shout out to my main man St Joseph! Woot Woot! So as most of you know we are trying desperatley to move out of here, we put our house up for sale (a short sale) and got an offer the same day. This was in April. Today we finnally got word that the bank accepted the offer and we have closing set for July 27th! Holy cow! I had done a Novena to St. Joseph to help us move if that was the right thing. So, I guess it is the right thing! :) We are just so excited!
We will be so much closer to Gabe, only 2 hours away, and my entire family will be there for us.
It's still a little scary, I don't know how were going to be able to afford the move, and drive accross the country. But I have faith that it will all be taken care of. St. Joseph has been there for me so many times, I can't thank him enough.

We are trying to stay in the house untill at least mid August. We have to talk to the buyers and see if they'll work with us. We don't have any jobs lined up yet, and we'll be moving in with my parents, but hey, beggars can't be choosers right?

Condoms for all!

2010-06-25T19:22:00.001-07:00

What the heck is going on here!!! Did you all see that news article about a school district in Massachusetts that voted unanimously to begin giving out free condoms to students who request them…even if they’re in first grade !! First grade!! What is this???!! I almost choked on my dinner last night when I heard this. The parents do not need to be notified if their child is requesting to get a condom. Even if the parents tell the school they do not want their child getting condoms from school, they still will give it to the child without letting the parents know.
How on earth can anyone agree to this? Who in there right mind would think that it's ok for these little kids to have condoms available? And I know that most 1st graders probably don't even know what a condom is, but the fact that it is even permissible is disgusting!
I know that once things like condoms or birth control are available to kids, at any age, they are more likely to have sex, than if none of this was available! It blows my mind that parents or any adult can think that it's ok for these kids to be having sex. Maby they think that there being good parents by providing "safe" sex, but why make it available at all?? I know this brings up a whole new moral subject that I'm sure most of you agree with me on, but how do you explain this to others who aren't Catholic or Christian, or even those who are but just don't know the truth??
Sex is sacred, and I believe that at the right age your child should be made aware of whats going on with their bodies, but not to just give them condoms and let them have a free for all!!
My sister and her husband teach a Theology of the Body class to teenagers, and it is amazing! I think that this should be mandatory in every parish across the nation! The more people who are aware of how beautiful sex is and how it is sacred act between husband and wife, the better off our future generations will be!
It just upsets me so much to see things like this on the news, and on the radio this morning there were just ignorant people who were ok with it! Our country needs prayers people! It's so sad..

CD1, Fathers day and other ramblings...

2010-06-23T19:02:00.000-07:00

Hola all! Thank you all for your support with this diet. Ann I have to ask what is this "faux" rice ??? I love to have brown rice with alot of my dishes, so please tell!
Also I am slowly getting back online to read all the blogs.. so I'll be commenting soon I promise! :)

So interesting cycle I'm having this time. I was all emotional mid cycle, which could have also been because of all the stress with my dog and Gabe coming. But then my period started on Monday, 4 days early! I actually had a 28 day cycle! WTH?? I can't remember the last time it was 28 days. I usually go for 32 days, and get all crazy in the head. But this time 28 days. And no crazy! My cramps were horrendous though,I was having some cramping a few days before, which isn't unusual, I will sometimes cramp a few days and then nothing until my period. But I was cramping for about 3 days on and off, and all of a sudden I'm at work in the potty and Bam! there she was! I was so unprepared, I had to ask all over the office for "supplies"! My cramps got so bad that I almost went home. But another interesting point about this period was the color. Bright red, which I think is a good thing? Its still very short, only 3 days. But this is partly why I haven't been able to post or comment, my cramps were so bad on Monday that I only got threw about 3 blogs before I had to go lay down. So I'm trying to get threw it all tonight, maby I'll be done by tomorrow! lol

So Fathers day was nice this year. We are poor, so nothing really for E. Gabe made him a card, and I made breakfast, and E's favorite dinner, steak and shrimp! He gets this at least twice a year, once for Fathers day and once for his B-day. Also made his favorite cake, yellow moist cake with chocolate frosting! I totally cheated on my diet and had a slice! Mass was very nice, our church was having a free breakfast for fathers afterwards, but E can't wait till after church to eat, so I had already made french toast and fruit for him.

My diet I think is getting easier. I think it was not only extra hard last week because I wasn't used to it, but also I get crazy cravings before my period. I made this recipe from the diet book, it did not turn out good at all! It was mashed cauliflower. Instead of mashed potatoes, you put the cauliflower in a pot with water and olive oil and garlic, let that get really soft and mash, and voila! mashed cauliflower, supposed to be similar to the potatoes. Ok, mine was so not even close! I don't make much cauliflower b/c it smells up my fridge if I don't use it right away. So I was waiting forever for it to soften, and I thought it was soft enough, so I started smashing away, and it wouldn't mash! It got all fibery and weird, but I ate it anyway, and it was ok. Tasted like cauliflower though! lol. Have any of you ever made anything like that? I've read this recipe before, but I've always been afraid to try it. I may make it again and try to soften it a little more before I start mashing!

On the Gabe front, I'm so excited he's here. He's a great kid, and I'm pretty lucky that he is such a good kid. He's been telling us that he loves it at our house! :) We try to do as many things with him as we can. We love to play Clue, and crazy 8's. E has him doing yard work and house work while I'm at work, and he's enjoying it. It's something for E and Gabe to do together, and E is teaching him how to be a man! lol. When Gabe gets here, I always just want us to be normal, and be a family. I have tried so hard to make sure that Gabe doesn't feel like he's a burden or anything like that, I just want him to feel loved and accepted in our home. I want us to be a united family, and I hope I'm doing it all right!

Oh I found this great online 3 minute retreat! It's from the Loyola Press, Its a great little spiritual helper. :)
here is the link
http://www.loyolapress.com/3-minute-retreats-daily-online-prayer.htm

First week almost over.

2010-06-19T15:53:00.000-07:00

SO I'm just about done with the first week of this horrid diet. But, I am committed to 30 days. I really hope I can keep it up. It's just that I feel like my belly is constantly empty. I can eat the fruit leathers, and they have some great ones at Trader Joes that I love. And the soup is no bueno for lunch anymore. It definatley did not fill me up enough during the work day. I am still working on getting my thyroid in check, but I have another 3 weeks till I get my bloodwork done again. I'm on 75mcg's of Levothyroxin right now, and I am pretty sure it will need to be upped again.

Did you know that there is a completely true and physical reason that some of us especially with pcos, have a hard time feeling full? There is a gland in your brain called the Hypothalamus, it tells your body when your full or hungry. Studies show that with alot of women with pcos, their hypothalamus isn't working properly.
So now that I know this, wenever I want some bad food I can tell E that I need to feed my hypothalamus or my brain will shut down! hahaha! Isn't that crazy though? I never understood why I could eat so much and not feel full.

Yesterday for dinner I made a pork loin that I marinated in some store bought marinade all day. It was delicioso! I had a big salad with it and made the boys baked potatoes.
Here is my food for today

Breakfast: 1 egg with left over pork loin, and a grapefruit

Lunch : soup and a salad

snack: handful sunflower seeds

Dinner: taco salad. I cooked the ground beef with onions and taco seasoning, and just put that with lettuce tomatoes and taco sauce. ( that wasn't part of the diet book, but I can't eat all this bland food for 30 days ) But no cheese or sour cream added which I love, so I figure a plus for me! :)
I slept most of the morning, so I didn't need as much to eat today.

I'm so hungry ... oh so hungry!!!

2010-06-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

No carbs = a cranky Suzie! This PCOS Diet thingy sucks! I mean how on earth do we survive with no carbs! Or Chocolate!? Can you tell it's getting close to cd1? lol. I've got about 7 more days. I usually get some strong cravings for some Starbucks and chocolate, and cheese around this time, then it dies down as I get closer to the day. But I'm STARVING!!! Ok maby not starving, but I feel terrible. Supposedly I'm cleansing my body of all the bad things by eating whole foods and stuff like that.

Here is my diet today
Breakfast: Protien shake ( yes I can have this, the book said if your pressed for time it's ok + it's chocolate ;) )

Snack: apple

Lunch: Organic Vegitable Soup (all veggies no potatoes or pasta in it)

Snack: Cherry tomatoes

Dinner: burger salad. I made turkey burgers tonight, and I chopped mine up into a salad w/ lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, and mustard on top. I have to say it was pretty tasty! :) mmm!

It's not the exact meal plan that is laid out in the book, but they said as long as your eating only the foods on the "approved" list your ok. Because honestly I will never make some of the items it gives recipies for.

Now. I want a chocolate cheesecake! Really Thats all I can think about. Today at work this girl was munching away on a Snickers bar and thats all I wanted all day till I got home. I have taken all change out of my purse so even if I want some horrible food, I can't. I've been getting up earlier to work out for 30 min in the morning because I am just too exhausted when I get home!
I'm trying to remind myself why I am doing this. I want to keep my clear skin. I had terrible breakouts for years! I want to lose weight. I want to get preggo! I think those are pretty good reasons to keep with it dont you?

My Faith Story

2010-06-14T18:30:00.001-07:00

Ok so I've been meaning to write this for a while now, just trying to find the right time to get it all out. Our resident House Mother Leila had asked us to post about our Faith story a while ago, so here it is::

I guess I should start from the very beginning for all of this to make sense. My Grandma P is a very devout Catholic, she was the youngest of 12 and her father died when she was a baby. All of her siblings are very strong in their faith. She passed that on to my mother. My mother is an only child, (not by choice) she has always loved the Church, she even went in the nunnery (?) after high school. Luckily (for me) she decided that wasn't the path the Lord had for her and went off to College and met and married my dad. My dad's mom Nona, also came from a Catholic family. She was the eldest of 8. Her mother complained about each child she had and said it was just another mouth to feed. Nona wasn't very devout in her faith, and neither was my father. I was the 5th daughter to be born. My father left my mother while she was still pregnant with me. My mother moved all of us from NJ to OH, and my older sisters were not happy with that. We hardly ever saw my father. He never called or wrote or sent cards to any of us. My older sisters took it very hard. My mom and my step dad married when I was about a year old. Because I almost never saw my "real" dad, I had assumed that my step-dad was my dad. I called him dad. I remember when my real dad picked us up from the airport and I told him he wasn't my real dad, that he was my step dad, whoa, I was in trouble! I was only 4! I had no idea what was going on at that time. Finally I started noticing that my older sisters weren't calling our step-dad "dad". I wanted my sisters approval so I stopped calling him dad. That was a huge turning point in our relationship. My mom had my little sister when I was 2 &1/2. We were really close for a long time.
Meanwhile my sisters were going threw lots of terrible times, and I was put on the back burner. No one seemed to care about me. My mom worked hard. She and my step-dad had allot of problems in the beginning, so he wasn't even living with us for a long time.
There came a point when my little sister realized that she could get me in trouble for anything, because her dad would take her side over mine any day of the week. That started a whole new set of problems. For years it was me and my mom vs my sister and step dad. Our house was in Chaos from as far back as I can remember.
But one thing that was constant through it all was our Faith. Even though bad decisions were made and our lives seemed out of control, we always had our Faith.

I loved the Catholic church growing up. I knew the entire Catechism from front to back by heart. I loved the movies on the saints. My Grandma P had The Song of Bernadette, and Miracle Of Our Lady Of Fatima. Oh how I wished so badly that I could have been one of those children! I think that this was my own way as a child to get some peace. I could tune out the rest of the world and be entranced by these amazing true stories. For years I prayed and prayed that I could be a visionary. That is what I wanted out of my life more than anything. We picketed at abortion clinics, and prayed the rosary. As we got older and moved to IN, my parents joined a group of families and had a HomeChurch. All these families got together on a Sunday night and prayed the rosary, then the adults had there time to pray and talk and all us kids (there were allot!) got to hang out and play and do whatever. It was awesome! :)

But I'm getting a little ahead. I was an ugly duckling. I developed early, and was not excited about that. I was really embarrassed. My mother was from the old school and refused to talk about gasp! "your body" ! I had no idea about anything that was going on. My older sisters were all finally in college and getting back on track in their lives. My sister C who is 3 years older was always this amazingly beautiful and talented person. She wanted nothing to do with me. I was a nerd. She was popular. I was tormented in school and was compared to her constantly.
Growing up we saw my dad twice a year. One week for Thanksgiving and 2 weeks out of the summer. That was it. And I loved my dad. Even though I never saw him, I had this love for him that I think is just ingrained in you. You can't help but to love your parents. That's why when one summer he asked my sister C to move in with him, my heart broke. I said that I wanted to move in too. (even though i really didn't, I love my mom and could never have left her) I was testing my dad. And he failed. He laughed and then said that I was too little.
So here I was going threw this horrible awkward phase and my own father didn't want me. It hurt, bad.

A few years later, he was diagnosed with Leukemia. He battled that for years. Finally He died right after Christmas on the Feast of the Holy Family 1997. I was almost 15. My world fell apart. My home life was always up and down, never knowing when the next fight would happen, and now my dad was gone. It was a very weird time for me. It started a depression that lasted for 2 years.
After my dads funeral, we had to greet all the family that came to pay their respects and one Uncle made a comment that all my dad wanted was to have a boy, how important it was for him to have a boy, and he never did. That was the worst thing I think I could have heard at that point. Because what I actually heard was that my dad didn't want me at all! He left my mom because I was a girl, my entire family went through hell because of me. I was no good. This is what was fixed on my brain for a very very long time. This changed me.

I was already just a teen going threw some big mood changes, and all this happening made it all seem so much more blown out of proportion. I felt out of control and helpless. I locked myself in my room all the time. I started getting high and going out and partying. I did everything a good Catholic girl shouldn't have been doing. I had bad friends, made bad choices. I was truly depressed at this time. I was looking for something, and I didn't know what. I still went to church because I had to. But as I was making these bad choices, I felt worse and worse about myself. There came a point where I wanted to end my life. I thought about it all the time. I told myself there wasn't a God. There couldn't be. Because if there was one then none of this stuff would have happened to me. My life was a wreck.

The summer after my Sophomore year in high school my mom signed me up for a weekend retreat at the Franciscan University of Stuebenville. Then I had to stay at my sisters house near the university to babysit while she went to summer classes. I hated her for making me go. I had a boy that I liked that I was hoping to make my boyfriend that summer and my friends were all going to be doing fun stuff, and I was going to miss out! This retreat was ok. I liked it, but I wasn't ready. Somehow I managed to find the "bad" kids at a Catholic retreat! For me it was a social event that summer. But it changed something in me. When I was done baby siting for the summer I was different. I decided that I didn't want to hang out with the same people. It took a while, but midway through the school year, I made new friends. They weren't ideal, but they were better. The next summer I went to the retreat again at the Franciscan U.
This is the summer that changed my life. The theme this summer was "Father". This summer I learned about Gods love for me, and how He is my Father. God will never abandon me. God has always loved me for me, and no matter what happens He will forgive me. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. I was filled with the Holy Spirit from head to toe! This weekend I forgave my dad. On Sunday, there is a time where you can share your experience in front of everyone! I had to get up there. I never felt so good. I was calm and excited and on fire for the Lord! It was amazing.
When we got back everyone was telling my parents about my experience. And I wasn't embarrassed at all.
Life didn't change drastically. We still had problems in our family and after a few months my fire died out. I still wasn't living my life as I should have. But it was better.
In the years after my dad passed away, I prayed for his soul constantly. I was so afraid that he was going to hell. One night my prayers were answered. I had a vision of my father. He was on his way into heaven. I won't go into detail here, but he did tell me that everything was ok. He was ok. That solidified my feelings of forgiveness.
I still had some issues with my step dad though. After high school I moved out of my parents house, lived with a sister in her basement for a year, then got my own place for another year. I met and eventually lived with a boy I thought I was in love with. I moved across the country for him. He turned out to not be such a good guy. I was going to church by myself at this point. He refused to go with me. I ended our relationship, and during this time I met E. After a whirlwind romance we got married at the Little White Wedding Chapel and hadn't really told anyone! E started going to church with me, and I decided that I needed to live what I preach. E came into the Church Easter 2009 and our marriage was blessed right before that.

About 3 years ago My mom called me after she and my sisters went to an adult retreat at the Franciscan University of Stuebenville. My mom runs a resource center for the Church, and was buying some books while she was there. While they were listening to a speaker, my sister opened a book and read a story about a girl who had all these older sisters, and her dad died and had this horrible time. It was my story! I was recorded all those years ago at the retreat, and it was put into a book! My step dad had read it and apologized to me for the way he treated me. He said he didn't know how hurt I was by him and my dad. My step dad has become a very devout Catholic too. He always believed, but has had his own demons to deal with.

So now here I am. I am loved. I have no doughts in my mind about Gods love for me. About his awesome kindness and forgiveness. I have an amazing Church that we attend and I love to teach E and Gabe about the Saints that I grew up learning about.
Praise be to God for his loving kindness! :)

Love summer! :)

2010-06-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

Today things have gotten better. Allot better. I get really frustrated that I want so bad to take care of Gabe and be a mom to him, and when things don't turn out the way I want I get really mad. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a baby. It makes me mad that I can't be the one to teach him about life, and how to act and how to learn about the Church. His mom isn't Catholic. She goes to some nondenominational church occasionally. I've tried and tried to teach Gabe about the Church, and while he's here he'll learn a little, but when he leaves and then comes back, its like he doesn't remember anything at all! His mom lets him watch movies and listen to songs that we don't approve of. She teaches him to be a different kind of person than E and I would want him to be. And its hard. E doesn't want to spend the summer nit-picking on him, but it drives me nuts! I see this innocent little boy being demoralized right in front of my face, and there is nothing I can do. I try to teach him as much as I can. I hope it is enough.

Today we went to a friends house to swim. She has 2 little boys near Gabe's age. We spent the entire day at the pool! I love it! :) I love the smell of the chlorine, and the taste of Oreo's in the sun. When I was little we lived at the local pool. We had swim team in the morning, then I had swim lessons. I'm not really sure why I had to take the lessons also, but I'm guessing its so I was kept busy so my mom could work. We spent the entire day there almost daily. I miss those days! so much fun.

Nothing new on the IF front. Same crap different day. My temps have risen a little bit this cycle though. Might be from the higher dosage for my thyroid medication. No ovulation this time.

My new PCOS Diet starts tomorrow. I'm nervous about no carbs. I have an unnatural craving for carbs I think. The more I know I can't have them, the more I want them! lol. :) We went shopping this weekend for the food for my new diet. It just stinks that I have to make 2 separate dinners for all of us though. ARRGGH! Well, wish me luck on this new diet! Hope everyone had a great Sunday! :)

Goodbye to my beloved Scrappy

2010-06-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

I've been silent for a while I know. This week has been extremely hard. We had to let our Scrappy go. He started getting sick again and he was in pain almost daily. It was a very hard decision to make. Some day's he'd be happy and fine, and the next.. he was a different dog. The vet said it was cancer, and that there was no cure for him. He might have lived another 6-12 months, but he wouldn't be the same. He'd have to be on medication daily, and we wouldn't know from one day to the next how he would be. We couldn't keep him because of our selfish need to have him around. It wasn't right to let him suffer like that. This is very difficult for me to even write out now. He was an amazing dog. He was my baby. I will always love him.

That day we let him go was bittersweet. The same night Gabe came home for the summer. I'm having trouble adjusting. I always have trouble adjusting. Our house is very small. Gabe is getting bigger, and needs us to constantly be with him and play with him or he is too bored. E feels like he needs to overcompensate for not being able to be with him all the time, and I just want us to have a "normal" life when he is here. I don't want to treat him different b/c he can't be here all the time. I want to treat him like he is our kid and was just on a vacation. I do try to do special things for him, but he just wants to be with his dad, and I feel sometimes left out. Other times I feel like I can't breath. Our house is too small. There is nowhere for Gabe to play. I need just a half an hour to myself. Is that too much to ask? I made E mad this morning b/c they were watching tv and I came into our room to get on the computer. I thought that I would have at least 30 min to get on and read some blogs and write out my own. But they followed me in the room and started wrestling on the bed! I made a comment about them following me, and now E is mad. they are outside plaing catch. It is actually not too hot today to go outside! I'll have to talk to E later about why I need just a small amount of my own time. E has his ju-jitsu classes a few times a week and that is 2 hours long! All I'm asking is for 30 min of my own time. I don't think that this is unreasonable.

I know I stress myself out for no good reason. Maby I'll try to get up early tomorrow and have my time then.

A New Day.

2010-06-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

Many many thanks to all of you for your kind words, and support. I cried reading all the wonderful comments. Really I don't know how I could get threw some of these days without all of you! :)

Things have definitely gotten better over the weekend. Friday I was still a little bit on the hormonal side, and I broke down to E. I just started crying and blubbering all over the place. It kindof forced E and I to have a talk about all this IF business. It turns out that we weren't exactly on the same page. He didn't think that I was very serious about the whole having a baby right now thing as I actually am, and I was afraid to bring it up all the time. I didn't want to have to "try" so hard. I didn't want to have to time when we have sex. I didn't want things to get boring. Of course E just laughed when I said that b/c he said it will never get boring! :) So allot of good things came out of my cry-fest. We talked allot and figured out what we are going to do to make this happen. I expressed my concern about how long and how much do we try? E said we try till we have a baby. So that works for me!

We haven't done to much this weekend. It hit the triple digits so it's kinda hard to get out. Today its 107! omg its super hot out there! We are just getting everything ready for Gabe to get here. Only 3 more days!

So I bought this book called the PCOS Diet book. I'm just beginning to read it, and it is not going to be easy! It's really neat so far, as explaining the PCOS, why I am always hungry, my hormones, what effects what in our bodies. I'm pretty excited to try to follow this diet. But there are no carbs to start! No pasta, no waffles, no bagels, and worst of all no cheese! I love cheese! Actually if I could live off of cheese and double fudge brownies, I would! :)
I was going to just dive into the diet, but there is allot to read and to understand what it is that I am doing in this diet and how it works for me, so I am going to read the entire book first, and then start on it. So I figure by next week I should be ready to go. I'll keep you all updated on how it is working and what is going on, and if any of you have any questions feel free to email me!

Happy Sunday to all of you!

Just one of those days...

2010-06-03T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'm depressed, I'm sad, I want to cry, is AF coming soon? NO!!! WTH???? I have no idea what is wrong with me. All day I've just felt this sadness. UGh! go away hormones!! Usually I don't post these depressing posts mid-month. But today, I just felt that I need to write it out!

I've been feeling lately that I am never going to get pg. Ever. I'm getting older and older, and nothing has changed! I know there are still things that we haven't tried to help us achieve a pregnancy, but I wonder about that. How long do we try? How many different options do we do? And right now I don't have insurance! And if we end up moving soon, I still won't have insurance for who knows how long! I can go to my primary care doc, but she wants me to go to a obgyn, who is more knowledgeable than she. Which I completely understand, but I don't want to go to a different doc and have to tell the same story to, and get more blood work done! This just plain sucks!! E still talks about when we have a baby, and our kids, it's heartbreaking for me, b/c I feel that I just know that it will never happen. But I smile and pretend that it will all work out. That it just isn't time yet. But inside I'm dying. I just wish I knew either way what was going to happen.

Also I'm a little sad that we still haven't moved! I am missing everything! My baby sister just graduated high school, and she is off to Spain for 2 weeks! She grew up so freakin fast! It feels like she was just a little baby! Then she is off to college in the fall, and now she'll be a grown up and I'll never get to see her!
My other little sister is on her 3rd baby, and I've missed all 3 pregnancy's! I know I made this choice to move, and I never would have met my amazing hubby, but sometimes I hate that I moved away from my family.

Sorry for the depressing post. Tomorrow is Friday, so hopefully it will be so much better!

Memorial Day and weekend update

2010-05-31T20:26:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone! Happy Memorial Day! Thanks to all our military men and women who have served this country!

So, thank you all for your advice with the hubby! I'm glad I'm not alone in this situation. So everything ended up pretty good. :) Friday it ended up being to windy and cold for us to go hiking, so we went to play Putt Putt instead. We had a really good time trying to beat each other, and spent the entire day hanging out and talking. On Sat we finally went hiking. It was amazing! The trail took about 2 hours up and back. There is still snow up in the mountains, and most of it is melted, so there were beautiful streams and spots where we had to hike threw the packed snow. Although it was very beautiful, it is straight up the entire way, and the path is full of rocks! I thought I might just die. ;) E kept cheering me on to keep going, and I did it! My lungs were going to burst, and I thought for sure I might pass out from the elevation. But somehow I made it ok, and by the time we got to the top, I felt amazing! The way down was so much easier. I love the downhill. hahah. I am so out of shape! Even though I have been working out everyday, this mountain kicked my butt! I think it's the elevation, b/c even when we first got up there, my lungs hurt pretty bad. But we are definitely going to do this more often!
I tried to post some pics of it, but E put them in some folder that is not allowing me to put them on here. ugh! there on my FB page, but I'll try to get them on here maby tomorrow.

So Sat after the hike, we were soooo tired, But E's friend was in town and we made plans after dinner. E took me out to dinner Sat night, and while we were there, there was a family sitting next to us. They had a new baby along with a few other kids. The baby was starting to make a fuss and cry a bit, and the mom says "lets get out of here before this nice couple decides not to have any kids" And I wanted to cry. Usually I don't get that upset with kids and people who have kids, but the fact that she made this comment about people not wanting kids b/c hers is crying?? Idk. It felt awful to hear that. We told her it didn't bother us, but she insisted it did and she would leave at once so we weren't bothered! I wanted to tell her that if she didn't want a crying baby I'll take it! And I wanted to shout out that I can't have kids! It felt like after sharing such a beautiful day together, it was just thrown out the door. I tried to put it past me, but the rest of the dinner all I could think of was how lucky this family is to have those children, and I may never get that chance. I didn't tell E how I felt, but I think he could tell.

Anyway after that we met up w/ E's friend and watched the UFC fight. E's friend and his g/f stayed at our house that night and we stayed up entirely too late, and had waay to much to drink! We really don't ever go out and drink, so only after a few drinks I was feeling it! But we had a great time. The entire weekend E and I spent together talking and sharing new things. It was fantastic! I love my husband! :)

So here's a question. If I'm taking my temps do I have to use a Basal Thermometer??
Here is why I ask. I am using a Basal thermometer now, but the temps are waaayyy too low. Like the other day it showed 96.6 . E said to try the regular thermometer and it came up 97.5! E said that according to my basal thermometer I was hypothermic and about to die! lol. I tried explaining to him the importance of the basal thermometer, but he insists that it doesn't matter! And I think that he thinks this, b/c he was supposed to have bought me a basal thermometer, and got a regular one instead, and he feels bad that he got the wrong one, and since he has to be right all the time, that the regular one he bought will do what I need it to do. Does any of this make sense?? lol. I'm rambling I know. sorry!
So there is my update from the amazing weekend that I had with my wonderful hubby, who by the way decided that I need to now refer to him as BigE on my blogs! hahaha. He's crazy! :)
*************
Oh, weight loss info: only lost 1 lb this week. totally sucks! but a lb is a lb right?? :)

Recent Happenings

2010-05-27T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hey all! I want to thank you for your prayers for the Scrapps! I think he might be doing better already, but it's kinda hard to tell. We will just have to wait out the week and see what happens.
Gabe's step-dad S is going into surgery right now, so hopefully that will all go ok.

Thank you for your input on the tankini! And E said I was supposed to correct myself b/c technically it is a Bandini! Whatever! lol :) And it does actually have straps that you can put on that goes around my neck. But I like it without, and I usually don't do much running around on the beach. I like to just chill and get some rays!

So yesterday E and I had our first big fight in 5 years! it was awful! And it was about nothing, I mean absolutely nothing at all! There was allot of yelling and E almost left the house. Then of course I was balling my eyes out, and we had a long talk and 10 min later it was like nothing had happened at all! We decided that we just got complacent in our relationship and that we need to do more things together. So we decided that we will go out once a week somewhere new. We will take turns deciding where to go and we figure that should give us lots new stuff to talk about and maby spice things up a bit. Do any of you have any other ideas to keep things fresh in your relationships??
It is kind of heartbreaking to know that we finally reached this point. I mean you know it will happen one day, but we weren't' like other couples. We never fight, we never get bored with each other, I mean we only hang out with each other most of the time as it is! He is my bestest friend and I do not want to ever fight like that again. I couldn't imagine not having him around.

Tomorrow we are going hiking up at Mt. Charleston, then having a picnic there. E is not that kind of guy, but I told him it would mean allot to me, so after he kicks my butt on the trails, I get to romance him with a picnic! :)

The Tankini!

2010-05-26T19:53:00.001-07:00

ok, so this is a very short post. E and I need some time together, I'll get into that another day, but here are the pics of the awesome tankini that I bought at Macy's :

And miss Faith makes things possible .. there is something wrong with your comment link! No one can comment, when you click to comment nothing happens! So fix it girly b/c I've been trying to comment!!

Beach Vacay postponed....

2010-05-25T17:57:00.000-07:00

So here's the dealio.. Our Scrappy is very sick. He has been throwing up for a few weeks now on and off. He wouldn't eat anything, and most of what he drank would come back up. Our vet gave us some anti-nausea pills to see if that would help for a while, and to determine if there is an obstruction or not. We were pretty sure that it must be an obstruction, b/c that boy eats everything in sight! The pills helped out for a while and Scrappy started eating again. But then he got sick while he was on the anti-nausea pills. So we took him back to the vet again today and he said that it is not an obstruction. Now we can't do an x-ray on Scrappy because he hates going to the vet, he freaks out and won't let anyone get close to him or he tries to bite. So we could put him out and then do the x-ray, but.. we can't afford it. The vet doesn't take payment plans. So that leaves us with 2 options. The vet thinks that it is a good chance that Scrappy has tumors on his intestines. So we got some new pills to help with that to see if that is what is going on. We are to check to see how Scrappy does for a week on the pills. If Scrappy gets sick in the next few days, then the pills won't work and we will have to let him go. So we are staying home this weekend to make sure that Scrappy is ok and hopefully the pills help him.
The vet said that if he does well on the medication, then he will be able to live a normal dog life for at least another year or maybe more, while taking the medication everyday. But if he doesn't do well.. it will just be awful. But I can't stand to see Scrappy in pain anymore. Last night he was laying on me crying, and then he threw up on the bed. We have been letting him sleep with us since he's been sick b/c he loves it, and we feel so bad for him that he is hurting like this. I really don't want to let my puppy go, but I would rather that than see him in so much pain anymore. I'll keep you updated on his status, please say a prayer for Scrappy.

*****************************************************************************

Well today is CD2 and I am feeling allot better. I'm doing well on my diet and keeping up with my vitamins. I started taking a multi vitamin, and per my docs orders Vit D. The D has really helped since I started taking it. I used to have so much pain in my bones. Anytime something bumped me or if someone grabbed my arm to hard, I would have this excruciating pain in my bones. I knew it wasn't normal, and luckily the doc found out I was Vit D deficient.

I can't find a pic of the swimsuit I found at Macy's so this week I'll be brave and model it for ya! It is really cute :)

Other news,... my MIL sucks! I'll get to that tomorrow though. Dancing with the stars is on tonight and I'm rooting for Nicole!

The Red Headed She Devil

2010-05-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

Yes that *B* came today! She shows up to make my life miserable and throws my dreams out the door! Every CD1 is the same. Cramps, bloating, and feeling like a total *B* myself. My poor DH can't even be in the same room as me. It's only one day each cycle, thank goodness! But it's enough to disrupt my life.

I knew I was going to start. All the regular symptoms. But still, I always hold out hope that somehow this time just maby I'll be preggo. I just don't get it. I'm doing everything right. Eating healthy, exercising, I even lost weight this past week! I'm Down 3lbs! That should make me happy right? not today. Today I just want to sit down with a margarita, a chocolate cupcake, and a super sad movie to ball my eyes out! I hate getting like this. Is this even normal for me to get so depressed? I mean everything makes me upset. If E looks at me wrong I freak out. I just want to be a mommy already! I can't wait till the day when finally this *B* doesn't show up. Some day it has to happen right???

Well I finally got my results from my Dr about my thyroid. Last week, the system was down and then I was told that the Dr would call me back. But of course he didn't. So I called today and he is upping my meds. From 50mcg's to 75mcg's for the synthroid. Luckily they can just call it in to the pharmacy. But I will have to get my blood checked again in 6 weeks. That will be another $250.00 for that since at this time I do not have insurance. Now that I am re-starting my old job, I still have to wait the 90 days for my insurance to kick in! Ugh!

But on a brighter note, I do have this week off. I quit on Friday after lunch. I just didn't come back from lunch. It didn't feel as good as I thought it would. I always wanted to just up and leave a job that I hated. I guess because I have had 2 jobs that were absolutely horrid, and I didn't have the guts to get up and walk out. this job wasn't that bad, it sucked but I've had worse jobs. But it is nice to have this week to get the house ready for Gabe, and work on my body a little to try to get back into shape.

I did get a cute tankini on Friday. It ties in the back, so I don't feel like a total grandma at the beach! :) Well I guess that's enough grumpiness from me today here is a nice pic to temp you all! :)

About Me

2010-05-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

I stole this from HIS & HERS INFERTILITY blog / I though it was a cute idea.

apple juice or orange juice? Orange
are you a morning or night person? No matter what time I go to sleep I'm up by 7am. So I guess that makes me a morning person!
which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods? How bout both together?
what was your favorite childhood television program? The entire TGIF lineup on friday nights! I whish they would bring that back! :) oh, and Blossom, Woah!

are you a collector of anything? books

if you could be any animal, what would you be? A Dolphin. I don't know why. I just love dolphins.

what do you usually think about right before falling asleep? What don't I think about?

what’s your favorite color? Blue

do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets? Nope

do you believe in ghosts? No, ghost are scary!
ever been addicted to a video/computer game? yeah, the Sims!

you’re given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on? pay off my mortgage, buy a bigger new home, fertility treatments, give $$ to each of my siblings to pay off their debt, and give the rest to charity

have any bad habits? Starbucks

list 3 of your worst personality traits: I giggle for no reason, especially when I'm nurvous. I'm too trusting, I don't stay in contact with people as much as I should.

have any celebrity crushes? Johnny Depp!

list 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself: I wish I could lose my belly fat!

any tattoos or piercings? 1 tat, ear pierced 3 on each side, and 1 belly button piercing.

what’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? Eyes

are you mostly a clean or messy person? messy

if you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Evergreen CO

If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? Italy

List 5 goals on your life’s to-do list:

1. Move back to Ohio
2.Have children
3.Be a better friend
4.travel Europe
5.excersize more

Name 1 regrete Nothing, i wouldn't be who I am today, and I like who I am today!

name 1 thing you miss about being a kid: The simplicity of life

name 1 thing you love about being an adult: Not having homework!

what’s your favorite song of the moment? Weezer, I'm your daddy

What’s your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night? Hang out with my hubby!

what’s your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon? Read a good book

Update..

2010-05-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your prayers, I know C and S really appreciate them. Poor S is still in the hospital, he does have a small blockage. The docs want to keep him for a few more days to try some alternatives before deciding to go on with the surgery. Please keep praying for them! thanks :)

PRAYER REQUEST

2010-05-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

Hey, I'm sending out a prayer request today. Gabe's (my step-son)step dad S is in the hospital. He has Crohns disease, he was diagnosed in Jan. C called and told us that he was in the hospital and they are not sure if it is just a flare up or an obstruction. If it is an obstruction then he will need surgery. C is pregnant with Gabe's first sibling, so they really need some prayers right now. Thank you all :)

diet update and other stuff.

2010-05-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

Thank you gals for the support with the weight loss thing, and Jelly Belly I think the bowel prep might be the way to go! hahah!
I have read over and over again that with the PCOS you need to follow a low carb or low gi (glycemic index) diet. It sucks! I love me some bread! :)
So far the Atkins shakes that I found at Wal-Mart, are ok, and it does fill me up for breakfast with an apple. I will have some carbs at lunch to keep me going, or else I get the shakes. So just no carbs at night with dinner. Tonight we are having Salmon, with a salad, and I'll make E a potato. He is trying to gain weight. Ugh! he makes me sick! ;) jk.

I have a new DVD that I'm trying, and so far I like it! It is the Jillian Micheals
"30 Day Shred" I'll let you know how it works out for me.

Sooo. I quit my job! I hate this place where I'm at now. I know I just started 2 months ago, but it's the pitts! I got my old job back and a raise! Yesss! Technically my last day will be the 28th, but.... I'm thinking I might just leave this Friday. I could use a week off.

Monday I got my blood checked for my thyroid. I'm pretty sure I know the results. My BBT's are super low still, so my #'s aren't where they should be for a normally functioning thyroid. I forgot to call my Dr. today, and now they are closed! darn it! And since I don't have insurance right now, my Dr. said he would give talk to me about what to do next if my results weren't what he wanted, but the office staff is no bueno so we'll see how that one goes.

So I'm off to get "totally shredded!" :) Happy Hump Day!

Off with the fat!

2010-05-16T19:20:00.000-07:00

I have 2 weeks to lose 20lbs! Ha! will never happen, but I am on a mission to get the fat gone! We are going to Newport Beach for the Memorial Day weekend. whoo hooo!
I love the beach! I love that its only a 5 hour drive for us here. Back home, it was a good 14 hour drive to the beach. That sucked!
But now I feel the pinch, the time is slowly creeping up on me, and I haven't even noticed it! I have been trying to lose weight for so long, that I wasn't on top of it as I should have been lately. I'm probably going to have to buy a new suit to cover up my belly this year. But even so, I'm on a mission to be fit this summer!
Here are a few new items I've added to my diet, to replace some of the other things I was eating.

My just for one veggies, good to round out my work lunches, and snacks when I;m hungry at home. The Special K bars are alright. It's chocolate, so I can deal with that,even though the bars are the size of a single Twix bar! And finally my Adkins shake. It is pretty gross, and gave me bad breath after I drank it, but It is pretty filling and makes for a good breakfast with some fruit.

I am ready for a relaxing weekend ahead! I sooo need this! I need to get away from my work, and the worry of getting pregnant! In 3 weeks Gabe will be here, so this is our last "free" weekend of the summer. I'm super excited for him to get here, but I will definitely need my rest to get ready for an almost 9 year old! :)

Left Behind.

2010-05-12T18:49:00.001-07:00

First of all I just want to say I am sooo happy for all the pg announcements out there! God is so good! :)

And although I am very happy for all my blogger friends, I can't help but to feel left out. Not only from the obvious, me not being pg, but I feel like I'm not in the same circle anymore. There have been so many announcements and everyone talking about there symptoms, or lack of symptoms, and I have nothing to say on the matter. I have nothing to respond back with. I have never been pg, even for a little bit. I have no idea what it feels like. And I want so badly to know what it feels like.

Here I am on cd20 and my temps haven't gone past 97.5 . Every day I wake up thinking that today is the day that I will ovulate! And then, nothing. My thermometer stares me back in the face with the low temp mocking me, it's saying "not today honey!" And I just want to throw it across the room.

But I have hope, still. Very little, but it is there. I keep thinking that once we move it'll happen. But that seems so silly at times. Why should that matter? And how long will it be till we actually move? Why is it taking so long? ugh!

So there is my bitch fest for today. Someone mentioned doing another prayer buddy group for all the IF girls out there, I say bring it on!

Happy Mothers Day!!!

2010-05-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

Happy Mothers day to all you mothers, mothers to-be and wanna be mothers like me! :)

So E took me out to I-Hop today for breakfast. It was jam packed, but it was nice to go out! I had a yummy Hazelnut coffee.. ohhh it was sooo good. :)
Gabe called me today to wish me a happy mothers day. It made me a little sad and happy at the same time. It's weird being a step-mom. I know Gabe loves me, but I'm not his mother. I'm his dad's wife, and really, I'm more like a really cool aunt. I always get mixed feelings on this day.
BUT.. I don't want today to be all about how sad I am that I don't have any children of my own to call me mom.
Today is about my mom. I love my mommy. She is so great, she has always been there for me no matter what. And even though I gave her a hard time growing up, and maby she did things that I thought were a little wacky, she has always loved me and done what she thought was best for me and my sisters. She has done a tremendous job at raising all 8 of us and I am blessed to have her as a mother. :)

Mom and some sisters

Sisters:

my "baby"

an old pic of me and Gabe

Low Temps, and weekend fun

2010-05-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

Nice combo title hu? Sorry I have been MIA on the bloggs this week. It's been a long and tiresome week, but I promise to get caught up asap!
So I've decided to start charting again. E and I charted when we first got married, did the whole NFP thing. It was great, for a while. So after 2 years of charting and just being plain annoyed with the whole thing, we quit. We decided that we would let nature take its course and everything would be fine. So now here we are 2 more years later, and nothing is happening! I know that with your waking temps you can get an idea of how your thyroid is working. My temps have almost always been crazy low.
I finally bought a new thermometer, because I decided that the one I had must have been broken, because there is no way my temps could be that low unless the darn thing was broke! Welllll... I guess it wasn't broke. For a week my temps were 96.9. Am I even alive??? what is this? I'ts total craziness that they are so low. Until today I got a 97.5! whoo hooo! And fertile CM. Well maby not fertile, but you know what I mean. ;) I Almost don't even want to start charting again, but I know it will be helpful in determining what is and isn't working.
Like my thyroid. I'm not sure if the medication is doing it's thang. I mean I have not been as tired as I was, and feeling alot better, but I'm also not working such an early shift anymore. I just know my temps are too low for my thyroid to be working properly. I'll be getting some blood work done here soon, so I'll know for sure.

So this weekend is super busy for me. And I say for me because I usually don't do that much. E and I like to stay home most of the time. I did have to work this morning which was sooo boring. But then I had to go to Toys R Us. A friend of mine, M, who actually isn't even a good friend anymore, is having a birthday party for her 1 year old. I don't even know the kid, but we were friends and I'm trying on my part. After she had her baby we lost touch. I called her a few times, but she never invited me over to see her baby, so I quit calling her. Then a few months ago a mutual friend was having a baby shower, and we ran into each other there. M got all excited to see me and said she got a new phone and lost my #, but she really wanted to get together again. So A few weeks later I called to see if she wanted to meet up for lunch or something, and she couldn't' make it. That was the last I heard from her, until now. So I went out spent $35.00 on a toy,card, and wrapping paper on a kid I don't even know! I don't know why, but this irks me. Should I not be irked by this? I mean I'm going to a baby's birthday alone, with people I don't know at all. It seems kinda weird to me that she even invited me. Oh well. It's an outside party, so at least I'll get some sun!

Tonight my girlfriends and I are going out to a restaurant/bar that is partially owned by one of my good friends. It's a Croatian (sp?) restaurant. My friend Ela is from Germany, and Croatia, and there is this whole community of Croatians here. I have been there before, and hardly anyone speaks english, but the food is pretty good. We definitely should have a good time. It's been a while since we had a girls night, and I really need one! :)

So I'm going to leave you with a pic of my amazing salad I made last night. It was so good, I just had to share! The Balsamic Vinaigrette is the best!

Part Time Mom....

2010-04-30T18:03:00.001-07:00

This week I have recieved a few private emails about the infertility post that I had on my FB. An old highschool friend was very supportive. Here is what she said: I feel like a complete jack ass! I had no clue you were infertile. I guess that isn't something you want to broadcast. I bet your husband sons is a blessing for you. Love ya girl and stay strong!
She has 2 kids, and had asked me at one time if we were trying or something like that. It wasn't anything that I would have gotten upset about though. But she had a great point. Gabe is a blessing! It's just hard to remember that sometimes. He doesn't live with us anymore, since his mom moved out of state. We only get to see him twice a year. We visit for Christmas, we pick up Gabe and stay at my mom's house for a week. Then Gabe stays with us for the entire summer. When he is with us, I am a mom. kindof. I take care of him, I make sure he says his prayers and gets to Church, I take him to play-dates, and make his favorite foods. We talk for hours and have lots of fun. I love it when he's with us. We really feel like a family. A complete family.
But when Gabe is gone, its like I am nothing. When he calls, he wants to talk to Daddy, not me. He misses his Daddy, not me. Sometimes he wants to tell me things, and talks to me for a while, but he can't say that he loves me when his mom is around. He doesn't talk to me that much when she is around. It sucks.
So, I am a part time mom. I love it. I hate it. But my friend is right. I am blessed to have Gabe in my life. Even if he isn't mine, I still get to be a mom, even if just for a little bit.

Infertility Awareness Week

2010-04-27T06:51:00.000-07:00

So most of you know it is Infertility Awareness Week. I finally just let the whole world know about my infertility on my Facebook. It was a little scary to put it out there for all to see. I wasn't sure how people would respond. I think most people so far have ignored it, I mean what do you say to someone who posts "hey I'm infertile!" lol. I'm not sure I would comment or even bring it up to them. But I was a little surprised that one of our friends commented that he too is infertile. Its just something that people don't talk about. I never would have known that he is going threw this if I hadn't spoken out. If posting about the infertility has helped one person out there not feel alone, then I'm glad I did it! :)
Of course there is always one person who is just so insensitive and annoying. I work with this girl who at first I thought was nice, we became FB friends, but the more I get to know her the more I want to stay away from her! She came up to me and said "I saw your FB status, I didn't know. Are you sad?"
How did I respond to this without punching her in the face? I just looked at her and told her that it is something that I have to deal with and now I have to get back to work. Wow! some people!

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Now onto something that is just really sad. One of the boss's at work 13 year old son was killed yesterday. He was riding his bike to school, and was hit by a van. The driver was an older man, no drugs or alcohol involved. He was not speeding. The boy wasn't wearing a helmet. They said that he may have survived if he was wearing one. It is just really horrible. I can't even imagine what that family is going threw. If you can all send some prayers towards that family, they really need it.

waiting

2010-04-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

We are so excited about the offer we got on the house! We now have to wait for the Banks approval of the short sale. This could take a few months. The buyers are in no hurry to move in, so that is a good thing! :)

Right now this feels like the only good thing going on. It is CD2. The cramps started early this morning, and I had to go to work for a few hours. I was not in the mood for that. I always know when this day is coming. it sucks. I don't want to hate it so much anymore. I feel hopeless right now. I guess I always feel like this every month, and then in a few day's I'll be all optimistic and hopefull for the future. But right now, not so much.. I wish I knew what I can do to get PG! It just seems like there is no help out there. I had bought a book on PCOS, and it was a waste of $$. The begining of the book was all about what it is, and the different hormones involved, but then the author said that "its not enough to tell a woman with pcos to just eat less and excersize more!" but then she basically said that is exactly what you need to do to help "cure" the PCOS. If that was all it took, then I should be "healed" right now. Does anyone out there know anything helpfull about PCOS? what to stay away from, what to do to help with the sypmtoms? I am so sick of the cramps that make me feel like I am going to die! I am sick of not getting pregnant, I am sick of everyone around me getting pregnant and always asking me why I don't have any kids. When I say I have a step-child, I always get the same response "oh, so your husband just doesn't want anymore kids?" WTH? NO! Are you stupid? Ugh, it is just frusterating. I hate feeling like this. It is so depressing.

We may be moving??

2010-04-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

I know I've been away for a while on here. My PMS hormones were kicking in last weekend. I was feeling depressed and sorry for myself, and I figured it would not be good to post feeling like that! During this "time" I think things that I normally wouldn't be thinking, and I just get so down about the littlest things. I am aware of my problem, and isn't that the first step? ;)
So I am patiently waiting for AF to show up and ruin my nice day, or night. I hate that *B*

Anyway. Work has been crazy. It is a little different from what I was doing, and learning the new system has been frustrating. But so far I like it enough. I know it will take some time getting used to, and once I get into the swing of things, it will be a piece of cake! (mmmm cake!)

I wanted to thank all of you for your prayers for us and our housing situation. Also thank you St. Joseph! If your on my facebook you may have already heard, we listed our house! We are really excited about this. Finally! After lots and lots of prayers, we decided to do a short sale. There is some new government program out there that will help with the Short Sales, so that the Seller isn't responsible for the difference in the sale price and the loan amt. That works great for us. We really didn't want to go into Foreclosure, and we can't afford to stay here any longer. E has been out of work for so long, we are running on empty. So my Realtor friend Cesar listed our house yesterday and this evening he actually had a Buyer to look at it! They have since come and gone, about a half an hour ago. We should be hearing from Cesar soon to see what they said. I know it's silly, but we were kinda hoping they would put an offer on the house tonight and we could high-tail it outta here!

************************************************************************************

Update! Ceasar just stopped by while I am writing this, and he said that he thinks that the Buyers are going to make an offer!

Found It!

2010-04-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

I found my blog! yeah! :) So luckily I hit the export button and all my posts were saved! I didn't even know about this button.. Maby I shouldn't touch anything else on the computer! lol. My DH helpd me find it. He's the best. :) Thank you so much for the prayer JBTC it worked :)

I'm still not sure about my new job. Why did I quit my old job again?? Oh yeah, pay was bad, to far, and management not so great. But.. I was good at it. Ahhh. I guess change can be a good thing?

So I need to vent a little. Isn't this what blogging is all about? ;)
Again on FB I see E's ex posting about her new pregnancy cravings. That is a little annoying, but what annoys me most is that my MIL posts comments on it about how she knows it's a boy b/c she craved that when she was carrying E. Why is she commenting on her posts? I can't stand it. E's ex has talked bad about my MIL to me before, and yet pretends like they are best friends to her face. My MIL talks to her all the time, just want's so bad to be apart of her life, like if she isn't she'll never see Gabe, ( my step son) E is her son, of course she'll see Gabe! It drives me nuts. I know I should hide her posts, but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

Today is CD 22. Have about 10 more day's till my little "friend" comes to visit. *sigh* Havn't had any cramps yet. They usually start about now and last till she comes. Did I mention I don't have insurance right now? not for 90 days. We are thinking about getting our own. Mainly b/c of my issues I need insurance for the bloodwork and the prescriptions. Hopefully we can get a good rate.
Well, Glee is on tonight. I absolutly love that show! :)

oops! and Failed BBQ

2010-04-12T20:47:00.000-07:00

OMG! what did I do? I was trying to delete my other blog and deleted this one! then I undeleted it, and all my posts are gone! I am so pissed right now! Can you tell I'm not very good with computers???

anyway... Today was very interesting..
E sent me a text at work today, wanting to know how to defrost the ground beef. Oh no! What in the world is the man going to do? E does not cook. He can't cook. Ok, he does make bomb scrambled eggs and breakfast potatoes, but that is it! lol :)
So I tell him what to do, and I want to know why he needs to defrost anything. His friend J is coming over tonight and he wants to bbq some hamburgers. Might be fun! Ok, let me again say that E can't cook, and he has never used a grill before! Never ever! E never wanted to use the grill. He thought it was dumb, untill last summer when we had a bbq at a friends house. Now our grill is a built in one that came with the house we bought 5 years ago. It is not the best grill out there. Now I have always wanted to use the grill, but alas I am very clumsy and most likely would have burned myself or burned down the house!
So I get home, start on the potato salad, which by the way is bomb-diggity! then I make the hamburger patties. E and J finally get the grill started, after a helping hand from yours truly. The two of them out there, and they couldn't figure out what the heck they were doing! lol. So I give E the patties, and go back inside.. ( of course that is a bad idea ) All of a sudden I hear " Honey, I think we need more ground beef!" What! oh no.. what is going on. I get out there, and I am amazed at what I found! The burgers are a mashed up mess and half of them fell into the coals, I don't know what E did.. lol :)

So, needless to say, we did not have tasty homemade burgers, E and J went to BK for us, because I was not going to cook anymore. So we had our BK and potato salad. What a night! I think after I deleted my blog I need a glass of wine.. omg.

No coffee = ovulation???

2010-04-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

I have read several times that coffee can be a big cause in infertilness ( don't know if that is a real word! ) in a lot of women. I have only had maby 4 cups of coffee in the past few weeks. I have had crazy amounts of CM! I havn't had this much since, forever! Sorry if your grossed out here, but I am so excited. Even E noticed it. I havn't taken my temps in 2 years, so I don't know for sure, but I like to think that maby I ovulated this cycle? After all the coffee is gone from the house, that will be it for me, for the most part. I can't throw it away, you know guilt about wasting has been ingrained in my brain! So just one or 2 cups a week. I love coffee, but I will gladly give it up if it means that we can have a baby. :)

I'm not sure how my thyroid meds are working. I don't realy know if I feel any different. I guess I'm not as tired all day like I was, but my energy is not where I think it should be, or where it used to be years ago. I still have about 4 weeks to go before I get my bloodwork done again, So we will see.

My new job is getting a little better. I have already made some great new friends. And I know that the trainer is just kinda dumb, so I'm ignoring that and just focusing on learning "on the job". It's not that different from my last job, but each company has it's own policies that you need to follow.

So this week on Thursday E smashed up my car! He is fine, thankfully but the car is not at all! Someone did an illegal u-turn in front of him, so E hit the side of this guys car, then this guy tried to take off in the wrong direction on the street, and only stopped because his pacemaker started acting up! Some people! I don't get it. The guys has insurance, so they will be paying for the damages. We should know on Monday if it is totaled or not. In the meantime we did get a rental. It is pretty nice! Not as nice as my car, but still nice.

I hope I made the right decision!

2010-04-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday I started my new job. Yikes! Did I make the right decision here? I left a decent job, pay was alright, people were ok. Maby not the perfect job, but it was good. I did get a pay raise for this new place, but... Something just isn't clicking here. We have training for 2 weeks, and the trainer is horrible!
How can I explain this .. She makes up stories about past trainees, and you can tell that they are so not true! She talks super fast and just breezes threw everything. I am mentally checking out most of the day. How awful is that? My girlfriend works here, and she warned me about the trainer, but nothing could have prepared us for what she did today. We went to lunch at 12:00, lunch is an hour. We got back at 1, and didn't see our trainer till 3:30! WTH??? Really?? I mean it was nice getting paid for nothing, but this was ridiculous! I am hoping that once I get out on the floor things will be different.

I don't think that I have really talked about our housing situation. E and I want to move sooo bad! We bought our house at the peak of the housing market, and now are upside down like no body's business! We have nobody here, no family, we have fired most of our friends, mainly because of their lifestyles. G is not here anymore. So it is pointless for us to be living here. Besides, I miss my family so much. Going home once a year is just not enough. E is from Vegas, I'm not. He only has one sister, and she and their mom moved to NY. That is where E's mom is from. This is just not the place for me. People come and go all the time, it is hard to put down roots in a place like this. My family is from Cincinnati, and I love it there. I love the people and the city, I love the food. Yes I love Skyline! If you didn't grow up on it, most people hate it.. lol. But we can't move. Not yet. We can't rent our house b/c our mortgage is so high. Right now with all the foreclosures, you can rent a house twice the size of ours for half the price! You can even buy a house twice the size of ours for half the price! We are just trying to decide what the best way is to go about this.. We might be able to do a loan mod, but it's not guaranteed, and we have heard so many horror stories about the loan mods not being what they thought. Some of the Banks are not as helpful as you would think. Hmmm imagine that!
I have a friend who is a Realtor, and he keeps trying to get us to Short Sale. But that will wreck our credit, and you can't buy a new home for 1-2 years after! We want to be able to move, and buy a new home. We really don't want to lose our house, or ruin our credit just to move because we want to move. It is driving me crazy not knowing what to do, or what is going to happen. All I know is that I want to get out of here and move back with my family. My little sister is having another baby, and I am going to miss this birth, just like I missed all the rest!

Here is a little background. I am one of 8 +1 I have a step brother, so he only half counts! lol. there are 7 girls, and 1 brother and 1 step brother. All of my sisters have kids. Except my baby sister, she is still in High School. So far there are 22 nieces and nephews. I am the only one who hasn't been able to get pregnant.. The only one who has this problem. I feel like if I can go home, somehow everything will be better for us. Everyday I pray that we can move. I hope it is Gods will for us. I don't know how it can't be.

Easter, and Prayer Buddy!

2010-04-05T19:38:00.000-07:00

This year E and I went to the Easter Vigil. It was so beautiful. It realy meant alot for us to be here this year. E came into the Church last year, and he recieved all his Sacraments for the first time. :) It was a realy special time for us, and we thought it would be nice to welcome home all the new members. This year there were 10! The sermon was long, but well worth it. I felt such peace afterwards, and the joy that was coming from the new members was amazing! I think this will be our new Easter Tradition.

So here it is, my Prayer Buddy is Beautiful Day! I realy enjoy her blog. Her children are so beautiful! During my Novena this Lent I included her and her family in my nightly prayers. St. Joseph has been there for me and my family, and I wanted her to be able to feel his presence during Lent this year working in her family as well. I hope that she had a wonderful Lent, and I will be continuing to keep her in my prayers. This was a great idea, to be able to pray for someone you don't know, and to just be able to focus on someone else during a time that I want to ask for myself, is very humbling. I realized it is not all about me. There are other people out there who maby we don't realize need our prayers, but God uses us all in ways that we can never understand. I hope to be able to be apart of this again. :)

Today I started my new job and I am to tired to go into it now.. but I will be posting about that soon!

upping my meds..

2010-04-01T16:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my follow up apt with the Endocrinologist. You remember the one who I thought was an absolute idiot? Well this time it was much better. I didn't have to wait as long, and the Dr. realy took the time to talk to me. He still doesn't know squat about PCOS, but he does know about my thyroid, and I need to get that into check.
My levels aren't where they are supposed to be yet, so he upped my Synthroid from 25mcg to 50mcg. My body still isn't converting the T4 to T3, so hopefully upping the dose will do the trick.
I have seen on quite a few blogs about people using Armour instead of the Synthroid. I asked my Dr. about that. He told me that there is no reason to use that "natural" form yet. We first have to get my levels to the right spot, and see if the Synthroid works. He said about 90% of people the Synthroid works. In a normal person your body converts the T4 to T3 and the Synthroid should help my body do that. If it doesn't he will definately put me on the Armour. He said that with the higher dose I should start feeling much better, more "alive" during the day, and the weight should start falling off! Praise God if that happens! I litterally cannot eat anything without gaining weight. My once in a blue moon cheeseburger makes me gain at least 4lbs. Not joking! My dr. said that once the medicine starts working as long as I keep eating healthy and working out, I will be back to my "normal" weight.
I used to be thin! years ago I was thin! My poor hubby has never seen me like that. I will be so excited to have him know that I can look good! :) I know he loves me the way I am, but you know when you feel good about yourself, you look even better!

And yes I kindof quit coffee cold turkey. I havn't had one cup this whole week! It has been rough. I will only drink one cup on the weekends. Like one cup Sat and one cup Sun. I love the taste and smell of coffee... but it is bad for my infertileness.. I did this before, stopping the coffee, and my CM is thicker and I feel better not drinking it everyday. So I think I will keep this no coffee thing going!

ahh Monday

2010-03-29T16:46:00.000-07:00

Love Mondays! NOT! getting up in the morning is just so not fun.. Now I am not drinking coffee anymore, and I have a huge migrain. Work was just horrible today. Because I am leaving,my mgr has no interest in helping me at all. I'm still there working my butt off to hit my goal. I care about doing my best at work, even if I don't care for the company that much. It still reflects my character. Oh well.. only a few more days left here! I'm pretty excited about the new job startin next Monday.
I'm off to do my yoga! Happy Monday everyone! :)

Maby I should give up FB?

2010-03-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

After E and I went to the farmers market today, I came home to relax. So of course I get online and jump on my FB page. New announcements of pregnancies are all over the place! One is G's mother. She finally told the world of their pregnancy. Went on and on about how excited G is. Then her stupid friends put on there "you deserve this more than anyone!" ICK! I just want to throw up reading that. I know I should hide her, but it is kinda my sick way of keeping tabs on her... I know it's horrible, but she does the same thing. Then a few other people putting ultrasound pics up, going crazy about baby stuff, morning sickness.. everything! I should just get rid of the whole thing. But I do love the Vampire Wars game! lol and this is the only way I keep in touch with my family while we are living in this horrible place.
My friend today told me that she would be my surrogate if I wanted her to be! lol she is so great! I didn't tell her that I would not be doing that, because it is not in following with the Catholic Faith. But I said that would be nice, Then she tells me that she makes the cutest babies, and that she would make sure I had the cutest one! :) Thank goodness for friends like that! She always knows how to make me smile.

I just wanted to say now that I am so gratefull for these blogs. This has become my safe haven. I can say how I'm feeling and other people understand! I don't have to hold anything back that I don't want to.
And I wanted to share this passage that I read the other day.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5
" We give thanks to the God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is our Father Who shows us loving-kindness and our God Who gives us comfort. He gives us comfort in our troubles. Then we can comfort other people who have the same troubles. We give the same kind of comfort God gives us. As we have suffered much for Christ and have shared in His pain, we also share His great comfort. "

It makes me think about these blogs, it is the same thing. We all have the same "troubles" and we are here to comfort eachother, to show God's love to eachother. We all have the same pain, and in that we can help eachother.

God's work in our lives.

2010-03-23T15:28:00.000-07:00

Today is CD1. totally sucks! Right during work today.. my cramps were sooooo bad for a while. I knew it was coming, so I wasn't as depressed this time. But still, there was a moment, when my mgr was talking to me about the 2 girls at work who just had their babies. Going on and on about how cute they are. And they are really adorable babies, but sometimes it just makes me feel like throwing something and telling everyone to shut up about babies already! Ok, sorry for that one!

I am going to be starting a new job on April 5th. I'm kinda excited about it. I am ready for a new company. I have been at my current employer for 3 years, and with the expansion of our company things have changed for the worse. So I actually got a job offer about a month ago. They didn't offer me enough $$ to leave so I turned them down.. twice. They called me last week and offerd me a pretty decent deal. And besides the pay, they have an office in the city where we want to move to, so I can transfer when we are ready! It is realy nice to see everything coming together for E and I. We have been praying for a way to help us to be able to move, and this is one giant step for us! Now we have to sell our house, and E has to find a job in that city. I know the right one is out there, and when the timing is right, it will present itself.

no saggy boobs!

2010-03-22T15:37:00.000-07:00

So, I've been thinking... If I can never have children "naturally" what would be the plus side to this? Well I can think of only one, and that is by breasts will be purky long after my "fertile" friends are! And that I think makes this a little bit easier to handle :)

re-cap, and St. Joseph's feast day!

2010-03-19T20:07:00.000-07:00

I know I've been away for a while. This week I've been realy tired. Getting to bed to late, Dr. apt. It's been hard to get online and make time to put all my thoughts together. First I want to say I don't know what happend to my spell check. So I appologize for my appalling spelling. :)

I had my appointment with the Endocrinologist on Wed. What a big fat waste of time and money! The office was dissorganized and the receptionists were rude! I had gotten a call early in the day that they checked my insurance and it had been canceled! What! I almost lost it. I was already having a bad day, which I'll get into later. I talked to my HR dept and they said everything should be fine, b/c I pay for the insurance out of my check, so I should call the 800# on the back of my card. I did and everything was fine! So I called the office back and the receptionist argued with me for 5 min about it. She kept insisting that she called and it was cancelled, I kept telling her that she called the wrong # and I gave her the correct # to call. I advised her that she needed to call again because everything was fine. She said she would call me back. But of course I didn't hear anything from her at all!
So I get to the office, sign in and they acted like nothing had been wrong. Oh my gosh! what the heck is wrong with these people? Finally after waiting for 40 min I see the Dr. He was very pleasant but told me absolutly nothing I didn't realy already know. He explained the Hypothyroidism on a dry erase board like it was a football play or something. Then he says " I see you have cysts all over your ovaries, you definatly have pcos" .. I'm like wow, nice doc! .. My primary care doc said she thought I had the pcos, but wasn't positive.. So this was kinda a shock to hear it said to me like that. Then he tells me that he may want to up my dose on the Levothyroxin. I have to get more bloodwork done, and go back in 2 weeks. UGH! I ask about the pcos, and he tells me there is nothing to worry about. It doesn't effect me unless I want to get pregnant, and then I should see a OBGYN. uh hu! what! This guy is crazy. If anyone has pcos they know that it effects alot of things not just your fertility. And the thyroid and the pcos both effect similar things in your body and both need to be taken care of! So I will go back this one time and then talk to my primary care doc. She seems alot more knowledgable than this so called "expert" does.
Earlier that same day I almost died choking on my pills! I am taking the Helidac therapy for the H Palyori? There is this one white pill that always no matter what finds the back of my throat and takes like dirt! It is the most disgusting taste I have ever tasted. So I'm in the lunch room at work, and I'm taking this horrible pill, trying desperatley to get it to miss the back of my throat and just go down, when it gets caught in my throat! I start choking and now I can taste it! I ran to the nearest garbage can and tried to spit it out, I was hacking and dry heaving because of the horrible taste! Half the people in the room left, and a few nice people came over to see if I was ok. I was so embarrised, but I felt nauseous, and I could still taste that awefull taste in my mouth. I was to embarrised to say that I was choking and everyone just thought I had gotten sick. I said it was because of my antibiotics and I just hadn't eaten enough... lol it was kinda the truth. So that combined with the rediculous dr's office, and work... it was just awefull that day.

When I got home that night from the Dr.s office E and I were just hanging out and I started sobbing! I couldn't help it. I was just a wreck from the day and I was thinking about all the things that we have to do now to get pregnant. I don't know.. I just thought that it would just happen naturally and we wouldn't have to go threw much. I figured once we got my thyroid in check all would be well. But that is not the case. Now with the pcos, I have a lot to swallow. I know that things could be worse, alot worse, but the thought that I may not be able to have children naturally is so depressing right now. I felt that I was broken somehow. I felt that there was no hope and everything was wrong. E told me that he married me for me.. not because of my ovaries. That made me laugh then cry because I want to have a child with this man. I want to share everything with him, I want us to make something, someone together... Is that selfish? I'm not sure.. It is realy hard to know that he has had this experience with somone else.. and not even someone who he loved, or married.. And here we are, 6 years into our relationship and totally in love. Shouldn't we be able to show our love in conceving a child together? Maby it isn't as bad as I think, maby this is nothing at all... But it has been 5 years since we were married, have never used birth controll.. Never once have we gotten pregnant. I don't know... I'm still kinda hopeful, but not going to try to be to optimistic about it. I always let myself down when Aunt Flo comes to visit... She is on her way now.. I can feel it. My cycles are normal now. I know when it is time.

I have been doing alot of reading on this, and I am starting a low GI diet. I definatley need to lose weight, to help manage the pcos. But it is extra hard to lose weight because of the pcos and the thyroid. I think the hardest will be to get rid of the coffee. I love the coffee!:) If I can get down to just one day a week.. I'll be good.

Today is my birthday, and St. Joseph's feast day. He is an amazing Saint. I think everyone should become aquainted with him. He is the foster father of all of us! Today is an amazing day to celebrate his life, and ask for special favors. He has helped me and my family alot over the years. Thank you St. Joseph!

My Family, and DMV nightmares

2010-03-12T18:11:00.000-08:00

So Today I only worked half a day. My work is not approving overtime, but if you want to work half day Friday and half day Saturday, you can. I opted for this today. I had to go to the DMV to renew my drivers license. NV has these new licenses with some new fandangled face recognition thing going on, and everyone has to get their licenses changed. So I went in at my normal time of 5am and when I got home around 9:30 this is what I find:

I know the picture is a litte dark, my phoe kinda sucks. But here is my baby, Scrappy laying on the bed snoring away... Along with my husband. :) E has been out of work for a few months now. So he and Scrappy get to stay home and sleep in! Not fair... ;)

E went with me to the DMV. We were there for 3 hours! The line was just ridiculous! We went to 2 diff locations before we found one that had a smaller line. And when I say smaller, I mean the line wasn't around the corner of the building. It just ended At the corner of the building! While we are in line, the guy in front of us sees his long lost buddy, who he just asked to stay in line with him and cut in front of about 10 people! Then he proceded to fart several times while we were in line. You know the silent but deadly ones? Yeah that was them! Then this woman was in line with her twin boys who had to be about 2 or 3 years old. They were super cute, but it must have been naptime, b/c one of the boys screamed and cried the entire time we were in line. I felt bad that she was alone with the 2 boys, but the one just wanted her to hold him and the mom refused! How can you let your child scream like that when he just wants you to hold him? Idk Finnaly right before we got to the Information Desk the boys dad shows up and takes the fussy one. I mean really?? we were in line for like 2 hours! You can't pick up your kid! Ugh! Anyway, Then we had to get our number and wait patiently for it to be called. Fun way to spend my Friday!

I'm trying to do something with this blog to liven it up a bit. I noticed that it looked very depressing with the Black background and my posts have been pretty dark. I just can't seem to find the right background that fits the mood appropriatley.

I have noticed that since I have been taking the Thyroid medication I have been alot more alert and energized throughout the day. I think it is the medication, I mean I am working out, but I'm not sure which one or maby both are doing this miraculous thing! Usually I am so sluggish during the day, that sometimes it is hard to keep my eyes open. But the past week I have been feeling great! I mean I get up at 3:50am everymorning! I barely need coffee anymore! Which might be a good thing, b/c I have heard that to much caffine has a hand in infertility problems. If this is true I am not realy sure. But I'm willing to follow any "helpful" advice out there. :)

So I'm off to do my workout, and tonight my show is on. I am secretly addicted to Ghost Whisperer. I love that show! It is so cheesy, but I love Jennifer Love Hewitt, and the storylines aren't that bad... E hates the show. lol Well have a good Friday everyone!

A step mom's tale of infertility and other crazy life happenings.

A New Day

2010-03-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

I've been doing allot of thinking today. I'm not angry, I'm a little sad, but not angry. I know in my heart that this is God's will. That everything is happening because He wills it to be so. On my way to work, I was flipping threw the radio and this amazing song came on the christian station. I have never heard it before and do not know the artist or the name of the song, but it really hit home for me. God is there for us threw everything and will never leave our side no matter what. During work I had all these insighful thoughts to share, but now I'm much more peaceful about this , and none of it seems to matter anymore. This is what He wants. I am just praying that I will have the strength to accept God's will for us.
I have my appointment with the Endocrinologist on March 17th. So until then I will have to wait to see what else is going on with my body.

I talked to my step-dad today and he tells me that we need to start the adoption process b/c then we will get pregnant! He knows people who have started to or have adopted and got pregnant right away! lol. I told him I'd think about it, but I don't think it works if you do it just to get pregnant and have no intention of adopting.. Gotta love family!

And Then ....

2010-03-08T18:41:00.000-08:00

Today started out like any other normal day. Work, dinner, workout.. the norm. We get a call from G today, he's all hyper like usual, singing me some song he saw on youtube about an ice cream sandwich! lol Then he's ready to talk to daddy. So E is talking to him, when I hear E say "tell your mom congratulations". I'm like what was that about? G's mom is pregnant! What! omg.
It was like a bomb went off in my heart. I had these thoughts that were not very nice, but I'm thinking how can God allow certain people to continue to have children when there are really good people out there that not only want children, but would make great parents? It doesn't seem fair. I'm not here to bash anyone, that is not what this is about, but knowing her for as long as I have, it just doesn't seem right. I'm starting to think that I'm being punished for something. How can this be??? I'm not angry... I'm just sad. I'm a little pissed, and maby a little jealous. B/C now not only will I have to hear about "mommy" all the time but now I'll have to hear about the new brother or sister. It takes all I have now to be happy for G and be excited about things with him. I love that kid. But I want my own. I want a child that will be excited about me. That will say "my mom does this.., or my mom does that.. " It just isn't the same.
I want G to be happy and he is very excited. But I am feeling a little selfish right now. Something is wrong, and I just want it to not be wrong anymore...

The Results! dun dun dun....

2010-03-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm not dying! lol. I got my results back from my doc. I'm slowly falling apart. Apparently I have a slow thyroid (duh!). This is why I am such a chub-a-lub! I have done everything to lose weight and it has been such a struggle for me since I gained so much a few years back. So, I also have a little high cholesterol, I'm overweight, I'm pre-diabetes, I might have PCOS, and my thyroid is also a little abnormal. So I have gotten a referal to a specialist to check my thyroid. My doc said that it is not enlarged, but is abnormal and needs to bee checked, and hopefully that if "something" is there we caught it early. Also the specialist will be checking to see about the PCOS. I went to the dermatologist in Dec. and she thought I might have it, but the blood work came back negative. My family doc said that it looks to be like the beginning of pcos. GREAT!!!!
Oh, did I mention I have a bug in my stomach?? I have been very gassy for a while and my blood work was checked and now my doc put me on an antibiotic for 2 weeks. Its called H Pylori.... I've never heard of it before, but you can get it anywhere, which is kinda scary. It could be in the food you eat, or it can be passed on by sharing food or drinks with other people. I don't share anything with anybody! So I must have gotten it by food.. ugh!

My doc also put me on thyroid medication. So I'm taking Levothyroxin... ( that's a mouthful) .
Should help me lose weight, which will be so nice. And after my test results come back from my pap test my doc wants me to see a specialist for the infertility.

I've been so blessed to find such a wonderful doctor! She is great, she is so funny, but most important she listens to my concerns and is very helpful. She is the first one to suggest getting checked for so many things! I'm just glad that we are catching everything now and not when it gets to be a bigger problem.

So... for my weight loss goals, I'm blogging about that, but my doc is actually doing the same program! lol it is pretty funny, she called me today to see how I was doing and to give me some encouragement with the workouts..

So that's it for now, I have to go workout and watch CSI.. love that show!